00:00:00:00 - 00:00:33:23
Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host, Heidi Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.
So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.


Have you often found yourself entangled in the confusing web of the dismissible Boyton attachment cells relationship behavior and found yourself wondering can they truly come back after the silence of no contact? Well, if this is something you're curious about, stay tuned. And in this video, I'm going to tell you all about exactly what to expect. First and foremost, it's really important to recognize what's going on with the dismissive avoidant in their internal world to gain insight as to why no contact tends to work so well.

00:01:14:13 - 00:01:40:06
Thais
And the first thing is that dismissible points tend to be in their feelings minus their fears, right? So what happens a lot of the time it's early in the dating stage. If there's a lot of feelings and attraction and stuff going on that the DA tends to have their guard quite lowered, which tends to especially be the case when somebody seems non-committal, when they seem like they're not pressuring, when they say that they're not really looking for something long term right away or when there's like long distance in a relationship.

00:01:40:12 - 00:01:57:15
Thais
All those things help the day feel kind of like they can be more of themselves. And part of what's actually going on is it doesn't mean they're not that interested in somebody. The vast majority of the time, I mean, it can be that, of course, but the vast majority of the time, dismissed of avoidance, have a lot of stored fears.

00:01:57:17 - 00:02:22:24
Thais
Their childhood relationship to their caregivers generally comes from one of childhood emotional neglect. So once there is a bonds to their attachment figure in childhood, which first of all tends to happen between the ages of zero and two years old. Usually what was happening is that their needs were unmet, whether it was their emotional needs just being present from their caregivers, being attuned to feeling like they were safe in their caregivers presence and experience.

00:02:23:01 - 00:02:44:21
Thais
A lot of these things weren't met. And so and this, of course, continues out throughout childhood. We have neuroplasticity so that that attachment cell can also develop a little bit later on in childhood. But but or change a little bit later on. It's already developed between zero and two and then can sort of change accordingly to what what your childhood experiences are, what your household is like.

00:02:44:21 - 00:03:09:01
Thais
Did your parents separate, get remarried, any of that kind of stuff? But anyways, what we often see is those stored associations, those that stored that have programs about what attachment is, what closeness is in relationships is that it's really painful and your needs or get mad. It just feels disappointing in the end. It feels sad. It feels like you're neglect it so you're out for yourself and that's how you survive.

00:03:09:03 - 00:03:39:05
Thais
And so commitment poses a threat to all of that, right? Commitment says, no, you're not for yourself. You have to give to somebody else. You have to expose yourself to all those horrible, terrible fears. And so it's really like consciously, the DA doesn't know that, but subconsciously, this is often what's going on. So when there's this closeness and when more commitment happens, when more pressure moving towards commitment happens, when there's anything that seems to infringe on the sense of self and independence, which is what gave them a feeling of safety in childhood, right.

00:03:39:05 - 00:04:02:19
Thais
Like, fine, I'll just distance myself from this relationship to my caregiver and my expectations of what could happen, and then I'll just really focus on myself. And at least that brings me relief. So it feels a person's coping mechanisms are being taken away. Right. Which is why, you know, the more there's commitment, the more there's vulnerability required there, the more there's demand for openness, long term relationships, pressure to open up all these things.

00:04:03:00 - 00:04:24:20
Thais
That's why we start getting the idea who pulls away, who backtracks, who tries to create that space, or even stonewalls. So then we go to no contact. Well, how does that affect no contact, Will? Because as when no contact happens in relationships, when something hasn't worked, the DA has all of that stuff that was pushing on their fears melt away almost immediately.

00:04:24:20 - 00:04:41:13
Thais
Right. And the longer no contact extends the the more the fear is now diminished because there is no reason for them. Right. There's nothing triggering or catalyzing them to come up. So now their feelings are back there again, Right? So if we have the feelings minus the fears and the fears come on high and they overcome the feelings.

00:04:41:13 - 00:05:01:10
Thais
Right now we have the deep pushing away. Once there's distance, the fear is go back down. And now they just feel their feelings right there, attraction, their interest, these sorts of things. Now, sometimes two years we'll be like, it's too late. Or I don't want to go back to the commitment. So they may kind of pop back up after no contact and still be noncommittal or not want to take the next steps or make an offer.

00:05:01:14 - 00:05:27:04
Thais
But a lot of times those feelings are really online and they're feeling that again. So this is, you know, what's important to note first. Now, what do you do if you're in this situation? And by the way, and how long does it usually take for you to get into that space? Well, it depends on the context of the relationship, the length of the relationship, like if it was a three week relationship versus a three year relationship and you lived together, obviously there's going to be differences.

00:05:27:06 - 00:05:46:14
Thais
But as a general rule, we see that the day when they go through a disconnect, sort of feel like I have a relief from my fears and they sort of feel better or a little bit of relief at first from those fears that were really plaguing them and showing up for them. And the thing that's really important to note, right, is that that relationships will continue to push on those fears.

00:05:46:16 - 00:06:08:08
Thais
The solving of the problem is not to avoid relationships, but to reprogram the fears. Right. And so I'm sure you guys know from watching this channel and the different sort of attachment style dynamics and what's important to pay attention to, but and how reprograming is what heals us and helps us become secure. Like you're not born with your attachments out, develops through programing, and we can use those same principles to reprogram.

00:06:08:10 - 00:06:26:17
Thais
But the doesn't know that, right? They don't know. Like they just feel their feelings and that feels like their truth, right? Their reality. And it is their truth. It's letting them know what scares them, but not because of the external person and situation, but because of their internal sort. Associations and programs from past experiences that that person is bringing up catalyzing.

00:06:26:19 - 00:06:31:05
Thais
So our emotions are always giving us perfect feedback, but not always about the things that we think.

00:06:32:17 - 00:06:46:19
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00:06:48:07 - 00:06:56:08
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00:06:57:19 - 00:07:18:08
Thais
So anyways, how long until ADT starts to feel their feelings more than their fears will usually they start to feel their feelings more than their fears around the four week mark earliest, usually closer to the six week mark, but it can really go all the way up to three months, and that time period is going to be largely correlated with how much their feelings were showing up at the surface and for how long.

00:07:18:08 - 00:07:37:16
Thais
Right. As if they were starting to associate the whole relationship with their fears for eight months and then finally decide to leave the relationship versus for the past two weeks. And there was an abrupt exit. Right. So so you're going to see like and how big were those commitment fears? Was it just about being vulnerable or was it about that you are about to buy a house together?

00:07:37:16 - 00:07:56:19
Thais
Right. So so you'll see this like sort of general space where they kind of like numb out of their fears or the fear sort of like died down because they're not being poked and catalyzed. And now they're like aware of their feelings again. So if you're in this situation, it's super important that, you know, you don't use this information to like, manipulate somebody, go no contact just to get them to come back.

00:07:56:19 - 00:08:17:05
Thais
And then try to start again. Like you're going to have to you can use this information to do what's right for the relationship, to understand and respect that this person's going through their stuff. But in that space that you have there, you want to be checking in with your feelings, your needs, your boundaries, you doing the healing work, you showing up, and then you proceeding to honor those boundaries, to honor those needs.

00:08:17:05 - 00:08:33:15
Thais
And if the person does come back and you keep that space and you keep that boundary is an option or an opportunity, I guess, for your own healing and growth, that's powerful, that's healthy, that's you healing and showing up for you. And then if the person does come back, there has to be a conversation where you say like, look, here's what I think is going on.

00:08:33:17 - 00:08:51:19
Thais
Here's what I suggest we do, but we can't go if we're going to maybe reconnect and the needle starts to move in the momentum building, We can do a separate video if you guys want. Let me know in the comments below about what to do in these situations right. Like what to do when this person sort of reemerges and how to know if they're ready and how to approach the relationship.

00:08:51:19 - 00:09:08:24
Thais
Question again, do you want to get back together? And if so, when do you do that? And you know, because there's a lot in there that we can discuss, but as a general rule, what happens is there has to be a discussion, usually going to have to let the momentum build a little bit first and have a discussion about what takes place next.

00:09:08:24 - 00:09:34:22
Thais
How can we not repeat these same patterns if we're going to think about reconnecting? What were our problems that were pain points? What where if here is what we're what our boundaries going forward so we just don't get back into a relationship, then repeat the same dynamic all over again. So there has to be some really conscious discussion about that and that's going to be a really important part of reparation.