00:00:10:18 - 00:00:23:15
Thais Gibson
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.

My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

00:00:44:08 - 00:01:15:07
Thais
Do you ever experienced being in an argument or conflict with somebody and wanting them so badly to understand why you're hurt or what emotions you're experiencing only for it to really feel like it's falling on deaf ears or it's shut down, dismissed, or totally misunderstood by that very same person. Well, if this sounds like you and something you often experience, it is quite possible that you're dating and avoid an attachment style, an intimate video.

00:01:15:07 - 00:01:41:07
Thais
We're going to talk about exactly what that is. And we're also going to talk about why dismissive avoidant attachment style struggle to acknowledge your pain. And if you stick around to the end, we will cover three really crucial steps that you can take that will help transform the situation once and for all. So that you can be better understood, seen and heard, and have your emotions more effectively acknowledged by your loved one.

00:01:41:16 - 00:01:45:12
Thais
First and foremost, sometimes after a dismissive avoidant

00:01:45:12 - 00:01:54:19
Thais
has done something that accidentally hurt a partner or a loved one, they may really deflect. And this can look like you bringing to their attention, Hey,

00:01:54:19 - 00:02:09:09
Thais
you know, this experience hurt me or that hurt my feelings. And they may make a joke. They may kind of brush it under the rug or sort of shrug it off or try and do something that's designed and to make light of the situation.

00:02:09:12 - 00:02:31:22
Thais
Now, from the dismissible board perspective, they're trying to avoid conflict and they're feeling afraid. But this isn't something that's in their own conscious awareness. It's like this sort of subconscious coping mechanism that's automatic and and not a premeditated behavior. But on the receiving end, when you go to somebody with something important and they deflected or shrug it off, it can feel really hurtful and rejecting.

00:02:31:24 - 00:02:34:23
Thais
And so this is something really important to pay attention to.
pattern number two, that is dismissive avoidants  might do is avoid the situation altogether. And this can look like you bring something up over text them, not answering them, just totally texting you back about a completely separate topic later on.

00:02:49:00 - 00:03:14:23
Thais
Or this can be sort of avoiding a conversation, changing the subject and really just having this strong avoidance strategy in that situation. Now, again, that can feel really hurtful, really rejecting, really painful if you're the one on the receiving end of that conversation, especially when you're trying to bring something vulnerable to somebody else's attention or awareness as the day they often haven't had any healthy communication model to them.

00:03:14:23 - 00:03:36:11
Thais
So they usually didn't have parents or caregivers that like worked through fights or arguments. They usually didn't have an upbringing where they were taught to negotiate their needs or to validate each other's feelings or to notice how their behavior affects another person. And whenever there's neglect, there's usually an absence of these things being taught in any sort of real, tangible way.

00:03:36:13 - 00:03:47:17
Thais
And as a result, when a dismissive avoidant is in that state or somebody is bringing something to their attention, it's quite common that somebody who's not working on themselves or doesn't have this awareness about themselves. A day

00:03:47:17 - 00:03:57:18
Thais
may just avoid the situation altogether because they're kind of entering into a state of learned helplessness. And what essentially happens is they're like, okay, there's a conflict or there's a problem.

00:03:57:22 - 00:04:29:08
Thais
I don't know what to do. I'm just going to like pull away from the situation because I'm not sure how to navigate it. And all I know is it makes me feel uncomfortable and our brain is literally wired to avoid discomfort. And this can be this sort of like automatic or autopilot coping mechanism. The day has begun. It can be really painful and challenging to be on the receiving end of that, because when you go to somebody and you want to open your heart and share something personal or vulnerable, or let somebody know like, Hey, I would love for you to see how this situation affects me so we could stop it.

00:04:29:10 - 00:04:36:03
Thais
It feels like you're kind of helpless in the situation to move the needle, to see any positive changes, to work through something.

00:04:36:03 - 00:04:40:08
Thais
can feel really disempowering to the depth of connection of the relationship.

00:04:40:08 - 00:04:44:06
Thais
Number three, we may see a deer get defensive

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Thais
and this can be something again, leaving the same type of impact, the same type of result to relationships. They may get defensive, and usually when somebody is defensive, they're not really present, right?

00:04:53:19 - 00:05:01:22
Thais
They're not really hearing you. And again, that defensiveness is like because dogs are modeled, emotional neglect.

00:05:01:22 - 00:05:17:07
Thais
There's this concept or really it's like a subconscious believe a lot of dogs carry. And it's like everybody's just responsible for their own feelings and needs. Nobody's responsible for each other. Why do they believe this? Because that was what they were taught by proxy in their experiences growing up.

00:05:17:11 - 00:05:23:23
Thais
Like that was what was modeled to them. And modeling behavioral modeling, like what we're shown over and over again

00:05:23:23 - 00:05:40:01
Thais
programs us and especially those programs tend to run a lot deeper in childhood. So sometimes when like, imagine you're a day, right, and you believe everybody's responsible for their own staff, and then somebody comes in and says, Hey, your stuff is affecting my stuff.

00:05:40:03 - 00:06:04:22
Thais
It goes against their belief system and it can cause them to feel like, flustered or frustrated. They can feel like, Hey, why are you putting this on me? That's not mine, that's yours. And it's not. And what they're modeling is, is like a counter dependent or like really independent relationship rather than interdependent. And so to a day when somebody says, Hey, you're hurting my stuff,

00:06:04:22 - 00:06:07:20
Thais
it feels like you're expecting codependency from me.

00:06:07:22 - 00:06:30:04
Thais
But what they're not noticing is, actually, no, I can be responsible for my stuff, too. But I wanted to let you know so that we can work on this together and that's more like healthy, interdependent behavior. But often days are more on this end of the continuum, and they have to have the knowledge and the learning and will to understand and then so that they can move into interdependent waters.

00:06:30:10 - 00:06:38:07
Thais
And part of that as well is also reprograming the belief that says everybody's just out for themselves and instead learning that

00:06:38:07 - 00:06:55:15
Thais
part of like close relationships means, you know, we're each responsible for our own feelings and our own actions and behaviors, but we can also acknowledge how we could affect somebody else and we can have their back and look out for those things and be mindful of those things in our relationships together with that person that we love or care about.

00:06:55:17 - 00:06:59:16
Thais
And that's part of like what creates that energy dependency long term.

00:07:01:13 - 00:07:32:18
Speaker 1
I just wanted to jump in and share something exciting. We are actually, for the first time ever, running a promotion for 60% off of your first month at the Personal Development School. And this gives you access to all of our courses, including all of the courses about different attachment styles and how to navigate those relationships together. So, for example, if you're flamboyant with a dismissive avoidant how to really work through that relationship, all the different challenges, how to show up, those of course, on boundaries, communication, healing your attachment style to becoming secure.

00:07:32:19 - 00:07:53:24
Speaker 1
So many different courses in there, but on top of that, I'm in there three days a week doing live webinars so you can come in as many questions that you have at any time and I will be there to support you and I'd love to chat with you. And we actually have trained coaches and facilitators who are in there all other days of the week except for Sunday, and there are community support events through them.

00:07:54:04 - 00:08:17:12
Speaker 1
There are webinars with them, smaller classes. So you have so much extra support in really integrating all of the materials and work in there. And I will say as excited I am about the YouTube video that we get to put out every single day just because of the length of the courses and content. They're so much better than our YouTube content because you can go into so much more depth that there's workbooks, worksheets and tons of support.

00:08:17:14 - 00:08:28:06
Speaker 1
So if you want to check it out and actually get 60% off of your first month for only $39 at the Personal development school, I will put a link to access that down below.

00:08:32:20 - 00:08:36:08
Thais
Another big one is we will see this massive avoidance

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Thais
stone wall or ice somebody else

00:08:39:00 - 00:08:41:14
Thais
when they're in a dynamic where they

00:08:41:14 - 00:08:48:23
Thais
feel like somebody is bringing something to their awareness, they can feel like, Nope, you're making this mine. And they can literally like pull back altogether.

00:08:48:23 - 00:09:12:00
Thais
They can sort of like shun somebody a little bit. They can shut down completely. Now, a lot of people on the receiving end of that whole feel like that's purposeful and it's like a punishing technique. And in my experience working with many, many clients over the years in couples counseling and different work with people, what I found the most is that that's not the case.

00:09:12:05 - 00:09:25:05
Thais
Of course, it can be in very specific situations, but I would say it's probably for a day like 1% of the time, and there may actually be like other dynamics going on there as well when that does fit the bill for 1%.

00:09:25:05 - 00:09:31:11
Thais
But oftentimes it's it does don't know how to communicate, don't know how to show up and work through things.

00:09:31:13 - 00:09:38:07
Thais
And so this is just them coping in this situation. Our experience by the way, I forgot to mention this earlier, but if you

00:09:38:07 - 00:09:51:04
Thais
are struggling to like, be hard to get through to somebody to make your relationship work, to like, change gear, it's like you feel like you're trying everything, but it's just not clicking. You're not seeing the needle move.

00:09:51:06 - 00:10:00:09
Thais
I have a really empowering course for this. It's called How to Repair any Relationship, and it really dials in on what the best type of relationship

00:10:00:09 - 00:10:10:03
Thais
will be for who you're working with, right? Like if you have a really challenging relationship with somebody, you may have more separation from that person and that can be your best version of that relationship.

00:10:10:03 - 00:10:31:13
Thais
Look, let's say you have a family member who is struggling with a personality disorder and they manipulate you a lot like you may want to have like a little bit of separation for that to be the best quality of the relationship or that best quality of the relationship. Maybe no contact, but it helps you define and understand according to your needs and boundaries what's right for you based on what that person's willing to put in.

00:10:31:15 - 00:10:59:10
Thais
And it also helps you go through all of the different dynamics to learn to work through conflict, learn to de-escalate problems and pain points, learn to foster healthier communication, and really learn to reconnect more deeply should that be the appropriate and healthy person to do that with and helps you define that and understand whether it is or not, and then do the work to really change gears on the relationship, to get it off the rocks and back into smooth sailing territory.

00:10:59:13 - 00:11:09:06
Thais
going back to this, like we'll see that the DEA will just stonewall somebody like I somebody out like really avoid. And most of the time it's not to be punishing. It's not to be mean.

00:11:09:06 - 00:11:13:21
Thais
It's to protect themselves. Because, again, they feel this sense of like, learned helplessness.

00:11:13:21 - 00:11:17:21
Thais
They feel afraid and they often feel really disempowered

00:11:17:21 - 00:11:22:10
Thais
in relationships and communication. And it can really keep them stuck

00:11:22:10 - 00:11:34:18
Thais
and it can keep them in a position where it's like, okay, well, I don't know what to do from here. So it's better to just push away the thing that's causing me pain. And last but not least, another unhealthy pattern of communication for the DEA will be to blame

00:11:34:18 - 00:11:39:16
Thais
the other person or the other person's behaviors or insecurities or fears.

00:11:39:18 - 00:11:45:11
Thais
This can be one of the most painful ones because it's like it feels like things are being shifted back around on you

00:11:45:11 - 00:11:59:00
Thais
when often you're trying to like, be approach oriented and resolve for something different. Much more rarely do this. They tend to do this when a relationship is like really on the rocks. And unfortunately, one of the big sponsoring causes for why dismissible would ensue.

00:11:59:00 - 00:12:23:24
Thais
This is because they don't know how to communicate. The fact that they don't feel like their needs are being met and they haven't learned how to, like, articulate their needs, share their needs, feel comfortable being vulnerable around their needs. And so they will feel a sense of a chip on their shoulder. Two for different things. And then when somebody comes to them and says, Hey, this is what's going on for me, rather than them being like, Hey, I also feel like I don't have needs, but I also feel like I have things that are going on for me.

00:12:24:01 - 00:12:28:19
Thais
They don't even necessarily consciously realize that. And so the way they acknowledge the

00:12:28:19 - 00:12:37:20
Thais
problem in the relationship will be to sort of put the onus back on the other person as well. And I can just feel like you're at such a standstill in that case or situation. So

00:12:37:20 - 00:12:46:06
Thais
if you are ready and you listen to this, I hope that this helped you really uncover maybe what's going on for you beneath the surface of any of these patterns of behavior.

00:12:46:06 - 00:13:19:03
Thais
Come up. I hope you can have compassion to yourself and understanding that like you didn't really get good modeling growing up. You didn't really get a lot of healthy behaviors shown to use. And no wonder you feel stuck or helpless or have unhealthy coping mechanisms. But it also help you hope. You can see with compassion to yourself how your behaviors can really affect other people and feel bad, especially when in healthy, interdependent relationships, people are naturally hoping to have this like a collaboration and looking out for each other and taking care of each other's feelings and needs.

00:13:19:05 - 00:13:40:12
Thais
And also, if you're on the receiving end of this as a partner everyday, something that's so important to be able to do is to ask this person to tell the difference of avoiding shame. I am not trying to make you feel bad. I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I'm trying to share with you something about me and an experience that I'm having so that we can work through this together.

00:13:40:14 - 00:13:59:22
Thais
And if you position it that way and then can and then the very next step that you take is to healthily communicate your needs in the positive as opposed to in criticism. It's so much more likely to be better received by a d.A. So like, if you need the day to take a turn doing chores, don't say you never do the chores.

00:13:59:22 - 00:14:18:07
Thais
I feel really frustrated about it. Same. I would love for you to do the laundry on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Like, give something really specific, give an expression of a need and a positive. Let them know you come in peace. You know I'm not here to cause a problem. I'm here to share with you something that's important to me that will help me feel understood and seen.

00:14:18:09 - 00:14:39:15
Thais
And at the end of our conversation, turn around and encourage the dismissive avoidant to do the same. Say, Hey, if you have a need for me, I want to know and I want to understand about it too. And I know that's how we are going to have each other's back and grow together in our relationship. But we both need to have that open chain of communication or line of communication with one another.