00;00;02;11 - 00;00;27;25
Thais
Hi, my name is Thais Gibson. I'm the owner and founder of the Personal Development School. This is your daily breakthrough video. And in this video, I want to speak to the dismissive avoidant attachment style about what they're anxiously attached partner needs. And I want you to recognize their dismissive avoidance that by giving this to your anxious or even fearful wind partner, it has the power to transform some of the dynamics in the relationship.

00;00;27;27 - 00;00;58;23
Thais
So I'm going to start by letting the dismissive of wouldn't know that you are not responsible for fixing or changing other people. And we know that all partners know that. However, romantic relationships and partnerships have a great capacity to impact one another, and by taking some small actions, you can literally transform the dynamic of your relationship. So no, it's not your responsibility, but there is something you can do to co-create a better and healthier dynamic with your partner.

00;00;58;25 - 00;01;23;25
Thais
So you're anxious. First, you need to know a few things. You're anxious, the partner feels unloved a lot, and often this is something I see and hear and listen to, and it's so common for the fearful, avoidant and anxiously attached individuals with a dismissive, avoidant partner. They often feel unseen by you and heard by you, discarded or even unimportant at times.

00;01;23;25 - 00;01;41;25
Thais
And it can create a lot of pain. And they wonder a lot if they stop putting in so much effort. What would happen to the relationship? Would you even notice? Sometimes they feel really invisible to you and it scares them. It scares them to think what if I didn't initiate? What if I didn't try so hard? Would the relationship stay alive?

00;01;41;28 - 00;02;03;20
Thais
And it can trigger this deep rooted fear of abandonment for them. And they want you so deeply to recognize things about them. They want you to recognize how they're growing in life, how they're succeeding, how to notice their new haircut or their new outfit, or any change they want to feel seen by. You noticed that's such an important part of how most individuals feel loved.

00;02;03;22 - 00;02;25;29
Thais
They need to feel special or like they matter to you and they really want to feel your warmth and affection. They want you to to be present. They want you to walk in the door and and notice them and come to them, connect with them. And they don't require as much connection as you think they do. They just require quality connection here and there.

00;02;26;01 - 00;02;46;05
Thais
So a lot of dismiss avoidance or tell me things like, Oh, I get afraid that once, once I start connecting, there's all this expectation, all this commitment, it'll go the opposite direction, believe it or not, once you start giving your partner a little bit of this regularly, they'll actually feel safer and more secure and they'll they'll step back and they'll come into themselves and they won't feel triggered.

00;02;46;05 - 00;03;15;10
Thais
And afraid of abandonment or disconnection, and they'll actually demand a lot less of you. And I promise you, this is a pattern I see almost 100% of the time, so it's almost infallible. There is a wounded child inside of your partner that is hoping that you'll notice them, hoping that you'll see them or think they have value or think that they're worthy of love and they're often dancing around you, just waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to validate this in some form or another.

00;03;15;12 - 00;03;41;07
Thais
And they tend to respond really well, not just through words, but actually less through words and more through actions. Your presence, your attention, your connection. That means usually not always, but usually even a little bit more to them than any kind of words or offering of affirmation or compliment. They tend to want you to be behaviorally connecting. So please notice them.

00;03;41;07 - 00;04;00;29
Thais
Please take a moment and try to meet these needs for them. You'll see a lot of the criticism that sometimes you're feeling and experiencing melt away and so many beautiful things shift in your relationship just by committing to noticing them and being present with them two or three more times a week for four or 510 minute segments, even less.

00;04;01;02 - 00;04;21;22
Thais
This will shift the dynamic dramatically in your relationship. So how do you do this? I know this is something that that you might recognize at a practical sort of logical level, but often dismissal avoidance, don't, you know, clearly know how to do this. And it's not your fault. It's because a lot of you weren't shown this in the first place.

00;04;21;24 - 00;04;43;07
Thais
So I'm going to teach you some really easy steps, really simple. So number one, you can just notice something about them. So you can, you know, sometimes to dismiss, avoid, will say, I notice that my partner makes me feel supported and that's really beautiful. But try to notice something that's specifically about that, not even about how they treat you, but just about them specifically.

00;04;43;10 - 00;05;03;29
Thais
And this could be like how they're working really hard in their career or how they've been, you know, financially improving with how they manage the budget around the House. Or this could be that they are mentally, emotionally growing and working on themselves and learning this could be that they're spiritually connecting more and more. This can be anything in any of the seven areas of life.

00;05;04;02 - 00;05;26;08
Thais
So look in the seven areas of life and see what do I notice my partner doing differently? What do I how do I see them showing up? So it's going to be career, financial, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual or relational, which can be with friends, family or romantic relationships in the marriage or partnership that you're in. So that's a really simple first way.

00;05;26;08 - 00;05;40;03
Thais
And just to go tell them, Hey, I noticed this about you, and I think it's really amazing just to notice something number two, this is another way. You don't have to do all of these either. You can just pick one or two and practice them once or twice a week, three times a week, even when they come home.

00;05;40;05 - 00;06;04;00
Thais
Stand up. If you live together or if they're coming over to your place to to visit you, to see you two to go on a date or something. You know, when you see them and greet them, stand up, give them your full attention and presence for a moment. And just it can be for 60 seconds of your time, but just say, hey, welcome home or hey, it's so good to see you get up and just make them feel connected to.

00;06;04;00 - 00;06;25;15
Thais
It's so important to them. And if you can give them a hug or some kind of affection or do something warm, even better. Number three, this is another potential tool you can use. And again, you don't have to use all of it. Just pick a couple intentionally practice physical affection. You don't have to do this if it doesn't feel right or if you're in pain or, you know, this isn't about betraying yourself or doing anything.

00;06;25;15 - 00;06;55;17
Thais
But this is about if you feel like the relationships in an okay place and you want to just intentionally grow it to a better place or improve it in some way, do something that's physically affectionate. And this doesn't necessarily mean sex at all. This means like touch their hand, put your hand on their leg, put your arm around them, hold their hand when you're walking, you know, put your arm around their waist, touch their hair, touch their face, you know, anything in that category will make them feel like there's this warmth and this connection and this love.

00;06;55;17 - 00;07;15;22
Thais
And it has a really powerful impact in the romantic relationship. Number four, when they're talking to you, especially if they're emoting in some way or sharing something, just try to listen. You don't have to fix the problem. You don't have to solve the problem. Just look at them and just listen and be present and ask them, Hey, is there anything I can do that would make this problem feel better?

00;07;15;22 - 00;07;34;25
Thais
Or is there anything you need from me? And you don't have to use this for a very long time. You can even do it for 5 minutes or less and just, you know, set the time to put 5 minutes aside to listen purposely, purposefully and in a focused way. Put your phone away, put everything away and just look at them and be present.

00;07;34;27 - 00;07;56;13
Thais
This will have a huge impact on your partner. Huge. Just intentionally tuning in. And again, it doesn't mean you have to do this all the time or stop if you're in the middle of something ever and you can you can just say, Hey, I want to be present with you, but I can't at this moment. Let me let me come back and be present with you in a few minutes or let me be present with you for 5 minutes at the end of the evening or the end of the day.

00;07;56;16 - 00;08;15;28
Thais
And number five, you know, when you're in the middle of something, don't ignore them. Just tell them, Hey, I'm literally in the middle of something and I'll I'll come and we'll chat later. It's okay to set boundaries. It's okay to say you're in the middle of something, but just don't do it by ignoring them. Okay? So these are five tools you can use.

00;08;16;00 - 00;08;38;02
Thais
They are so powerful. Just these little tiny things as a practice in your relationship. And I would highly recommend setting an alarm on your phone because it'll help you to remember. And just picking like two or three nights a week where you know, your alarm goes off and you can just do these things for your partner. And again, it doesn't have to be a huge commitment.

00;08;38;02 - 00;09;00;12
Thais
It can be for like 5 minutes, it can be 15 minutes a week. That will make a massive impact in your relationship. And it will also save you from feeling criticized or diminished or upset at. And we'll resolve conflicts proactively, like it will save a lot of time just by putting that little 15 minute investment in it will be so powerful.

00;09;00;14 - 00;09;22;17
Thais
And though it's not your responsibility to fix or change anyone, if you can do something to bring this person relief or to validate them or make them feel loved, why wouldn't you just for ten or 15 minutes a week? And again, it's just simple and and you can also validate your your partner's feelings. There's one other thing you can do that's really profound is just to let them know, like, Hey, so you're feeling upset today?

00;09;22;17 - 00;09;42;21
Thais
Or, Hey, I see that you're feeling a little bit down today or in conversation. So that's another thing you can do. If they're expressing pain and you want to resolve the conflict faster so that it's not in conflict, you can just validate their feelings there too. All of those things have a dramatically positive impact on the dynamic. So I hope you can commit to this.

00;09;42;23 - 00;10;14;01
Thais
I'm going to make one for the wedding as well. What they need from their they're anxiously attached or fearful of wedding or even secure partner. And I'm going to do this for all the attachment South because I think it's just nice to be able to share this with your partner if you want to if you're the anxiously attached or fearful wedding or secure in and you want to share this with your partner or just feel dismissive, want to learn a little bit and have these tools that can resolve conflict faster and make them feel more connected and simplify the relationship and some of the challenges that can pop up.

00;10;14;01 - 00;10;34;15
Thais
So thank you so much for watching. I will be launching some disposable wedding attachments that courses along with fearful avoidant anxiously attached all these courses. October 2nd of 2019. So just in a few short weeks and I hope you can jump on board, join our community. We have a whole online forum where you can connect with like minded people and I hope to see you there.

00;10;34;15 - 00;10;36;02
Thais
Thank you so much for watching.