00;00;00;00 - 00;00;33;27
Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host, Thias Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

00;00;44;03 - 00;01;08;20
Thais
Recently been in a conflict with a fearful, avoidant attachment style, and you're wondering how to break through it and maybe even more importantly, how to reconnect so that this conflict you're currently in is not going to tear your relationship apart. Well, whether you were the loved one of a fearful, avoidant or fearful avoidant yourself who's wanting to understand what you need to better move through a conflict to feel properly resolved.

00;01;08;23 - 00;01;36;03
Thais
We are going to talk about a really powerful three step solution to get you out of a painful, conflict oriented space and into a space of bonding, reconnecting, and keeping the spark alive in your relationship. What you really want to start by understanding is how fearful avoidant is experiencing conflict itself. You know, we sort of have this tool or this framework we can use for how to thrive, even when there's been a conflict with a fearful of what an attachment sound.

00;01;36;03 - 00;01;56;23
Thais
And there's a few things you just need to know and understand about fearful avoidants. First, fearful avoidants are much more sensitive than you would think. Part of why they can be very tough or a little bit fiery is because they have such inner sensitivity, but they don't know how to communicate their needs and they their own sensitivity kind of makes them feel unsafe.

00;01;56;23 - 00;02;19;24
Thais
They don't generally feel great about being too vulnerable, about, you know, sharing too openly with people. It's almost like fearful avoidants are really good at being vulnerable about the things they don't actually feel vulnerable about. But if there's something that they truly feel vulnerable about, they tend to kind of withdraw and forth back. And so when we're looking at how conflict affects approval, what are some really important things to understand?

00;02;19;27 - 00;02;46;00
Thais
You know, if your fluids have a lot of core wounds and basically what our core wounds are are when we have unresolved painful past experiences and when we don't know how to resolve them or heal from them, they become these kind of imprints, if you will, at the subconscious level of mind. And what I mean by this is they become these sort of assumptions we make about ourselves or others because of painful past experiences that we tend to keep with us and we keep projecting out onto the world.

00;02;46;00 - 00;03;12;12
Thais
So really obvious example here would be if somebody was betrayed in a previous relationship, maybe there was cheating or infidelity that can imprint and then that person and their next relationship may project that outwards and say, well, people are always going to end up cheating and they kind of assume this. And this is really our baggage, right? Our core wounds are essentially our baggage just in an actual more clinical distilled format in terms of how we can understand them.

00;03;12;14 - 00;03;34;18
Thais
And a lot of the things that fearful ones tend to take really strongly to heart our core wounds around feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood the other core wounds where they can fear betrayal, they can fear being trapped or helpless or powerless. And so what ends up taking place is they're carrying these fears and these wounds into their relationships. And when there's a conflict, they tend to assume these things.

00;03;34;18 - 00;03;40;29
Thais
They tend to kind of re project out these painful potential outcomes, which obviously makes a conflict much harder to navigate.

00;03;42;26 - 00;03;56;28
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00;03;57;11 - 00;04;05;15
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00;04;08;15 - 00;04;26;14
Thais
Another thing is that people would imagine they're more sensitive than you think they really tend to struggle and be hurt by things much more than they will let on. And part of why they don't let on is because they are scared of being vulnerable and they also struggle to communicate their needs.

00;04;26;16 - 00;04;41;25
Thais
You know, once people wouldn't understand the concept of communicating needs, they can show up really well for this. But prior to that, they often will kind of keep people at arm's length, won't let people in, will kind of avoid communicating their needs to others in the relationships around them. So what do we do? Well, there are three things.

00;04;41;25 - 00;05;07;09
Thais
Fearful avoidants, very much need to not just resolve a conflict and get out of the conflict itself and back into harmony and connection in the relationship. But often when you give a fearful, avoidant attachments, all these things, and if you are the verbal witness saying these are really important things to recognize that you need in order to feel resolved after an argument, these things will help you actually feel more connected often than you were before.

00;05;07;11 - 00;05;29;29
Thais
So the first thing that fearful avoidants really need is they need their feelings to be validated. And what I mean by this is they need somebody to hear where they're coming from. You can disagree with somebody's behavior, but still validate their feelings. So an example of this could be, let's say the fear of wouldn't becomes critical. You might say, look, you know, I understand that you were hurt and angry when when we were in the argument, I get why you're hurt.

00;05;29;29 - 00;05;46;11
Thais
I understand why you're upset. It makes sense that my behavior affected you. It's still not okay to be critical back. I need us to work on that. But I see where you were hurt. And I understand where your emotions were coming from. You don't even have to make it as long winded as that. Right? I'm kind of, like, over explaining things for the sake of the video.

00;05;46;11 - 00;06;07;11
Thais
You can just say to somebody, I get why you're hurt. I get why you're upset if you don't understand, don't be afraid to ask. Okay? Do we register? Well, why are you hurt? What's going on for you? But validating their feelings helps them feel seen, heard more connected, and it helps them get off of this, like, kind of perceptual dynamic of thinking that we're enemies and back into a space where they're going, okay, we're on the same page.

00;06;07;11 - 00;06;32;28
Thais
You're hearing me out. Okay? I'm the setting thing that's really, really big. And this goes a very, very long way is to discuss needs. Okay, so what do you need to feel resolved? What do you need so that this doesn't happen again in the future? So discussing needs and this may be, you know, let's say you're arguing about, you know, not being connected enough in the relationship and they're saying you're not spending enough time in the relationship.

00;06;33;00 - 00;06;53;22
Thais
You you know, the clear need would be more quality time together. So you want to actually discuss the needs, talk about what do you need to feel resolved, so calm. And that's a really important question for both parties in an argument to be asking. Right. This isn't supposed to be like a one way dynamic. These are things that people wouldn't needs, but there's things that every different attachment style needs when we're trying to resolve an argument that actually has to be two ways.

00;06;53;23 - 00;07;13;10
Thais
And last but not least, and I will say really quick before I share this last piece here, if you want to do a much deeper dive into this whole topic all about conflict communication with a fearful avoid and have a course specifically for that, all about how to communicate and solve problems and repair any relationship. We talk about the different attachment styles and that how to repair any relationship course.

00;07;13;13 - 00;07;37;17
Thais
We really cover communication. What each attachment style needs, how we can move the needle. So we need to discuss the need. And last but not least, we need. This is so important of your points strategies to prevent this from happening in the future. And what I mean by this is it's like let's say that somebody tells a white lie because they were insecure.

00;07;37;17 - 00;07;53;00
Thais
And that's something that really triggered the fearful, avoid it and they're upset and you're trying to solve for it. You know, an example of a strategy to prevent that from happening in the future is to work on your own vulnerability so you don't feel like you have to cover things up in order to feel secure, Right. To actually practice letting people in as well.

00;07;53;03 - 00;08;16;02
Thais
You want to basically have a strategy that deals with the root cause so that you can be in a position where you're addressing something, but you're able to deeply go into like how we can stop this from happening again. Period. Right. If there's inconsistency in the relationship, you know, we'll actually try to have times that we generally see each other throughout the week or generally talk on the phone, like how can we actually schedule or organize things?

00;08;16;02 - 00;08;37;16
Thais
We prevent the inconsistency from happening. So you're always trying to address as much as you can. The root cause in the relationship dynamic, fearful wouldn't feel a sense of safety and certainty through doing this, especially after their needs have been addressed and their feelings have been validated. And generally this is one of your flawed. Yeah, there was a conflict, but I feel even closer now than I did prior to the conflict.

00;08;37;16 - 00;08;48;12
Thais
Actually happening. And it can have a net benefit in the relationships.