00;00;07;29 - 00;00;36;16
Thais
Hi, my name is Thais Gibson, and I'm the owner and founder of the Personal Development School. This is your daily break through video and this video I'm going to talk about 12 key strategies for settling into a relationship and staying happy. Once the honeymoon phase is over. Okay, So many of us confuse infatuation with love. Many of us and this is very common that I see individuals get into a relationship.

00;00;36;16 - 00;00;58;03
Thais
The relationship, amazing. Everything's great for the first year to two years and then the honeymoon phase is ending or is actually over and the neurochemicals drop off and can even start dropping off from the six month mark. And then all of a sudden we're left with this person and we're like, Oh, the feelings are gone because we're confusing the infatuation that's being over.

00;00;58;06 - 00;01;19;11
Thais
So we're going to. What are some key strategies to keep the relationship alive, to build a strong foundation and to I like to compare infatuation and love to like pleasure seeking versus bafflement. If anybody's ever been through a phase in their life where they're like pleasure seeking, like drinking a lot or partying a lot, or doing all these things that are trying to get that stimulation and that high.

00;01;19;11 - 00;01;50;07
Thais
And then they started working on themselves and experiencing that sense of well-being and strong fulfillment. And it's that pleasure seeking at first seems like the be all and end all like, Oh, this is so exciting. And just like the infatuation in a relationship. And then when you compare that over time to filaments, you know, the elements, connection and growth and all these things that create that relationship is that fulfillment eventually becomes so much stronger than pleasure seeking ever could have been.

00;01;50;09 - 00;02;16;26
Thais
And I like to think of that as an analogy for infatuation versus love eventually overpowers infatuation by so much, and the roots in a relationship can become so deep and and nourished that the idea of infatuation doesn't really pose a threat or hold a candle to the love guitarist in your relationship itself. So I'm going to give you some really cool strategies for how to actually work and create that.

00;02;16;29 - 00;02;52;28
Thais
Okay, So before I start as well, we're launching the online version of the Personal all at School Tumblr or having all these amazing launch deals. So the courses include everything from like self esteem to all attachments, gallery programing. So like individually, like fearful avoidant attachment style, Reprograming anxiously attached individuals like a reprograming course and reprograming. There's a course on how to work with individuals that are of different attachment styles with your self sabotage courses, depression, anxiety, emotional mastery, conflict, communication.

00;02;52;28 - 00;03;20;24
Thais
Like all these courses, we're launching our first major batch this September. We're making it super accessible as well. These these courses are deep enough and intense enough. Workbooks, worksheets, processes, charts, strategies that come with monthly webinars, sometimes biweekly webinars and online forum, where you can post your questions, connect with people in your area, all these amazing things, they're deep enough that they're supposed to For people I can't see when I'm one.

00;03;20;27 - 00;03;42;24
Thais
This is this is going to be a great substitute. This is going to help you to really work through things as long as you're putting in the work for me and as long as you're doing the work and the processes. So the membership of $49 a month for unlimited courses, which means if you do like four courses in a month, it's like super, super cheap and I'm an individual prices are $97.

00;03;42;24 - 00;04;16;21
Thais
If you just want to do one specific thing. And I just I'm really excited that they're ready and they're coming soon and they're going to be shared. So we're doing like no initiation fees. Earlybird pricing, 25% off all these things. If you get your information now before September. So if you haven't already, just go to the school website and you or you can literally just email me directly at type of personal development school dot com and just let me know either which courses you want to reserve for early bird pricing or if you want the membership fee, let me know that too.

00;04;16;24 - 00;04;55;20
Thais
And yeah, we'll be organized from there. So let's go into this this whole I want to say course because I've been writing courses so much lately, video. So a lot of people literally think infatuation is love. And when the infatuation phase, they associate with the love has made it. Another thing I do want to read people think that when they're attachment style is triggers or activated that that high and then that missing the person in that withdrawal and the feeling of loss and all those strong feelings that come up often it can cause our attachment style being triggered with being really in love.

00;04;55;23 - 00;05;20;06
Thais
And so like, what's stronger than infatuation or attachment self are great will eventually really strong love with really deep roots, deep connection and deep commitment and consistency know I find the more that people are working through things together collectively and sharing and then creating that deeper, deeper relationship, the healthier the relationship has. So when we are infatuated as human beings, neurochemicals are high.

00;05;20;06 - 00;05;43;17
Thais
We've got a lot of oxytocin flowing, we've got dopamine circulating through serotonin and all these neurochemicals, and we're literally, to some degree experiencing a real high. And so when we hear the term like sometimes to describe the ancient reattach individual, we'll hear the love addict. And really this is the real thing. People can really be that love and that those early stages of connection in a romantic relationship.

00;05;43;20 - 00;06;05;02
Thais
So once the space we sort of get to see like, is this turning into love or not or has this turned into love, this is dating around the two year mark. So how does like turn into love? What happens when we have feelings of feelings that should turn into love? Well, what happens is we like somebody by their traits or the needs that they they seem to meet for us.

00;06;05;04 - 00;06;28;07
Thais
But once we love what we've done is we've been vulnerable enough to this person that we liked, that we felt infatuated with, to truly feel understood and connected at a deeper level. So we felt that way. We've shown ourselves and we feel like we are seeing and hearing and understanding another person and connecting with them. And that's usually what turns like into love.

00;06;28;09 - 00;07;04;03
Thais
So the honeymoon phase in our chemistry actually makes it easier to be more vulnerable. And so it's really about vulnerability piece that that allows us to fall in love because it requires us to feel like we're seeing, hearing, understanding another person. And they're doing that for us to really feel like there's love in that relationship that and so it's really interesting because when when we enter into this space, right where we've got these hormones flowing and neurochemicals flowing and all these things are going on, when that sort of fades, sometimes it becomes harder to become vulnerable.

00;07;04;05 - 00;07;25;15
Thais
And so we show up more at that time in our natural patterns. So for example, if a person was really not good at validating you and they're not a natural complement, or when those when those toxic Alison and dopamine and all these neurochemicals are flowing because they're almost under the influence to a certain degree, they might actually show up okay in that area and be complimenting and be validating.

00;07;25;17 - 00;07;50;08
Thais
But as that sort of high wears off, they go back to that natural or natural subconscious pattern. So it's really not that much different from like you're you're with somebody for a little while and then they're under the influence of alcohol and maybe they say more or they they express themselves more and then they'll be sober up the next day and then all of a sudden they're back to not being as expressive or honorable.

00;07;50;08 - 00;08;13;17
Thais
It's literally like a version of the same sort of dynamic happening, different neurochemicals and different aspects, but like same analogy. So how do we keep our closest alive despite what could create major differences? So oftentimes well after the honeymoon phase, because we'll sort of have that love is blind and the person can do no wrong and we're not really looking into the person's flat.

00;08;13;18 - 00;08;47;17
Thais
We're focusing so much on the great aspects of them, and then we'll see our differences sort of highlighted or magnified more times than space. And so in what we have to do in order to work through this, we have to bring what's working in the honeymoon phase consciously and intentionally into the latter phase of the relationship. So I'm going to give you 13 or 12 and then kind of like a little bonus feature, key things to making a relationship work effectively and settling in and feeling like that love can grow even if that infatuation is shrinking.

00;08;47;20 - 00;09;10;07
Thais
So the fact that the film is over and then super powers are always a pleasure speaking. So number one, we have to keep the vulnerability alive. And this is a scary thing for a lot of people. But this means like opening up, sharing things about your day, tangibly coming home. Let's say you're living together or let's say you're just seeing each other at ten.

00;09;10;07 - 00;09;44;07
Thais
Intense sharing. So amazing to me how strong the difference is, especially some of the touch about how strong the difference in between how much they share at the beginning of a relationship, even if it's just like more surface stuff, but just are more open and sharing versus after that ends, they tend to really go back into their natural state and they can just kind of stop sharing and then, you know, if you just look at it from a really practical perspective, if you fall in love with somebody for that, for who they are, for their vulnerability, and then they take it away, course the feelings are going to be affected as a result.

00;09;44;07 - 00;10;01;20
Thais
Of course, there's an impact because you gave somebody something and then it's gone and that's what they were loving. And so it creates that separation, the vulnerability they're sharing and the vulnerability is really going to apply. I have this is a separate one because it's so important, but it's really going to apply to the chords and expression of our feelings of needs.

00;10;01;21 - 00;10;25;13
Thais
We're going to talk about that in number three depth of connection. Okay. So here's another thing. And this kind of goes in. The first three are all kind of together, but very important key points. I see. I can't believe I seen individuals at restaurants like couples at restaurants who are maybe in their sixties like, you know, nearing retirement or post retirement, maybe closer to 70.

00;10;25;15 - 00;10;49;03
Thais
And they're at dinner and they're not really talking. And there's an aspect of that that's like that's not it, that they don't feel as pressure to to not to have conversation the whole time. And it's okay to sit in silence. And that's beautiful. But I mean, like not talking at all, like hardly uttering any words because they're like fighting, like, they're just really not talking and they're sitting there looking around.

00;10;49;06 - 00;11;09;11
Thais
And that breaks my heart a little bit because we might think that we've gotten to know a person because they we got to know them in the early stage and we've been around them so much. But we as human beings are dynamic or fluid. We are constantly changing, We're constantly growing, learning, adapting, whether it is conscious or unconscious.

00;11;09;11 - 00;11;31;22
Thais
And so what you knew when you got married in your twenties or thirties might be a very different person from who this person now is sitting in front of you in your sixties and and it's important to get to know the person you're with on a regular basis because they are changing, you are changing. And so we want to create space for deep connection to happen.

00;11;31;25 - 00;12;09;12
Thais
So I have on on the website the personal website under like free literature, I have 60 questions for deep connections in a relationship. Actually, I think it's 50 questions to ask before you get married. I have another question for Deep Connection, but you can use those questions for deep connection to and I highly recommend getting that out, printing it off and asking your partner having connection time, like deep connection time, where you're asking the same sort of questions you would ask in the beginning phases of the relationship to sit down with your partner and ask these things on a regular basis, like what's going on in your life now that you feel like you're struggling

00;12;09;12 - 00;12;35;27
Thais
with them all? Or what is your biggest fear at this point in your life? Like, ask these questions again. So you're getting this update, you're getting these deep connections, you're seeing and hearing and understanding the person, which is part of what we fall in love with, right? We just heard, understood, vulnerable. You're creating that dynamic in the relationship and what you'll see is like you've planted seeds, you created Ruth through the infatuation phase, but if you're not constantly watering them, the plant dies, the tree dies.

00;12;35;29 - 00;12;58;00
Thais
That's so the seed nourishment, these things we plant, and then we look up and leave and never look at them again and expect that the tree is going to just do well. Or the plant, the garden just going to figure itself out and nourish itself. We have to go and we have to put intentional nourishment and energy into the relationship for what those seeds were, what was working.

00;12;58;02 - 00;13;22;09
Thais
Okay. Number three, communication. And this is when I say communication, I need expressing your feeling that when we don't communicate, we unconsciously expect people to know what our needs are and know how we're feeling. And we think that that's what love is and it's not. That could not be the farthest thing from the truth. True, real healthy love is like asking about a person's feelings and needs holding space or listening to them.

00;13;22;12 - 00;13;40;26
Thais
If somebody does something you don't like in a relationship, you don't condemn it. You know, set a boundary. I hate. That was unacceptable. But I want to understand what was going on inside of you that led you to do that. I want to know why. I want to know what's going on, understand about you. And it helps you understand in a person, what were you feeling?

00;13;40;26 - 00;13;59;23
Thais
What mean was that? That now I don't mean like if somebody does something awful that you should say. I'm just working out through that conversation. But I mean, if there's like an argument or a fight or a problem, these are solvable through active communication, through vulnerability, through asking about each other's feelings and needs and expressing yours in a non-confrontational way.

00;13;59;23 - 00;14;32;17
Thais
I have a full course of all this, such an important, just dynamic in a relationship, so please check it out. It's about conflict, communication, conflict. Resolution number four We want to learn each other's languages and intentionally engage them with one another, literally having different languages. It's truly like speaking different languages. So we might be giving gifts and we might be doing acts of service all day, and then a person may not even be receiving it or be receiving it like a one out of ten of importance.

00;14;32;19 - 00;14;53;17
Thais
And the other person might be like dying for quality time and deep conversation and their partner's emotionally unavailable for that or just isn't available for that. They think they're getting tons of love. The partner feels starved and we may not know these things if we haven't figured out our love languages. If you don't know about this, Dr. Gary Chapman is one who created this and he has this stuff on his website.

00;14;53;17 - 00;15;21;16
Thais
But the five love languages are pretty self-explanatory. Are acts of service, words of affirmation get quality time and physical touch. And quality time is sort of like deep conversations connecting to your activities, that kind of thing. Physical touch gifts are super self-explanatory. Words of affirmation like validating your partner's words and acts of services, like doing things for your partner, cooking dinner, bringing them coffee in bed, taking them to the airport like this sort of thing.

00;15;21;19 - 00;15;45;13
Thais
Number five, understanding each other and using the relationship, which we talked about for number three, but then actually creating all these strategies to support your partner's needs and to have them support yours, to actually be aware of what this person needs and to be conscious about it. Checking in in your mind about it. Like if your partner says, Hey, I need a lot of encouragement, it's going to get a lot of in childhood, I tell you that.

00;15;45;13 - 00;16;11;29
Thais
And then you forget about it and you don't set some kind of like habit around just trying to give a little bit to fill that bucket there. Then then you're going to feel rejected. So check in when your partner's expressing feelings. And we want to do our due diligence to, number one, see their needs through and actually have a conversation and check in with their needs to make sure we're taking can just be tiny action steps, but just something to support what they express.

00;16;12;07 - 00;16;30;08
Thais
And number two, seeing your needs through, you've expressed through them they're not being met One time of expressing doesn't necessarily mean your needs will be met for a lifetime. We have to kind simply our mind or partner or I need to speak up. A voter needs or needs will change every 2 to 3 weeks, every few months, every every day.

00;16;30;08 - 00;16;49;12
Thais
Even. So, talk about your needs on a regular basis. If your partner's not meeting them, don't make a story that says, Oh, you're never going to find a partner who remembers. Meet all of your needs in the moment you express one of them for life, but remind your partner they have to get to know that they have that programed in through repetition to know we have.

00;16;49;12 - 00;17;13;25
Thais
This is really important. My partner and it will eventually become it's all important in the relationship number six and I'm going to talk about this from a barrier standpoint. But one of the biggest barriers to all of these things, just to be in a really rooted, healthy space and settled into a relationship, is your unconscious expectation. A lot of us carry these unconscious expectations.

00;17;13;25 - 00;17;32;28
Thais
What how is a mom and dad be how we thought our neighbors parents behave, how we thought people behave on TV or in movies? Do we carry these unconscious expectations into our relationship? We expect that our partners to show up as the person from that movie that we saw. That's the romantic comedy and everybody does everything they can reach out.

00;17;33;00 - 00;17;51;21
Thais
We have to be realistic about our expectations and we have to surfaces to the conscious level and have these conversations. We want to sit down with your partner and be like, For you, what does an ideal relationship look like? Like, seriously, what does this look like? Who is doing what? What are our roles? How often are we having sex?

00;17;51;27 - 00;18;11;25
Thais
How often are we having deep conversations or date nights? How do I show up in a relationship? How do you show up? How do we have a conversation? How often is it healthy despite this big? What I see from people like fearful, avoidance or anxiously attached, people sometimes will think that it's healthy to buy, you know, once or twice a week or or a little bit every day.

00;18;11;25 - 00;18;31;15
Thais
And that's normal because that's what they saw in their parents versus like dismissive avoidance. They feel like fighting like once every three months is a lot. So you have to have this conversation so you really know where you guys stand because otherwise all these little behaviors and imprints of programs will get in between. You to it and you'll think like, What's going on?

00;18;31;15 - 00;18;54;29
Thais
Why is this person fighting with me so much? And the other person's like, Gosh, we never fight. We never resolve things like and, you know, fighting and healthy. But conflict is so so conflict is normal. It's a normal part of the evolution of a relationship. But if we approach it in a conscious way, extremely productive and it's not like violent and angry, it's literally like, Hey, this is what I'm feeling when I didn't like this is what I need.

00;18;55;02 - 00;19;15;19
Thais
What happened? Why did that what what went on that created that dynamic on your end that would understand? Can you validate my feelings? Well, validate yours. Wow. Feel bonded. Thank you. Which is closer together. Like these are kind of like the aspects that you want to get to in your relationship until it's normalized. And I promise it's a very, very achievable thing.

00;19;15;22 - 00;19;33;04
Thais
You may feel like, too, with expectations that people. Oh, because I work more, you should take care of more of the household duties, whereas the other person might think because it should be equal, we should have equal duties. So these conversations, like without having these conversations about your expectations, are just like the best breeding grounds ever for resentment.

00;19;33;04 - 00;19;59;24
Thais
And you don't want that in your relationship. I'm going to run through the next ones quickly because I'm running out of time a little bit. So number seven, talk about the real stuff. We spent a lot of time and you catch yourself doing this is a really powerful one. I had a couple give an analogy for this before on another video I had a couple for years ago and and the woman said to me she was no match with the ten or ten angry that her husband keeps leaving the clothes on the floor.

00;19;59;24 - 00;20;23;07
Thais
Like I ask him, keep leaving the laundry on the floor. She was livid, like shaking, angry, and the husband is like starts to get some kind of rejected feeling good talent like body language struck back and and he's like, really sad. So here's these two people. One's like ten, ten and raise another one. It's like eight or nine out of ten, sadly, just like it's really sad.

00;20;23;07 - 00;20;40;16
Thais
And and I'm like, there's no way these two people are talking about clothes on the floor is not what it is. It's the meaning that we give to it that causes us the pain. And we have a lot of conversations in our relationship that are very surface and we're not discussing the meaning. And so we can't actually resolve the deeply rooted problem.

00;20;40;16 - 00;21;06;02
Thais
So I ask, just so you see this as women, I'm like, So what do you make it mean when the clothes are on the floor? And she doesn't respect me? You ask me forget, and he disrespects me and I ask the husband. I'm like, What do you making it mean? When she gets angry about this cubicle? She might not love me very much if she was mad at me for something so small when I do so much in other areas of the relationship.

00;21;06;04 - 00;21;25;24
Thais
So here are two people talking about being disrespected and unloved, and they're trying to solve this problem through talking about the clothes on a floor and no matter what happens with the clothes on the floor, they're not actually resolving the problem. They could start picking up the post tomorrow. But this woman still going to have this woman feeling like her husband disrespected her all this time.

00;21;25;27 - 00;21;47;22
Thais
And this man still going to have this woman feeling like my wife doesn't love me that much. And that's excruciating. So these things become law. So when you're mad about the cupboard left open, you're mad about the person, you're mad about the call that got thoughts or whatever it is, ask yourself, what am I making it mean? That's the root of the conflict.

00;21;47;22 - 00;22;13;25
Thais
And ask your partner the same thing. Number eight Set aside time to be present. It is really tough as individuals are not being present with one another. You might think you spend a lot of quality time together, but if you're not actually with each other, if one of you is on the phone and the other's on the computer, or you're only watching TV, but you're actually connecting, you're connecting to the television, sitting beside your partner, then there's not a crisis in the relationship.

00;22;13;25 - 00;22;33;29
Thais
So whether it's at dinner, whether it's kind of date night, whether it is there has to be conscious and intentional time set aside where you're not connecting to something else with the person next to you. So you're not like connecting to the television or to the computer while the person is there. You're actually connecting to the person themselves.

00;22;34;01 - 00;23;02;24
Thais
Number nine Check in in the relationship just like we have in the workplace. We need feedback. Just like anywhere we need feedback. Ask your partner are your needs being met? What can I do more? What can I do less of that upsets you? Ask your partner to hold space or the same questions for you. Tell your partner what needs are met, whatever unmet what's upsetting you Just have these conversations where you're getting feedback about the relationship anywhere else in our lives.

00;23;02;26 - 00;23;26;22
Thais
We need feedback like career. We get feedback, we have performance appraisal from those people in the part of the world. Physically, we tend to have feedback we way ourselves, so we check in with our body, You know, mentally, emotionally, we just detrimental that people are not having those conversations in a relationship. It's a necessary part of process. Number ten Keep playfulness alive.

00;23;26;25 - 00;23;56;04
Thais
People use intentionally. If you're ten years into the relationship and it's not coming up anymore, do it intentionally. Google just Google what people usually will find. You can be joking around or or, you know, just things you'll find there's usually a dynamic between you and your partner or playfulness exist. But find those things. And even if you look at what they were in the beginning of your relationship, find those things again to reintroduce them consciously and intentionally normalize.

00;23;56;09 - 00;24;21;26
Thais
These are needs that we have in our relationship. Number 11 Keep your resentment tank empty. This should be a goal that all relationships have. Ideally, people think or will say to me, That's impossible. It's so possible. The way it happens is by talking about your feelings around everything. It might feel like a lot at the beginning, but when somebody does something that hurts, do you have to say, Hey, you know, you might not have recognized that, but that hurt me a little bit, or I felt a little rejected.

00;24;21;26 - 00;24;53;28
Thais
There might be myself, but I felt rejected that. Can you be a little more careful with your words next time? We have to talk about all those all of those little things. Research shows it takes five positive things in a romantic relationship interactions thorough research done by the Gottman Institute where they literally had people live in a house and a sort of hotel like bed and breakfast, and they filled them 24 seven like this was this is something this was research very deeply conducted and positive things to outweigh one negative thing in a relationship.

00;24;54;01 - 00;25;13;06
Thais
And so that's a good statistic to give you a reference point to pull from. But also we can undo the one negative thing by having the conversation about it and letting the person know when we feel heard and validated. Like our feelings are seen in the presence of Hey, no, I didn't. I didn't mean to do that. I did.

00;25;13;06 - 00;25;33;21
Thais
We let that make you feel like that. Then that also just gets rid of the one negative thing. It neutralizes that right, right set. So let's talk about everything that bothers you. At the beginning, it might seem like there's a lot to talk about, but if you have to redo that, let's say you're reintroduced, you're introducing this now after your relationship.

00;25;33;21 - 00;25;51;07
Thais
It might feel like there's a lot to tell your partner. I'm setting the intention to talk about things more instead of repress them. Ask your partner do the same. At the beginning, it might feel like there's a lot after a while, it just becomes a really careful rejecting that a person that, Oh, I'm so sorry. And things get like it just becomes a natural part of conversation.

00;25;51;09 - 00;26;16;08
Thais
Other people ask me, Doesn't that take so much time? The answer is, it takes so much more time to store that thing as a resentment. Wait on autopilot for five positive things to outweigh that one negative thing. Hope that it happens. It usually doesn't, as a general rule, especially way later into a relationship, as a general rule. And then for that resentment, be angry towards your partner, pull away over time, feel sad about it.

00;26;16;12 - 00;26;37;23
Thais
You waste way more time by not having this obsession. Number 12 Last but not least, intentionally try to try to see and notice things about your partner on purpose. Look at them like what are they doing? It's powerful right now. What are they doing that's beautiful right now? What are they doing that is inspiring to you that they're trying to work towards?

00;26;37;23 - 00;27;03;11
Thais
Compliment these things, see and hear your partner. That's part of why we fall in love being heard. We notice we understood. Introduce those things into your relationship consciously and intentionally. Last but not least, I sent 12 and there's a bonus. There's a whole other video that I'm going to make. But intimacy generally follows this when there is emotional intimacy post honeymoon phase, physical intimacy tends to follow.

00;27;03;18 - 00;27;27;01
Thais
When emotional intimacy shuts off. Physical intimacy can stay alive for a while, but not forever. And it tends to be thought out in other ways other places, other forms, emotionally, physically, and always like. It's a need that we all have as human beings. So physical intimacy, sex tend to follow this emotional connection. As long as you're keeping me alive and in a relationship.

00;27;27;04 - 00;27;43;01
Thais
And the reason I put this in here is because that is an important kind of a romantic relationship. So it is something that should be checked in with conversations about I'll make a separate video for this, but those are your 12 or 13 key things today. Thank you so much for watching.