00;00;07;23 - 00;00;23;11
Thais
Hi, my name is Thais Gibson, and I'm the owner and founder of the Personal Development School. This is your daily break through video. And today I'm going to do something totally different with this video, which is not totally different, but a little bit different than I usually do. And I'm going to tell you about that in a moment.

00;00;23;13 - 00;00;45;07
Thais
But before I get into this, if you haven't had a chance yet to reserve your spots for the early rent pricing for our upcoming course launch, please do so. Seriously. This content is like if you're going one of these videos, this content is ten times better. It gives you a step by step in detailed processes to overcome challenges that you're facing.

00;00;45;10 - 00;01;13;14
Thais
And we're trying to make it accessible to everybody, affordable to everybody. We're having some previous videos, if you prefer, individual sales or membership options, and a lot of you guys give me both as what you wanted, like both options. And so we just tailored this exactly to your needs and we're giving you both options. So we're trying to make it super accessible, very affordable, like really just accessible to basically anybody.

00;01;13;16 - 00;01;33;15
Thais
And we're making this so in detail that you'll be able to literally come in, pick a course based on whatever challenge or issue that you're facing and get your insight, your awareness, your steps for reprograming, your individualized workbooks, all of the things that you'll need to really transform whatever your challenges are by the end of the time that you finish the course.

00;01;33;18 - 00;02;00;04
Thais
So seriously, if you haven't had a chance yet, please find out. I'm so excited to be sharing this stuff and I'm really passionate about getting this information out there to people and getting people helped and healed and and giving people the opportunity to just live at their full potential when all of this real estate in their mind is taken up by old traumas and past resentments and attachments, challenges like when you're free of that, you start to really live and start to really be able to manifest a clear path for yourself.

00;02;00;06 - 00;02;22;15
Thais
So anyways, and babbling a little bit because I'm really excited to be sharing this and I've been recording the content and just really excited to be sharing with you guys. So anyways, kind of the topic for today. So I want to talk about children of nurses, So I'm actually going to do something different with the video today is I was doing some research and trying to sort of make these links and overlap.

00;02;22;15 - 00;02;47;15
Thais
I came across a beautiful article that I just felt like so deeply articulated. Many of the core challenges that children of narcissists are facing or has historically been facing. And I wanted to it. So this article was by a woman named Shakira A rape, I believe I should have written it down, but I'm 90% sure it was in thought catalog.

00;02;47;15 - 00;03;06;25
Thais
If you're interested, I'll link it in the description down below at the end of this video. But she wrote this this synopsis of a bunch of key traits that children of narcissists take on. And what it basically done is taken out those key points, develop my own ideas around those key points and added a whole bunch of my own towards the end.

00;03;06;25 - 00;03;37;21
Thais
So I think she came up with like eight or nine key points. I want to give you about 13 today and I'm going to go through totally different descriptions that she puts on there. But her points were just absolutely stunning. So I really wanted to share this information with you guys. So first and foremost, one of the traits that the children of narcissists face or basically come out of their childhood with is this tendency between a clarity of trusting too much and trusting not enough.

00;03;37;24 - 00;04;06;10
Thais
And I see this with every single individual I've worked with, with a child of somebody with a narcissist or two narcissistic parents. And I want to keep in mind narcissists. I don't like to label people and demonize people. And we do want to keep in mind a narcissist is just another person. But what we don't want to do is take an understanding that the narcissist is broken and then use that to repress or deny our own needs by later on boundaries because we put their feelings about ours.

00;04;06;13 - 00;04;29;29
Thais
So I'll get into all this stuff in just a moment. So so there is this duality between trusting too much and trusting not enough. And what is Duality of love demonstrates is the patterning in the programing that the narcissist gives their children. And here's what you'll see in a narcissist, because a narcissist tends to love their child as an extension of themselves, the nurses can be a very loving parents.

00;04;29;29 - 00;04;50;02
Thais
They can be very giving and really loving in being a rescuer and showing up and being great at coming through in times of need and but but what this is doing to a certain degree, is it's reinforcing to the parent that the parent is a good parent and the narcissism is driving a sense of their supply from showing up so profoundly.

00;04;50;05 - 00;05;08;26
Thais
And and the shadow side of the narcissist is that because they love is an extension of themselves and because they cannot handle shame, they spend so much of their lives unconsciously running from shame. What happens is the narcissist will show up strong in moments of need, but they can tear their child down a lot at the same time.

00;05;08;28 - 00;05;36;23
Thais
So a lot of examples of see of that is a narcissist has a child who's in sports or who is in pageants or who is in some kind of like paradigm where there's competition and this narcissistic figure or parent will crush the child to such strong degrees, such great length, specifically because they can't handle their child not winning, because they see that child as a direct extension and reflection of themselves.

00;05;36;23 - 00;06;00;23
Thais
And they love their child as themselves, as opposed to loving the child for their own individual, unique needs and traits and opinions and feelings. So instead of doing that, they can accept that they expect the child to sort of be this doll or this, you know, this person that they can mold and shape however they so decide and they punish their child when the child doesn't meet those needs.

00;06;00;25 - 00;06;32;26
Thais
And yet, because they love that child fiercely in a way that can be loving but also quite toxic at times and expectations and all of that, they they also get into this dynamic of like this. There's a duality. So so we will trust the child. The child of the narcissist tends to trust deeply to a certain degree with people, but then be highly suspicious and hyper vigilant at the same time, in many ways because there's this baseline foundational trust of not being hurt.

00;06;32;26 - 00;06;56;19
Thais
And so sometimes these children can be sort of risk takers to a certain degree in their adult lives or early adulthood. And then there's this other piece where there's this hyper suspicion of being hurt or or feeling unsafe or all sorts of things that can evolve from that point once they trust the other individuals in their adult lives so much, but then also not enough.

00;06;56;21 - 00;07;20;03
Thais
Another one point to is that and again, these are listed in this woman's article seeking to point to I'll get to the ones I added at the end is that there's this deep desire for love and for commitment, but tremendous fear at the same time. And what you have to remember is that there's this there's this image of a narcissist creates, right.

00;07;20;03 - 00;07;48;05
Thais
The narcissist create this image of I love so unconditionally, I love so much and I love you and I will give to you and and you know, we all do anything at the expense of ourselves. For others, like the narcissist essentially teaching enmeshment a lot of the time and codependency to a certain degree. And so there's this image of like love is beautiful and unconditional and undying, and then yet the narcissist shows up in our behaviors is teaching that love is conditional because they shame their child.

00;07;48;05 - 00;08;12;02
Thais
When the child doesn't meet the needs or expectations that they have or they punish their child or manipulator, all these different things. So there's these positive associations to this ideal of love that's expressed and often remember. One of the traits in the DSM as well for the diagnosis of a narcissistic personality disorder is literally unlimited fantasies of beauty, power or ideal love.

00;08;12;04 - 00;08;44;04
Thais
And so and that's one of the criteria out of nine criteria to diagnose a narcissist. So they tend to not always, but tend to present or portray these images of ideal love and perfect love. And yet they show up in their behaviors quite differently. And this happens the most when the child of a narcissist is as the child develops their independence and autonomy, a lot of narcissistic parents will try to like, control or hover over their children and stop their child from developing that independence.

00;08;44;06 - 00;09;23;01
Thais
Won't they sort of recognize that that independence is there? They tend to scale back quite a bit and there tend to be shifts in these relationship dynamics. But when the child is young, this shows up very, very strongly. Number three, traits of a child, of a narcissistic parent or parents, hyper vigilance. Okay. So because you had to have a certain way, behave a certain way because there were mood swings in the house or the home was often unsafe or there was feelings of being attacked or shamed or the expectations were so high and the emotions were so strong in the home, there's usually a certain level of toxicity or feeling unsafe for that child.

00;09;23;07 - 00;09;48;20
Thais
And so this child learns to be hypervigilant and hyper attuned to their parents and to everybody around them as basically an adaptation or survival strategy because of the environment that they're facing. So the subconscious mind goes, okay, if I can be hyper aware of what my parents emotions are, or this parent is the narcissist, but oftentimes both parents have some kind of unhealthy, at least enmeshment or codependency between the two of them.

00;09;48;20 - 00;10;12;27
Thais
So often just the home is unsafe in general. And there's one parent. It's a narcissist. If not, there can also be two parents who are who are narcissists. And so, of course, this produces this hypervigilance and often like hyper perfectionism, like often the child of a narcissistic parent or parents tends to be such a perfectionist because they're so afraid of making mistakes, because making mistakes for them in their childhood was not acceptable.

00;10;12;27 - 00;10;49;19
Thais
It was deeply worthy of punishment. Right. So becomes this adaptation or coping mechanism to become a hyper vigilant perfectionist in order to survive. Number four, terrible boundaries, I guess by boundaries didn't mean anything in your household a lot of the time. The narcissistic parent is not concerned with your boundaries. In fact, they're often not even aware that another individual has boundaries because of that sense of entitlement or grandiosity, that the narcissist has, they believe that they're able to bulldoze the boundaries of other people, especially their children.

00;10;49;19 - 00;11;08;14
Thais
They see as direct extensions of themselves. You should sort of fit into the mold. They set out for this child. And again, like the narcissist isn't always it's so strange because nurses can be very loving creatures to other children, often like children of narcissist, will tell me things like, Oh my gosh, he or she would always show up in times of need.

00;11;08;14 - 00;11;33;01
Thais
I ever really need anything. They would come through for me. And so on one level there's like this security that the narcissist provides, and that's where that duality of trust and not trusting comes in. But on the other level, there's this deep emotion insecurity. So there's like a survival, a foundational security, but not an emotional security that's capable that the narcissist is capable of providing.

00;11;33;01 - 00;11;54;20
Thais
And so what are boundaries? Well, boundaries are basically our feelings and needs as individuals that then become expressed, that create the sense of where somebody ends and another person begins. And so the narcissist will completely not even regard these sorts of things. And this can be physical, this can be mental, emotional, it can be spatial, it can be all sorts of different things.

00;11;54;20 - 00;12;17;26
Thais
But there tends to be this very strong lack of boundaries for the child of a narcissism or adult life. And I believe I have a video, I might do another video on this. Just the boundaries itself. The boundaries are essentially your feelings and needs being. Express best. That's what a boundary is, what your emotions are and what your needs are and the actual expression of it.

00;12;17;27 - 00;12;50;19
Thais
Okay. So just to sort of a point there, and in fact, on this point number four, with awful boundaries, often what I see is that the child of a narcissist tends to be quite disassociated from their own feelings and needs in real time. So often they're not even aware if if you take the child of a narcissist and you put them in a group of people, a roomful of people, or you put them with a couple other people, often these individuals, these children of narcissist will report to me that they don't even know what they're feeling in real time.

00;12;50;19 - 00;13;25;16
Thais
If somebody were to say to you, you know, what did you feel when the person said what they did and it was something offensive, Let's say this individual won't be able to know what their feelings were in real time. They would think, Oh, if this makes me feel uncomfortable or Oh, this makes me feel sad because they're so attuned to the other people that they're with, because that was how their brain adapted so it dissociate it or disconnected from their own feelings and needs and became hyper attuned to those of others or boundaries, of course, because that was a way that you survived and adapted to your environment due to their young age.

00;13;25;18 - 00;13;53;23
Thais
Number five, this incessant waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why? Because it's a reflection of your childhood. Your subconscious mind essentially tries to maintain its comfort zone or whatever programs and patterns it recognized in early life. It tends to project and assume that its external environment will become that in your own adult life. Right? So it's like your childhood almost gets projected as your worldview to certain degrees in later life.

00;13;53;23 - 00;14;23;25
Thais
So if you were always on the roller coaster in childhood and if there was a good moment, it was usually followed by chaos or resentment or the downfall of the roller coaster. Then you're expecting the same thing in your adult life as well. And again, that is only subconscious program. And as long as we have that program, our subconscious mind works to actually recreate the output of these programs because your subconscious mind goes off can really scary situations or really painful situations.

00;14;23;28 - 00;14;57;17
Thais
What happened? Well, we survived and the subconscious is just concerned with survival. It's not concerned with your happiness as an emotional, thriving. So so I mean, at least not to hardly any degree. Right. So so what happens is your subconscious mind, if you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and if that's a program, you will also be creating patterns of behavior to self-sabotage when you're happy for too long because you're going to be assuming this, this drop is coming and you better protect yourself as early on in advance.

00;14;57;20 - 00;15;36;23
Thais
So these programs tend to become their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And you really want to be aware of this and delivery patterning work around this. Number six, there's a tendency to be enmeshed with toxic people. Same reason as before. Our subconscious mind wants to create a comfort zone because we survived these painful circumstances in the past. Your subconscious actually builds a largely positive associations, which means when another toxic person or somebody is advantageous, or who tends to exploit others when they come into your space, it'll be a subconscious comfort zone for what love is or somebody to take, or the mostly unavailable subconscious comfort zone for what love is.

00;15;36;23 - 00;15;57;05
Thais
So children of nurses tend to be most attracted to other individuals who are similar to this or who make them feel a similar way of that parent dead because those are the earliest associations for what love is and was, and because they believe to a certain degree that, okay, we know this work and we stayed alive, so it must be fixed.

00;15;57;07 - 00;16;31;11
Thais
Okay. Number seven, fiercely independent children of narcissists tend to be fiercely independent. And I would add to this because remember, I'm giving you these key points from the article actually is the last article, and I have a few more that I can hear that are patterns that I notice. I would say that there's this this duality, again, between fiercely independent and fiercely codependent, codependent being the self sacrifice of one's own feelings and needs and boundaries in order to please others.

00;16;31;13 - 00;17;11;07
Thais
I mean, there's lots of that's not the definition of codependency, but that would be a great North Star if you're trying to figure out what codependency it, that's a great way of checking. So so the codependency comes from, again, subconscious comfort zone. But the fierce independence comes from that. Often you are you what? There's something called parental ification when you were a young child, which is that this narcissistic parent or often the other parent that's married to the narcissistic parent or with the narcissistic parent in a relationship, because oftentimes what I see when there's one narcissistic parent is that the other parent who's with them, they're not a narcissist themselves.

00;17;11;10 - 00;17;46;15
Thais
They are very codependent, and they tend to put the feelings and emotions onto that young child and make that child feel or perceive they're responsible for managing one, if not both of the parents emotions. Okay. So so oftentimes when there's a narcissistic parents, the the other parent or the narcissist themselves forces that child, both of them really to grow up so quickly and to to be so in the midst of so many adult things that they don't need to be in the midst of it.

00;17;46;15 - 00;18;08;13
Thais
This is you and you're watching this video and you're checking up all these points and just want to learn more. A great thing to look up as well as something called parental alienation syndrome. It's like when one parent tries to turn the child against the other and sort of uses the child as upon or resource to take control or power over the other parent because of the child on my side than that.

00;18;08;16 - 00;18;43;22
Thais
And I get some kind of one up on my partner. This is usually if there's two narcissist butting heads in a relationship and there's this major power struggle, there's all kinds of stuff that's really interesting in here, and I could just go on and on. But the root of this point number eight is that the child tends to be our stories is number seven, fiercely independent, able to figure things out on their own, come up with solutions, great at persevering, work well under pressure, very hardworking, push themselves extremely far and tend to be quite successful in their careers.

00;18;43;25 - 00;19;00;20
Thais
If they didn't end up as an addict or went through some kind of other really painful situation. But again, this is because of a very young age. They had to learn how to grow up and solve problems and figure it out because they weren't getting their emotional needs met and they weren't made to feel safe in their environment at home.

00;19;00;22 - 00;19;21;24
Thais
So they had to figure out how to find them, find that sense of safety within themselves and solve problems themselves, take care of others, take care of their parents. When there was chaos in the home, like a lot of these things create them. Those are all sort of like things that would fall under the umbrella of parental ification.

00;19;21;27 - 00;19;47;08
Thais
Number eight, I find that the child or children of narcissists or a narcissist tend to have a huge fear of receiving why? Because usually when they were with that parent, the narcissist would hold the thing that they were receiving over their head. So, for example, when are giving you something and then later they guilt you for it, there's a lot of guilt tripping going on in the narcissistic home.

00;19;47;10 - 00;20;10;27
Thais
There's a lot of this this parent saying to the child that I do everything for you. I drive you everywhere I go. I pay for everything for you. I do this and I do that almost like you, only. And so what the child learns is that they cannot receive unconditionally and they learn that their needs are later going to come back and sort of blow up in their face.

00;20;10;27 - 00;20;26;28
Thais
And they're going to be guilted or shamed for these things. So the child tends to grow up feeling like the only safe way of really getting through is to meet their own needs themselves by themselves, and to meet the needs of others almost hyper vigilantly so that they can get some form of one way emotional connection back. Okay.

00;20;27;01 - 00;20;47;07
Thais
Because sometimes that was the only way that this young child got presents. I'm super there for mom or super they're for dad. At least I get like these breadcrumbs of attention when I'm not getting much attention otherwise. And again, I'm wired to have some kind of two way connection coming into this world as a human being. But, you know, that's when we come into the world.

00;20;47;07 - 00;21;12;09
Thais
One of our only biological fears is three biological years period, and one of the only ones we have is the fear of abandonment. So we're wired to receive this attention and have this two way attunement in a relationship happening. And if one or both parents are not emotionally capable of this, it's really easy to sort of fall into this trap of of over giving and overextending and then also fearing receiving, which puts you at this like deficit all the time.

00;21;12;09 - 00;21;40;19
Thais
And and this fear of feeling like a bird in this fear of accepting help or favors from other people. And, you know, the body and the mind cannot sustain a healthy state of well-being if there's this constant imbalance between what you give to others and what you receive from others. So if you are not giving back to yourself and replenishing yourself in a very, very healthy and conscious, intentional way, then you can't uphold this dynamic because you'll just always be operating at a deficit.

00;21;40;19 - 00;22;08;07
Thais
And honestly, this leads to long term health challenges, depression, anxiety, addiction, you name it. That can be a really big underlying pattern. So keep that in mind. The next thing is and I think this is so interesting. So number nine, this duality of sharing and hiding this do a holiday of opening up and sharing and and being open and then hiding and not wanting to share and keeping very specific things private.

00;22;08;13 - 00;22;37;22
Thais
Oftentimes that's how the child grows up. A narcissist has some questions or demands to know about their life or death was based for interesting conversations, and then at the same time, the nurses make them feel very unsafe about certain emotions, opinions, feelings, needs they might have. And so you get into this duality of like, I'm like the child wanting to share one connect, thinking that certain things are safe, certain things are okay, and other things are totally not okay and totally not safe.

00;22;37;22 - 00;23;01;18
Thais
So there's this big shame and hiding and sort of splitting off aspects of their identity between being open and being quite close. And oftentimes a child of a narcissist, individuals around them will find them to be very likable because of course, you have to be charismatic and attuned with hypervigilance and all these different things. So they find them to be charismatic and very present and they're able to connect deeply and give a lot.

00;23;01;18 - 00;23;22;17
Thais
And so oftentimes people really take them as individuals. But a lot of these individuals will tell me things like, Oh, people say that I'm one of their closest friends or such a good friend, and I don't feel that close to them. And the reason for this is because there's a split part of yourself that you're not sharing. And so much of closeness is about two way vulnerability between individuals.

00;23;22;20 - 00;23;48;12
Thais
Number ten. Okay, so I have three more. And actually the three coming up are probably the most powerful. So so number ten, a great capacity for deep love. One thing that's really beautiful about the child of a narcissist is that they learn to love almost unconditionally. I think that we are all capable and we all are basically made of unconditional love at our core.

00;23;48;12 - 00;24;06;27
Thais
But I think we are covered up with all these layers of people programing and patterns and fears that make us act out of our evil mind and block us from the true expression of that a lot of the time. But but at the child of a narcissist can have a lot of their own stuff for sure that they need to work on and reprogram and all kinds of stuff.

00;24;06;27 - 00;24;26;05
Thais
But there's one aspect of them that they tends to be very capable of feeling for other people. They tend to be sort of social justice warriors, champions of the underdog, like all these different things, because they have this capacity for deep love and this is because they had to learn to love their parents even in all of their pain.

00;24;26;07 - 00;25;00;12
Thais
They had to learn to love their parents despite being hurt, despite being vulnerable. And a lot of the times they learned how to do that. Now, this won't always be the case, and it's okay completely. If you withdrew from your parents or you're still angry at your parents or frustrated or any of that, but is completely okay and very healthy to have a strong boundary around your parents if you are the child of narcissists, but you will tend to those, at least in your patterning, that your great capacity for deep love for other people.

00;25;00;14 - 00;25;31;14
Thais
Number 11, riddled with guilt. I'm going to do a whole other video about this, but this is extraordinarily important. The impact of guilt on our physiology, on our actual physical health, immune system, repair function, everything is ten out of ten major. So because you are hyper vigilance in childhood made you safer and because feeling more for other people's feelings, dissociating from your own was one of the safest applications you could make.

00;25;31;14 - 00;25;51;18
Thais
Living in the home as a child, a narcissist or a narcissist. And because you tend to be manipulated by one or both parents in that home, whether it's a narcissist and a codependent or two narcissistic, either coexisting, or what you learn is that you can you learn to just be way more tuned in to everybody else's feelings and needs than your own.

00;25;51;18 - 00;26;15;27
Thais
You're taught that sacrifice a lot of the times, righteous and good and being self-sacrificial and nobody having boundaries are positive and and we should let go of our needs and do for others. And and a lot of this is a form of manipulations with certain degree. And a lot of it too, is just pure unconsciousness in the narcissist or the codependent or both narcissist and and often guilt trip The lot is a form of manipulation.

00;26;15;27 - 00;26;39;09
Thais
So here's what happens. You're riddled with guilt, and this guilt will be everywhere. Like if this is you and you're watching this video and again, you're checking all these boxes, please start one practice that I swear by. Keep a guilt journal for ten days, for two weeks, just to notice how often you're feeling guilt throughout the day, start becoming aware of it, and then I'll make a whole other video and I have a fourth coming out on this.

00;26;39;11 - 00;27;05;27
Thais
These are really important things. Dr. Barber, who's an amazing author and writer, talks about how guilt is one of the number one underlying causes. There's all these studies, and he's done a ton of research on this to show that this is one of the number one underlying causes that creates, what do you call it, autoimmune disorders, addiction, all kinds of pain.

00;27;05;27 - 00;27;25;21
Thais
So guilt is very heavy, a painful emotion. We really want to check in with ourselves and start reprograming and removing if it's super out of balance. And again, goal. Please check out my other videos. This is you. Because, you know, we often think that guilt is right and good, but guilt actually covers actually from fixing or solving the underlying root problem.

00;27;25;21 - 00;27;50;02
Thais
And I don't want to get into this too much in this video, so please check out my other video in detail about guilt and how to reprogram and pattern it. But guilt, if anything, just serves for an instant to notice that we made a mistake or did something wrong. But we don't need to feel guilty in order to recognize that we made an error to correct it without criticism, without punishment, without guilting and shaming ourselves, and to do the right thing and hurt people.

00;27;50;02 - 00;28;08;20
Thais
Hurt people. So the more guilty you are, actually, the more likely you are to recreate and pattern more guilt in your mind. I'm sort of rushing with a woman's body was very long, but please check that out. Just so important. The last few points. I'm going to make them super quickly because I actually am really running out of time.

00;28;08;23 - 00;28;38;22
Thais
And and I'll do I'll I'll add more videos to this because I think this is such an important topic. The last two point them are 11 and 12. So nurses are often extremely hard working and they're often tearful avoidant, attachment style. And I will come back to this and make more videos and information about this. Please check out my video on Yelp and again, please sign up for the online courses if you had the chance already to reserve your Earlybird prices or 25% off right now until lunch and all you have to do is go to the personnel department's website.

00;28;38;25 - 00;28;55;11
Thais
You can look down below and click and then click on transformational course offerings in or courses. Put in the courses you want to reserve for early word pricing with your name, your email that sent and you will have it reserved. That is rate. Thank you so much for watching. Thanks you being a part of the journey with me.

00;28;55;11 - 00;28;58;29
Thais
I really appreciate all the comments, the links to share subscribe and I will see.