00:00:10:18 - 00:00:23:15
Thais Gibson
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.

My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

00:00:44:00 - 00:01:18:17
Thais
There are certain traits avoidant attachment style individuals are consistently the most attracted to in relationships romantically with others. And after having these discussions with thousands of different people at this point through the personal development school, through having a client base practice for the better part of a decade and through many workshops that are done with this important attachment styles, I can conclusively tell you they're the same repeating patterns that we will see over and over again.

00:01:18:19 - 00:01:40:08
Thais
Now, there's some really interesting reasons for what attract us at a subconscious level. And when we combine the science and psychology of attraction with the understanding of the avoidance in our world, you will learn exactly what this myth of avoidant attachment styles are attracted to in romantic dynamics.

00:01:40:10 - 00:02:12:21
Thais
So what kind of person is this type of personality or love style attracted to? So we have a few major traits to cover here. But first, I want you to know what drives attraction at the subconscious level. One of the biggest features that drives attraction at the subconscious level is people who express our repressed traits. In other words, if we tend to have some sort of trait that we're not in touch with, or if we've disowned this trait over time, then essentially what happens is we're really drawn to people who express that trait, especially if we have positive associations to that trait.

00:02:12:23 - 00:02:34:08
Thais
So I'll give you an example. Let's say that as a child, you grow up in a family where you don't feel like you can really get in the mix of communication because everybody's really loud and strong and over empowering or overpowering. And let's say as a result, you kind of feel shy and quiet and you sort of fade into the background because you're not sure how to deal with that type of environment.

00:02:34:10 - 00:02:56:16
Thais
Well, as a result of that, you might come to believe about yourself, that you're not very outgoing and that you're not very good at taking up the center of attention and taking up space. And so you might consider yourself a shy person and you may cope and deal with that overpowering environment by kind of withdrawing a little bit to sort of create space between yourself and that kind of environment.

00:02:56:18 - 00:03:16:05
Thais
And essentially in doing that, you disown a trait. You come to think that, okay, well, I'm I'm not that right. I'm having a hard time being that I'm not an outgoing person. And so what happens is you sort of disconnect from even trying to build that trait within yourself and it gets sort of buried into the depths of your subconscious mind.

00:03:16:07 - 00:03:38:03
Thais
Now, again, going back to this idea about attraction, one of the things that drives attraction the most is when people express your disowned path. And if we just look at that through a biological lens for a moment, what you'll see is, you know, from a survival perspective, if you were out trying to survive in the wild and you pair up with somebody who's really smart and you're really strong together, you have a better chance at surviving.

00:03:38:09 - 00:03:56:09
Thais
And so there's this idea or concept of trait variety that drives attraction. People who express your traits that you feel like are repressed and you're out of touch with, you tend to feel very drawn to. And there are two other major factors that also drive attraction. One thing is that we tend to be attracted to what's familiar to us.

00:03:56:11 - 00:04:09:03
Thais
And one of the biggest things that's familiar to us is people who treat us how we treat ourselves. So, for example, if you are constantly dismissing your needs, you actually may be really attracted to people who also dismiss your needs, believe it or not.

00:04:09:03 - 00:04:17:15
Thais
And then the third major factor is if people meet are unmet needs. Again, we have this this sort of form of chemistry or connection that can take place.

00:04:17:15 - 00:04:37:18
Thais
But for the sake of this video, I really want to focus on the trait variety part. And so this is we're going to hone in on the fact that, you know, emotionally unavailable people or dismissive avoidant attachment spouse, they tend to be attracted to people who are, number one, very supportive. And when people are very supportive towards them, they sort of look out for them.

00:04:37:18 - 00:04:43:08
Thais
They're emotionally available towards them. These different things, these this is we're putting this all under Category one here.

00:04:43:08 - 00:04:58:13
Thais
These tend to be things that really draw the dismissive, avoidant person in because they're attracted to their repressed parts. They tend to really struggle to be supportive in the relationship to themselves because they don't know what their emotions are, what they're feeling.

00:04:58:13 - 00:05:07:20
Thais
They're really out of touch with that. And so when somebody is really supportive emotionally to them in that way, it actually really draws them in in those initial and early stages of dating.

00:05:07:20 - 00:05:29:01
Thais
at the end we're going to talk about how the same things that we start off by being very attracted to in in our relationships and dating situations over time, unless we actually build trade harmony and we learn to integrate some of the traits that we're so drawn to in others, what ends up happening over time is those very same things we were initially attracted to cause the most resentment and detriment

00:05:29:01 - 00:05:34:14
Thais
to our relationships long term. So they tend to be the things that actually break us apart. We're going to get to that in a minute.

00:05:36:16 - 00:06:07:21
Speaker 1
I just wanted to jump in and share something exciting. We are actually, for the first time ever, running a promotion for 60% off of your first month at the Personal Development School. And this gives you access to all of our courses, including all of the courses about different attachment styles and how to navigate those relationships together. So, for example, if you're flamboyant with a dismissive avoidant how to really work through that relationship, all the different challenges, how to show up, those of course, on boundaries, communication, healing your attachment style to becoming secure.

00:06:07:22 - 00:06:29:02
Speaker 1
So many different courses in there, but on top of that, I'm in there three days a week doing live webinars so you can come in as many questions that you have at any time and I will be there to support you and I'd love to chat with you. And we actually have trained coaches and facilitators who are in there all other days of the week except for Sunday, and there are community support events through them.

00:06:29:07 - 00:06:52:15
Speaker 1
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00:06:52:17 - 00:07:03:09
Speaker 1
So if you want to check it out and actually get 60% off of your first month for only $39 at the Personal development school, I will put a link to access that down below.

00:07:07:22 - 00:07:23:06
Thais
So the first thing will say, emotional support of this. The second trait that tends to be very valuable and draws people in is that warmth, that sense of like warmth and caring. This because again, dismissive avoidant have kind of gone cold in the relationship to themselves.

00:07:23:06 - 00:07:37:16
Thais
So we go back to that idea of trait variety and us pairing up with people who have different traits expressed than us. That tends to really drive attraction. We tend to be really drawn into those different things, so you'll see that be another major factor.

00:07:37:16 - 00:08:05:05
Thais
the third major trait, that business of avoidance or emotionally unavailable people tend to be really attracted to is people who are selfless. Now, this often represents that dismissal avoidance kind of have this deep idea that everybody's out for themselves, that we have to be selfish to survive. And where this comes from is usually in their upbringing, what was modeled to them is that everybody was out for themselves emotionally and that we couldn't really lean on each other emotionally for support or care.

00:08:05:05 - 00:08:22:21
Thais
And so they tend to have this belief. And then when they see somebody model to them something other than not people who are thoughtful and considerate and selfless, it tends to really draw them in again, because it's these things that they've been missing. And this part of themselves, they've they've really just connected from. And so here's where it gets really interesting.

00:08:22:21 - 00:08:31:04
Thais
And it's that when we are attracted to things in other people, those initial things that we are so drawn into

00:08:31:04 - 00:08:56:00
Thais
specifically traits, if we don't learn to have healthy trait integration, to start expressing these traits in relationship to ourselves and actually build these traits up in ourselves, the very traits that we are attracted to in others will eventually take a turn for the worst, because wherever we don't have a healthy trait integration, what actually happens is we go through this cycle of infatuation and being like, Whoa, I'm so excited and drawn to this trait and it's so attractive.

00:08:56:02 - 00:09:21:22
Thais
And then eventually it actually turns into very deep frustration, anger, resentment, all these different things. I want you to watch this for a second. So let's say, for example, that you are at first attracted to somebody who's very selfless. Okay, Let's say you are the dismissive, avoidant or emotionally unavailable person you're really attracted to. The selflessness in others will very later on, especially when we hit the power struggle stage of dating and relationships.

00:09:22:03 - 00:09:42:06
Thais
What we see is that that very initial thing that that selflessness tends to be something that drives a dismissive avoidant crazy. They tend to feel like, Hey, just focus on yourself, take care of yourself, and I'm taking care of myself. And sometimes they actually come to perceive that initial attraction of selflessness as something that makes them feel

00:09:42:06 - 00:09:44:23
Thais
like their boundaries are infringed upon.

00:09:45:00 - 00:10:04:19
Thais
Sometimes they feel like you're you are acting selfless, but then you feel like I owe you later on. And they get upset or triggered about that. And you'll actually see this with every single attachment style, often anxious, preoccupied, or so attracted to maybe the laid back ness of the dismissive avoidant. But then later on they're like, Hey, this laid back and it's you not trying in the relationship.

00:10:04:19 - 00:10:35:04
Thais
And it's so frustrating. And that's what they end up becoming resentful around. Or used to find yourself being attracted to somebody who's kind of like freedom seeking and fun loving. Maybe later on you feel like they're not taking the relationship seriously enough. So these initial things that you see that you're really drawn into in that initial attraction phase, if you don't learn to integrate these traits healthily within yourself, it actually translates into these initial things that you're drawn to are going to sort of like be your Achilles heel in relationships later.

00:10:35:10 - 00:11:01:23
Thais
So it's really important and valuable to pay attention to these different things and to learn to integrate traits. And what I mean by that is that we have to come up with strategies to healthily learn to be these things in the relationship to ourselves. So for a dismissive avoidant, they need to learn to be supportive and warm and healthy in the relationship to others because to themselves, because that translates into them being emotionally available in their relationship to others.

00:11:02:02 - 00:11:19:18
Thais
But if they don't have that, eventually what they'll feel instead is the support of ness and warmth that I'm getting from other people is making me feel overwhelmed. It's making me feel like somebody is getting too close to me. I feel too vulnerable. And if I don't have that emotional bandwidth to sustain it originally, it's attractive and later on it scares me.

00:11:19:20 - 00:11:22:14
Thais
And so you'll see how these different cycles unfold.