00:00:10:18 - 00:00:23:15
Thais Gibson
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.
My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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Thais
Do you find yourself wondering if you or somebody in your life has an avoidant attachment style and what that even means or actually is? Well, in today's video, we are going to cover ten signs that somebody has an avoidant attachment style and some really key clues to help you pick up quite quickly what somebody's attachment style might be.

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Thais
And this can be a tool that you use to self evaluate or more easily understand what somebody else's attachment style might be very soon after meeting them. Now, if you're not familiar with attachment cells, I do want to say that there are four major attachment styles and every single person has one. So not only can you dig into today's video, but the avoidant, but you can research any other videos on this channel.

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Thais
I'll put a link to a couple down below to check out other key signs of other attachment styles.

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Thais
So the very first sign that you might be just a simple boy is that you find yourself being really afraid of being vulnerable.

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Thais
And although you may sort of be a little bit disconnected from your emotions and not even sign that you relate to vulnerability from a place of fear, if you pay close attention, you do a lot of things to avoid vulnerability.

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Thais
So there is some sort of subconscious fear, even if you're not really connected to the emotion of it. And generally you might make vulnerability mean that you will feel helpless if you're too vulnerable to others, that you're weak, and you don't want to have to rely on somebody,

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Thais
that you're shameful, that it's shameful to be vulnerable

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Thais
or that you're unsafe.

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Thais
And these are not things that vulnerability is. But when we get conditioned and then in an environment specifically like dismissed wooden steel, where your needs are neglected, if your needs are neglected or consistent periods of time, it feels really bad to try to open up and be vulnerable and share things about yourself. Share your needs, be known

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Thais
because you associate all those things based on the way you were conditioned with leading to those outcomes.

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Thais
As a child, you might have felt weak when you felt helpless as a child. You might have been shamed for opening up and being vulnerable. You know, don't cry. That's, you know, be a big girl or, you know,

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Thais
big boys don't cry. You know, these these types of messages we get during being conditioned right during our upbringing and the way that we're socialized.

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Thais
And eventually those things get programed into us as concepts or ideas at a subconscious level that we see and interact with the world through. So number one is dismissal. When you tend to really be afraid of being vulnerable

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Thais
and they will do all sorts of different things to avoid vulnerability, especially as they get closer and closer to people in relationships.

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Thais
Number two, you may find that as a strategy to actually avoid your feelings as a whole. You constantly escape into things. I find that dismissal avoidance have a generally difficult time, and I saw this a lot throughout my practice, especially when I was working with couples. I would find that as soon as the ante was up in terms of like vulnerability or openness or having to have tough conversations and get really present, if anything was triggering too strong of a feeling response for the dismissive avoidant partner in the couple, I would often find that person tried to escape and they would be through subconscious strategies.

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Thais
It wasn't like they would consciously get up and leave the room necessarily, but they would do things like, you know, get restless, want to move around, want to deflect, want to move the conversation in a different direction. And I would hear many discussions and stories of partners of dismissive avoidance over the years who said the same thing, right?

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Thais
A tough conversation would happen. Their partner would get really restless, move away, escape into their phone, and have countless conversations with days over the years who say things like, I can't sleep without the television off. I you know, as soon as I get in the car, I'm I'm, you know, turning up the radio right away. I'm trying to you know, it's almost like they need constant stimulation.

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Thais
And I truly believe through a lot of my research into dismissive avoidance over the last decade that dismissive avoidance do this largely is a subconscious strategy to distract themselves from their own feelings and their own emotional state because they have some sort of barrier and fear of feeling. And again, this goes back to the way they were conditioned in their upbringing, right?

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Thais
If you had this deep dynamic of being neglected and if that felt really bad, and if you haven't processed that, and if also when you were a child, your needs were neglected, there is a chronic feeling of safety that comes with that, because if you can't trust your caregivers to be reliable, consistent, even if it just emotionally like for the vast majority of dismissive avoidance, by the way, they will report to me that their childhood was wonderful.

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Thais
And it's not that there wasn't a sense of stability, like a lot of dismissive avoidance. I have,

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Thais
you know, food on the table structure, a ride to school in the morning like a lot of dogs have that. But the emotional facet of connection and relationships is what's completely empty or lacking. And so we have different pillars of connection.

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Thais
We have mental or intellectual connection. Words tend to feel quite safe. We have emotional connection, which does usually have a strong element of neglect around in their upbringing. Then we have like physical connection,

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Thais
which we'll find often distance avoids also have lacking like parents giving them a hug or, you know, having some sort of physical affection in a healthy way between parent and child.

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Thais
then we have sexual connection, which obviously relates to our adult romantic relationships. And,

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Thais
know, that can be affected by our other pillars of emotional and physical connection. So going back to staying on track here,

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Thais
I'll often find dismissive wounds because of that neglect, triggering this chronic feeling of being unsafe, dismissed of avoidance, or they feel this low level.

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Thais
They're often in this like low level fight or flight response because it's become a set point at a subconscious level. And that neglect growing up in childhood, even if it was just emotional neglect, led them to often feel like, my gosh, I can't trust, I can't rely on somebody, are my needs going to be met? Will I be okay?

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Thais
And that will lead to that subconscious comfort zone of feeling unsafe regularly and needing to escape that chronic feeling of safety that's lingering. And I want to be clear, but one other thing and I'll move on to point number three, which is that dismissible avoidance as well. They can find themselves in a position where

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Thais
they are overtly, overtly neglected, so they can also struggle with neglect as a whole.

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Thais
They can struggle with like routines, food on the table, like their needs can be neglected from a very basic level as well. But I would say the vast majority of dismiss avoidance generally suffer more from that covert neglect under that emotional pillar relating, whereas, you know, more extreme days we can see a bigger theme of neglect that's overt,

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Thais
both with basic needs, physical needs, food, survival needs, and those emotional needs as a byproduct as well.

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Thais
So number three, and it's really, really it's back to the I am unsafe core wounded. A lot of these have they tend to really dislike conflict. It doesn't mean that these will never be in a conflict but it does mean that generally they will do what they can to deflect, avoid, shut down, withdraw from conflict as quickly and as easily as possible.

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Thais
Because of that, I am unsafe or wounded. So we may see, for example, that a dismissive avoidance in the middle of an argument will be like, okay, I'm sorry, I get it, and then later on will not really come back and,

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Thais
you know, okay, I'll do that. I'll do that thing you ask me to do and then won't necessarily follow through because sometimes they're in this this fight or flight response mode where they're afraid of the conflict.

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Thais
It's really just regulating and uncomfortable for them. And so they'll just kind of say, yes, yes, yes, no problem to escape the situation without necessarily being fully present and involved in the conversation in order to resolve and move the needle to whatever outcome needs to be happening for the growth of the relationship that they're in. So

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Thais
I'll do the sort of deflecting mechanisms around conflict, but also I mean CD's

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Thais
really just avoid conflict, really don't like trauma,

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Thais
will really do what they can to avoid engaging in conflict, avoid arguments, just anything as a whole.

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Thais
This myth of avoidance are so much more sensitive to criticism than you might think.

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Thais
They tend to struggle with this. I am defective core wound, which really is like something's wrong with me.

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Thais
This sort of like inherent belief that something's wrong with me. And the reality of where this comes from is, again, going back to neglect in childhood. If there's

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Thais
a substantial amount of neglect under a particular or multiple pillars of connection and relationships. Dear children, when and because our attachment cell develops really young,

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Thais
dismiss children they can't conceive of, my parents are emotionally unavailable or my parents aren't very stable.

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Thais
So the child mind personalizes everything. This is what it does. And so what essentially takes place is when their needs are not being met. They instead of seeing the lack of availability from the caregiver, goes,

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Thais
well, there must be something wrong with me, then I must be defective, something must be wrong with me that I'm not getting my needs met and they have this deep, deep subconscious program around that.

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Thais
And this really leads to chronic shaming of themselves. If you're listening to this

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Thais
video and you think you might be a dismissive boy, I would really urge you to check in and ask yourself, like, how much do you shame yourself for little things? I have a countless conversation with business of avoiding clients over the years who said things to me that like when I really do a shame audit with them, they'll say, Yeah, if I got out of bed late, you know, I wanted to get up at eight, I got up at 830 and I really, for the first hour of the morning, it like I really was giving myself a hard time.

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Thais
I didn't really identify it as shame. But now that we're talking about it, yeah, I really shamed myself, really put myself down for it and it really is this triggering feeling of like,

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Thais
something's wrong with me. Like I'm just defective. And I want to be really clear that

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Thais
these are programs, programs are not reality. They are just an idea you adopt and it gets embedded into the subconscious mind because the subconscious is program through repetition plus emotion.

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Thais
So if you've repetitively unmet needs and it elicits this emotional response of like, it must be me, then the firing and wiring of that idea across time leads you to believe this about yourself. It doesn't mean it's the truth, but it's a belief and it creates this filter. Your subconscious mind is essentially this filter that you see and interact with the world through where I guess a lens would be a more appropriate term.

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Thais
So this lens you see and interact with the world through. And so it's really valuable to learn to recondition some of these ideas by really questioning them, by really bringing them to your conscious mind awareness and being able to do some reprograming work.

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Thais
So number five is

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Thais
dismissed. Loved ones tend to have low emotional bandwidth at all times.

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Thais
They're sort of in like a low level deactivated state. In other words, they tend to not really feel like they can point to other people emotionally. Why is this? Because, again, if you didn't learn how to fill your own cup emotionally, because there was no modeling in childhood to pour into your cup emotionally and to meet your needs and show up for them, if that wasn't there for you in a 1 to 1 connection from a caregiver, then you don't have very much in your cup to then pour in to other people.

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Thais
And if you combine that with these idea that, my emotions are unsafe, that part of me shameful or bad or weak, you know, these ideas, it does sort of collect through conditioning about these aspects of self. Then what ends up happening is you get into a position where you don't feel like you can even go there. You can't even go to look at the cup, let alone pour into it, which translate.

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Thais
It's into what people have to give for others. And the reality is, as cliche as it sounds, what we show up for in the relationship to ourselves is what we have an abundance of that we can then distribute to the relationships outside of ourselves. And this goes for all things and all needs, all for anxious, preoccupied. So, for example, you know, if they have a lot of ability to

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Thais
give their their emotional connection needs met to themselves, then they that translates into the emotional connection needs met they have with others.

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Thais
So all of these things

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Thais
really reflects like the way this individual treats themselves as well. So our next one is

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Thais
number six. Dismissive of wounds often feel misunderstood. Now, one of the most important things that I've learned over the years about dismissive avoidance is that they usually chronically feel misunderstood and struggled to even open themselves up. They kind of have this like, why bother concept around trying to express themselves and it's because they're not communicating their needs.

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Thais
Now we know we know that dismissive avoidance are often in relationships with people who have more emotions to give, right? We know that they're usually in relationships with fearful avoidance who are over givers at times, or apps who are also over givers

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Thais
and or even securely attached people at times who have a lot more of that abundance to give.

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Thais
That doesn't mean because you're with a giving partner that the giving partner mind reads all of the things that you need at all times. So dismissive of avoidance tend to feel misunderstood and feel like people are misinterpreting their actions or criticizing them for things that they aren't intending to do

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Thais
or shaming them for things that they didn't mean to do.

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Thais
And largely this problem gets solved when dismiss avoidance, learn to communicate what their needs are, what their boundaries are, what their intentions were, why they did what they did.

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Thais
And in order to do that, dismissive avoidance have to first work through that fear of vulnerability. Because in translating that, you have to be seen and known. But what I really want to get across here is that do you up is big.

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Thais
I am misunderstood core wound and they often

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Thais
will shy away from communication when in fact that communication would help you get your needs met. That would help you feel seen and known in a healthy way. And if you say to somebody, Look, let's say you're dating an anxious, preoccupied person as a day and you say to your partner, Look, I really care about you and the relationship.

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Thais
I feel like we're in a great spot. My emotional bandwidth is used up this week. I am tapped out and I really need Friday night just to spend time with myself to recharge. And then we'll hang out Saturday instead. Or I'll see you on Sunday. If you could give context and open up a little bit and share and be transparent, it would actually help your partner be like, okay, there isn't a problem.

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Thais
We're okay. It wouldn't trigger the partner's core wounds. And then what you would see is that partner would have a much better time understanding and making space for your needs. But instead what often happens is you just withdraw and they feel conflict. They want to cancel plans any time to themselves. They won't communicate with context and openness and transparency, and those things will be misread as, you don't care, You didn't even care to show up.

00:15:18:09 - 00:15:28:24
Thais
And really what's happening a lot of the time is it feels kind of like guilty but doesn't want to communicate, doesn't want the conflict withdraws instead to avoid the whole thing. And there's just a much easier way

00:15:28:24 - 00:15:31:18
Thais
opening up a little bit more in communicating your why.

00:15:33:05 - 00:15:47:07
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00:15:58:17 - 00:15:59:21
Thais
number seven

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Thais
Dismiss avoidance. Tend to believe that everybody is responsible for themselves. Now this is true. Halfway right. We are responsible for our own feelings. Our own needs are

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Thais
our own boundaries. We do have to know these things about ourselves in order to communicate with them, communicate them with others so we can be seen and known and understood.

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Thais
However, what happens all the time is that we don't see healthy interdependence. Interdependence is the middle, and you can think of it as being between codependency, which is the app leaning the anxious side of the attachment continuum and

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Thais
independence, like hyper independence or even counter dependency on this far side of the attachment spectrum. Now, healthy communication and healthy relating means I am, yes, responsible for my own feelings, my own wounds.

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Thais
But I'm also allowed to share with you what my needs are. And healthy relating means we take each other's needs and wounds into consideration. So, for example, you know, I know for my husband, for example, sensitivities that he has two things. And what I do naturally, because we've shared about these things many times, is I know, you know, sensitivities that he has in certain areas of his life.

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Thais
And I know how to just avoid those things or to look out for those things or to have his back in those areas if something is going to come up for him and vice versa. And that's because we've shared those things with one another. And so what ends up happening is when we when we can communicate and share, we can support each other better.

00:17:28:23 - 00:17:29:23
Thais
It doesn't mean like,

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Thais
because he has a sensitivity. I'm never going to support him and care about him and he only can deal with that on his own. That's that's not how it works, right? When we love, when we bond, when we attach, we can look out for those things in others. We can be there for them in certain ways.

00:17:43:23 - 00:18:09:18
Thais
And at the same time we can know that, hey, ultimately we each have to fix any internal wounds. Only we can do that. Reprograming But it doesn't mean that if somebody has a wound of feeling rejected, for example, that I'm not going to if I have, you know, something to communicate and this isn't my husband's wound, but let's just say that it's around rejection and I have to communicate something that's like constructive feedback for the relationship.

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Thais
I might start off by saying, Hey,

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Thais
I feel like we're in a great place overall. I really care about you. I want to share something with you and sort of preface it so that it's better received by somebody because we understand that right? And so how the interdependence means, yes, we are responsible for our own, our own feelings and needs, but we can also communicate them to others and have them be considerate of us at the same time.

00:18:31:23 - 00:18:36:20
Thais
And dismissive avoidance tend to be really polarized in the fact that they think that,

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Thais
you know, no, we don't do that. We don't even that's not even required for a relationship. And again, this sounds like it's mean that somebody would even think that. But the reality is this is what was model to dismissive avoidance. This was their trauma.

00:18:49:00 - 00:18:49:18
Thais
This is

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Thais
how they were taught to relate to other people because they were given this type of modeling and connection from their parents or caregivers growing up. And furthermore, like we all, we often talk about how dismissive avoidance breadcrumb in relationships they were breadcrumbs in their childhood. So this is how they know how to love, right?

00:19:08:00 - 00:19:14:23
Thais
So number eight, they tend to really want a relationship that is simple, harmonious and and

00:19:14:23 - 00:19:31:13
Thais
basically low effort and again, this starts to heal and change as they become more and more securely attached. But they tend to want to avoid all the conflict, drama, pain, struggle, all that kind of stuff because they don't know how to work through conflicts because it hasn't been model to them.

00:19:31:15 - 00:19:55:14
Thais
So if you imagine that you're programing your subconscious mind lens that it sees an actor interacts with the world through. If you believe that you're programing, if you imagine that you're programing, says I can't work through conflict, you know, really opening up is bad and shameful and weak. And, you know, I don't want to feel my feelings under any circumstances because I've done that as a child and that didn't go well for me.

00:19:55:14 - 00:20:13:08
Thais
And that's your programing, right? That's your individual reality doesn't necessarily mean it's like the objective reality, but you're subjective programing. That's what you believe. That's what you know, you're sure of it. Then of course you want a relationship that's low after because you need to relate without dealing with all that stuff, right? So it has to be simple and easy.

00:20:13:10 - 00:20:29:22
Thais
Again, these things change as dismiss of avoidance, learn to become more securely attached. They start fearing those things and they learn all these strategies to deal with conflict, to work through their emotions, to regulate themselves. And then this whole thing shifts. But at the time when this is just that

00:20:29:22 - 00:20:33:05
Thais
that person's natural programing, it translates into the relationship.

00:20:33:05 - 00:20:39:12
Thais
And you'll often find as a result, that sense of one's will flow defined as a subconscious strategy for self-protection.

00:20:39:12 - 00:20:55:14
Thais
And we'll see. This goes into number nine here. This miserable end may lose feeling suddenly in relationships. And what happens is these are always operating in their feelings, minus their fears. When there is a low attachment, like in the dating stage, those early days of a relationship, those fears don't really get activated.

00:20:55:14 - 00:21:18:00
Thais
The more there is attachment now, our subconscious mind goes, okay, what do I know about attachment? the last time I really attach this vulnerability. So basically on assignment, we tend to use our adult romantic relationships to replace our caregiver relationships with our parents. So the subconscious mind, which is basically operating as like a giant filing cabinet of information, goes and says, attachment.

00:21:18:00 - 00:21:26:02
Thais
I'm attaching, I'm bonding, I'm opening up. As that relationship progresses. And that turns into the dismissive warning going,

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Thais
my gosh, attachment is scary. And so the more attachment is there, the more ideas are operating in their feelings. And then those fears start to rise up. And it's almost like the subconscious opens a filing cabinet and goes, What do we know about attachment?

00:21:39:10 - 00:22:14:19
Thais
my gosh, it's scary. Vulnerability doesn't feel good, conflict feels really bad, and all those fears come up. And so these are contain this feeling minus fear space. If those fears are too strong or high, if the day has too many fears that are unresolved there, it will lead them to a point where they end up losing, feeling, suddenly finding in their partner like as a subconscious strategy to feel protected, like nit pick little things as a way to justify pushing the person away and their subconscious mind basically feels all this stored fear and does what it can to create space and to push somebody away, to stay safe, to be okay.

00:22:14:21 - 00:22:20:22
Thais
And this brings me to number ten. They can also struggle with this core belief. It's not really a core belief, but

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Thais
it's related to a core belief where they believe that, like, I'm not good enough

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Thais
or that the higher level belief is I'm not capable of giving other people what they need.

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Thais
And often, again, they think like I'm just not capable.

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Thais
I don't know how to do this stuff. And you have to remember, if you have very low modeling

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Thais
for emotional connection and you haven't been taught properly or properly or consistently how to healthily emotionally relate to others and how to give and receive and how to do a lot of these, these things that a lot of other attachment sells feel not really come to them, then you're going to feel like it's an unknown.

00:22:56:04 - 00:23:06:09
Thais
So when people are like, Why did you do this? Why didn't you do this? How could you forget about this thing? A lot of times and I've had countless conversations with these clients over the years have said things to me like,

00:23:06:09 - 00:23:13:09
Thais
you know, I, I just think I'm not cut out for relationships. I'm not wired for them. I just I don't think I'm capable of this like other people are.

00:23:13:11 - 00:23:36:01
Thais
And this is just the meaning the mind will give to the situation when it doesn't know that there are solutions, when it doesn't know, Hey, I can do a little exposure work on vulnerability. I can do a little reconditioning of my core wounds and I can learn healthy communication tools to work through conflict. And if I remove these core wounds through reprograming of weak, shameful or unsafe,

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Thais
you know, I am not capable.

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Thais
I'm not good enough these days. I misunderstood. If I just do some reprograming, which is easy to do, and then I learn healthy communication about my needs and to work through conflict, then rate. They're like, wow, like relationships got so much easier

00:23:53:04 - 00:23:58:20
Thais
and it's not that somebody is not capable at that when they don't have the tools and they don't know what the tools would be.

00:23:58:22 - 00:24:00:15
Thais
And it's like an unknown unknown,

00:24:00:15 - 00:24:03:10
Thais
then it makes it really, really tricky. So

00:24:03:10 - 00:24:06:17
Thais
I do want to say it is absolutely possible to change, to become secure,

00:24:06:17 - 00:24:12:21
Thais
to have healthy attached relationships. And those are ten of the major signs you might be dismissing. Avoid it. So

00:24:12:21 - 00:24:19:19
Thais
this can also be for partners of ideas who are wondering to see if they're partners, dismissive, avoidant and hopefully this makes a lot of sense.