00:00:10:18 - 00:00:23:15
Thais Gibson
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.
My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected,
and find harmony fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

00:00:43:16 - 00:01:12:19
Thais
You have an avoidant person in your life who you really value the relationship with and finding yourself feeling almost desperate at times to really get seen or heard or be understood by your partner, but also be able to resolve conflict in a way that works for them too. Well, if this is something you're struggling with in today's video, we are going to talk about a really powerful three step solution with some bonus tips for how to thrive at communication with an avoidant partner and

00:01:12:19 - 00:01:21:00
Thais
if you stick around to the and we'll actually talk about a bit of an exercise we can go through together for how to really create this mastery in your communication patterns.

00:01:21:00 - 00:01:22:00
Thais
With this last one.

00:01:22:14 - 00:01:28:24
Thais
So what you'll see here is we're going to talk about this tool that you can use. It's kind of a three step tool that I would use a lot actually, with clients in

00:01:28:24 - 00:01:30:05
Thais
practice originally.

00:01:30:05 - 00:01:33:11
Thais
And my goal here for you is to be able to walk away

00:01:33:11 - 00:01:42:15
Thais
with a really clear understanding of how to thrive when in communication with somebody who has a totally different attachment style than you, but how to really make it not so difficult.

00:01:42:17 - 00:02:02:15
Thais
So a few things you need to know first about the dismissive avoidant. Dismissive avoidants tend to have a lot of conditioning in their childhood that basically shows to them everybody's responsible for themselves. So they tend to grow up in a situation where they think I'm responsible for my needs, you're responsible for yours. And every so often we'll come together and kind of connect in a relationship dynamic.

00:02:02:17 - 00:02:24:04
Thais
But the reality is that we're looking for interdependence in our healthy, secure relationships. Meaning, yes, I'm responsible for my own needs, but I can lean on you and I can receive support and love and care from you. And you are also responsible for your life. But you can lean on me and have you can receive support and care and love from me as well.

00:02:24:04 - 00:02:40:07
Thais
And healthy interdependency means that we can meet our own needs, but also get our needs met from others, and that there's a really healthy mastery and quite a good balance of both ends of that continuum. So, you know, dismissive avoidant because their conditioning was usually such that they were modeled

00:02:40:07 - 00:02:49:15
Thais
to, to live in this like hyper independent sort of upbringing where, you know, if they had an issue or something they were going through emotionally, they were basically taught, hey, you go take care of that over here.

00:02:49:15 - 00:03:14:22
Thais
I'm busy with my own stuff over here. And essentially the result of all of this, they grow up thinking everybody's supposed to just be responsible for themselves. So they miss that kind of interdependent piece and they land more in this hyper independent work or counter dependent dynamic instead, which of course, then we have this side of the continuum, which is codependency, which is this belief that, like I'm only going to meet my or I'm only going to meet your needs, you're only going to meet mine.

00:03:14:22 - 00:03:35:24
Thais
And we don't rely on ourselves at all. And there's tremendous amount of downsides for that because it creates a lot of resentment, the expectation of mind reading, etc.. But anyways, we really want that interdependent middle ground. Another thing you need to know when communicating to an avoidant is that they are easily wounded by criticism. They may not show this to you or share this with you outright, but they because they're so stoic, right.

00:03:35:24 - 00:03:37:05
Thais
They tend to really kind of keep

00:03:37:05 - 00:03:58:19
Thais
their emotions to themselves, but they really do take criticism largely to heart. They tend to personalize it. It cuts deep for them. And this causes them to often pull away if they're feeling criticized in a relationship. And they also get into this space of learned helplessness, communication. They often believe things like, I'm just not capable, I'm not cut out for this kind of thing.

00:03:58:19 - 00:04:22:02
Thais
Maybe relationships aren't for me, and it really represents that they're in a space where they don't feel like they know what to do, but they don't know what to do instead. And it's almost like, Have you ever had an experience of wanting a goal for yourself? You know, maybe you have like a career goal, but you don't know how to get there, so you find yourself not taking action and then maybe even just telling a story, like maybe that's not for me, maybe that's not the right career.

00:04:22:04 - 00:04:37:21
Thais
Dismissible point Sometimes get into that line of thinking with relationships where they'll be like, I don't know how to do what this person's asking or how to meet their needs. So maybe relationships just aren't for me, but they often don't realize that they're just kind of the unknowns in here where they don't have the steps

00:04:37:21 - 00:04:41:04
Thais
or the modeling to be able to communicate and work through problems.

00:04:41:06 - 00:04:58:24
Thais
So when it comes to really wanting to thrive at communication, these three steps may sound pretty easy and small, but they make a massive, massive impact. But you have to be good at them and consistent at them. So they have to be this actual like application. You show up and you do. I'm going to give you some examples of each of these.

00:04:58:24 - 00:05:05:00
Thais
So the first thing is when you need something to communicate directly and in the positive, right,

00:05:05:00 - 00:05:20:24
Thais
think of the difference between you never ABC like you never spend enough time with me. You never text me back, you never show up, you never care enough about me versus I love spending time with you. You know, I really enjoy our time together.

00:05:21:01 - 00:05:33:15
Thais
I'd love to hang out more often. Obviously you think I love spending time with you is going to matter. Like how far you are in the relationship. Are you like a year in two years in or are you like three weeks? And you may be like, Hey, I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I'd love to spend more time together.

00:05:33:15 - 00:05:56:19
Thais
Let's plan a fun date night this week, right? So you want to communicate in the positive. I love I like, I really enjoy and we do More of that is something that actually subverts this part here that they tend to be wounded by criticism. You may think that saying something like you never spend enough time with me isn't that critical, But avoidants take this as criticism.

00:05:56:19 - 00:06:25:01
Thais
They really take this kind of communication to heart and it can also trigger this part where then they feel like, I'm helpless. Like I don't know if I'm able to give this person what they need. And so they may kind of pull away more and more so by saying things like, I would love for us to I like when we I appreciate and want to do more of you and then fill in the blank after you're actually able to communicate in a way that's not going to be blocked off by these two earlier challenges.

00:06:25:01 - 00:06:59:01
Thais
That avoidant's often experience. Another big thing that really taps into this learned helplessness part where it's kind of this confusion because they weren't modeled a lot of these like give and exchange interdependent ways of communicating and connecting growing up is to give really clear and specific examples. So, you know, if you tell somebody and I would do this all the time in my client practice, I say this all the time, probably almost channel as well, but I would often see a couple, let's say, for example, the first example that comes to mind is the husband and wife that came in one week and they were there to work on their attachment issues and she was anxious, he was dismissive avoidant, and she's got I need more support in the relationship. So they left. They went home. They came back the next week and she couldn't wait to sit down and say, my husband didn't support me at all. This week, even though we said that he would. And the look on his face when she said that was like he was so shocked.

00:07:17:15 - 00:07:31:14
Thais
And you could tell he was like really frustrated. And he was like, What do you mean? Like, I did all the chores I took out the garbage, I did the laundry, and he starts reciting of all these things and you could see her kind of like adjusting. And she went,

00:07:31:14 - 00:07:37:16
Thais
well, for me, support isn't chores. For me, support is like validation and encouragement.

00:07:37:18 - 00:08:00:07
Thais
And so, you know, when we don't communicate clearly and specifically, it's not even just that there can be a learned helplessness part on the side, but it's sometimes bit like what you need and what you would classify as something a need being that like support may actually have the person in the relationship with you may have a totally different relationship to that need and how they perceive it being met.

00:08:00:09 - 00:08:09:00
Thais
So it's really important that you give specific, tangible examples and even try to paint a picture of what that would look like. So, you know, I really want more support.

00:08:09:00 - 00:08:18:23
Thais
You may start off by saying I really love where this is going. I notice that when I get support from you, it's really meaningful. I would love more of that in our relationship.

00:08:19:00 - 00:08:33:06
Thais
And then you would say, For me, support looks like a C, right? For me, support looks like validation, affirmation, encouragement. And you don't have to come up with three things. You can just say. One, you can say, for me, support is reassurance or validation,

00:08:33:06 - 00:08:36:22
Thais
or if it's, you know, chores and things around the house, you would say that.

00:08:38:03 - 00:08:52:05
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00:08:52:16 - 00:09:00:17
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00:09:02:17 - 00:09:09:10
Thais
part C here is to see your needs through. And what do we mean by see your needs through? Well, I think that it's very easy when we're not used to communicating our needs.

00:09:09:10 - 00:09:17:05
Thais
I think that because we told somebody in need once that they have to remember forever and it's a really self-defeating belief.

00:09:17:05 - 00:09:18:00
Thais
know, you may think,

00:09:18:00 - 00:09:36:17
Thais
I told this person once that I wanted to spend more quality time. Maybe you saw a positive moving of the needle where there was an impact on quality time and there was more quality time spent for 3 to 6 weeks, and then the collisions are dropping back down and you may say, I'm never seeing that I need quality time again.

00:09:36:17 - 00:10:03:12
Thais
They should always remember if they care about me, if they love me. But the actual reality is that all of our programing is different based on our individual and unique attachment styles. We tend to expect different things in relationships, like how much time we should spend together. We have different needs. We have a different sort of viewpoint and perception that's preconditioned in us subconsciously from what we saw in our upbringing and how that affected each of our own unique attachment dynamics

00:10:03:12 - 00:10:07:07
Thais
from that perception, we expect different things from people.

00:10:07:07 - 00:10:12:15
Thais
We think that relationship should look different from each other. So it's actually not

00:10:12:15 - 00:10:29:05
Thais
a normal thing. Not normal. It's not the it's not expected, it's not possible, I guess I would say, for somebody to be in a position where like because they hear your need ones, that they're going to naturally remember it forever. Yes. Some people are really good at stuff like this.

00:10:29:05 - 00:10:48:02
Thais
They can really double down, but more time passes, we're more likely to revert back to our old programs and perceptions for what we think a relationship should look like based on how we were conditioned and what our attachment style is. So if you share a need and then you see the person not showing up as much after a while, you have to see your needs through.

00:10:48:02 - 00:11:08:02
Thais
It's the only way that this conditioning changes is through. Repetition is how the subconscious gets reprogramed. So if an avoidant they're conditioning might be to think that somebody in a loving relationship sees each other once a week and maybe twice a week as your bare minimum, maybe you communicate that you see each other twice a week for 6 to 8 weeks.

00:11:08:02 - 00:11:27:02
Thais
Everything is going well, but then it starts drifting back to once a week. You have to actually show up and repeat, Hey, remember twice weeks, really important to me. And there's obviously a big difference if somebody you know, you have that conversation the first time and they say, I'm unwilling to try anything for you in the relationship and they never try to see you more than once a week.

00:11:27:04 - 00:11:54:04
Thais
Obviously, that's a different discussion. That may be like getting compatibility issues, somebody who's not willing to compromise, that can make them like really unavailable for the type of relationship you are looking for. But when we're seeing progress, we're seeing the needle move, we're seeing the effort, but then we see every so often it starts moving backwards. We just have to push through, communicate again, and it's how we'll keep that momentum until that becomes the new normal, because that person naturally sees and understands that about us and the relationship.

00:11:54:07 - 00:12:13:23
Thais
And through repetition over time, their perception of what they know or expect the relationship to look like will change out of what it was from their childhood conditioning. So hopefully that makes sense. That's a really important thing and if you feel scared to to share your needs again, then you may want to work through your own queer wounds around vulnerability, right?

00:12:14:01 - 00:12:27:19
Thais
no, I'm a bird. And if I share my needs or I know I'll be abandoned if I share my needs or take up too much space or I'm unloved. If somebody doesn't remember my needs forever, these can just be core wounds that are from our own individual traumas and pain points

00:12:27:19 - 00:12:34:02
Thais
that we're projecting onto these situations. Another couple of things in here is that we really need to make sure

00:12:34:02 - 00:12:34:13
Thais
that

00:12:34:13 - 00:12:39:18
Thais
when you're in a position and I sort of put this in here as well in that context, but when you're in a position where you're

00:12:39:18 - 00:12:45:03
Thais
you're seeing and it wouldn't be triggered by something, if you do see this in communication as a whole,

00:12:45:05 - 00:13:06:12
Thais
then when they are triggered, it can be useful to say, Hey, I get why you're upset. I see where you're coming from to just validate their feelings. They don't like to have their feelings validated too directly. Like, I see that you're so sad because it feels too vulnerable and they're trying to avoid that vulnerability, But it can be meaningful to hear like, Hey, I get that that didn't land well for you, or I understand that that's uncomfortable.

00:13:06:14 - 00:13:27:11
Thais
You know, things like that. If you're in a conflict, it actually helps an avoidant feel more seen, more emotionally safe. They tend to move ahead in this sort of dynamic as a result of feeling more emotionally safe, even though you may not notice instantaneous as they when you do it. Having these as patterns in conflict situations, in a relationship with an avoidant people a very long way.

00:13:27:13 - 00:13:35:24
Thais
And the last thing I'll say here is if you're getting stonewalled by an avoidant, call it out. You know, you have to address that. You can just like walk on eggshells around it and go,

00:13:35:24 - 00:13:48:07
Thais
it's fine that I'm being stonewalled. Sometimes I'll be right. It's not a good coping mechanism, but we have to do it kindly. So, you know, if if that happened to me, for example, and I was being stonewalled, what I would do is I would say to be avoided directly.

00:13:48:07 - 00:14:04:15
Thais
I would say, Hey, you know, I really want to resolve the conflict that we're in. I feel like you're kind of icing me out. And I understand you might need space. I respect that. But I also need to know that you're going to come back and be willing to have a conversation in a healthy way where we can work through it when you're ready.

00:14:04:17 - 00:14:20:00
Thais
Does that make sense for you and are you on board? And that way I'm calling it out. I'm saying it's not okay. You know, we need to have a healthy conversation. I'm not going to pressure you to do it in this very second on my time. Only I can be considerate to your time, too. But I need to know what's going to happen in a reasonable amount of time.

00:14:20:00 - 00:14:33:16
Thais
Right. So we need to have that balance. And that's a secure approach to this. It's healthy assertiveness. That's really what healthy assertiveness is. So hopefully this will give you some really powerful tools for how to thrive in communication with an avoidant.