00:00:10:18 - 00:00:23:15
Thais Gibson
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your hostThais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.
My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.
So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

00:00:44:08 - 00:01:13:16
Thais Gibson
Have you ever wondered what a fearful, avoidant attachment style is really looking for in a relationship? Behind the hot and cold pattern, the behavior and even the mixed messages that fearful avoidant attachment styles often give off their are actually really powerful traits and needs that fearful avoidants are secretly looking for, even if they're not communicating. And in today's video, we're going to embark on exploring exactly that.

00:01:13:18 - 00:01:35:23
Thais Gibson
Those very detailed and often hidden needs that the fearful avoidant may not be sharing outwardly. And this can be useful if you are fearful avoidant looking to gain deeper insight into yourself, but especially if you are the loved one partner or dating of fearful avoidant attachments now trying to deeply understand them when they can often be giving mixed signals.

00:01:35:23 - 00:01:59:02
Thais Gibson
If you are if you're away and listening to this, these will be some really important things to keep in mind and just consider about yourself and really how your needs revolve around romantic relationships and connection and what's really important to you. And if you are the loved one, if you're avoidant really understanding what the major needs are of your fluid in attachment style and then be able to tap into these needs is very valuable.

00:01:59:02 - 00:02:01:12
Thais Gibson
when we are connecting,

00:02:01:12 - 00:02:19:08
Thais Gibson
the job is not ever for you. If you're the loved one of any attachment style to do backflips and run through an obstacle course and turn yourself into something you're not in order to connect with them, the best thing you can do is educate yourself and get clear and and learn about how to best connect with somebody of a different attachment style.

00:02:19:08 - 00:02:41:07
Thais Gibson
And then see like from the material, you're learning how you can best see yourself wanting to fit into different needs that they have and show up for those things while taking yourself and your needs into consideration. So for example, if one of the big needs for a fearful avoidant is growth and fearful one's really value growing together in a relationship.

00:02:41:09 - 00:03:04:06
Thais Gibson
If you hate growth and like just theoretically, of course, if you hate growth and you just want stability and security and growing too much as something that that feels super uncomfortable, don't become something that goes against your self. Instead, if you realize that growth is something that doesn't really float your boat and instead, you know, emotional connection is an emotional depth is and that's another one of their needs.

00:03:04:08 - 00:03:26:12
Thais Gibson
Meet the needs that you see yourself feeling excited to meet double down on those things and take yourself and your boundaries and your needs into consideration in the process. And every relationship. Each person is supposed to be 100% accountable for their 50% of the relationship. So, you know, it shouldn't ever be that you just meet the other person that needs without also communicating your own.

00:03:26:13 - 00:03:48:22
Thais Gibson
So I just wanted to put that all out there first and foremost. And then in this version of the video, and I'll be doing a series about this for how to deeply connect with if you're fluid in attachment style. And today in this snippet of this version, we're going to talk about the needs of the fearful avoidant attachment style will have other parts of this that talk about how to bypass the court wounds, how to really understand a little bit of their emotional patterns.

00:03:49:05 - 00:04:08:07
Thais Gibson
So this part of it, we're going to just talk about the needs and you can think of your needs in a relationship as the components of a relationship that allow it to sustain itself. So just like the body has specific needs to survive, you know, it has to drink water, you know, it has to breathe air. Like we have these like a lifeblood kind of needs for survival.

00:04:08:09 - 00:04:33:13
Thais Gibson
A relationship in its own way also has things that have to sustain it. Right. So the fearful avoidant attachment style has these really strong needs. And if these needs are not met and if they're withdrawn instead, then generally it's kind of like like a human being without air, like without oxygen, it's very difficult to sustain. So when we think of a relationship as a whole, it's almost like it's own like organism, right?

00:04:33:13 - 00:04:51:23
Thais Gibson
It's like there's these sort of like giving and receiving of needs. That's so much of how the relationship stays alive and thriving and empowered. And as soon as one half of the relationship doesn't have their needs met, it's almost like you're like choking the oxygen from the person, right? It's like it really makes it difficult to stay in that space of thriving.

00:04:52:00 - 00:05:09:15
Thais Gibson
So we're going to talk about 11 different needs that are really important, make kind of 12 with a bonus and, you know, you can sort of tap in here and we're not going to just talk about how to meet the needs, but also not just the needs, but how to meet the needs as well. So the first need that's really important to a fearful avoidant is emotional depth.

00:05:09:17 - 00:05:37:06
Thais Gibson
They really value like emotional depth. And the really interesting part for like how the fearful avoidant best receives this is first through somebody opening up fearful avoidance, essentially have them conditioned to a certain degree into kind of these like one way connection relationships because in so much of their upbringing, if they grew up around chaos, sometimes the only way they really felt like they got love is when they were there for or supporting their parents or their caregivers in their chaos.

00:05:37:06 - 00:06:03:13
Thais Gibson
And sometimes the variation of this is like supporting the siblings, like animals, like the eldest sibling of a large family and that sibling supporting all the other siblings. And so, like the the fearful wouldn't tend to get rewarded or attuned to or acknowledge or approved of when they are in support of other people, which makes fearful avoidant like really good at like drawing information out of people and getting people to connect deeply with them and to share with them.

00:06:03:13 - 00:06:32:12
Thais Gibson
And that's something that fearful avoidants generally like and value. But, you know, it's also so important if you're the loved one of the circle of want to ask deep questions to the fearful avoidant so that you know, the fearful avoidant will open up to you as well. And even if that takes a little more time and you have to be a little more patient and consistent, it is definitely something the fearful avoidant needs and it's something that will, again, kind of represent the lifeblood of the relationship, like allow it to sustain itself.

00:06:32:14 - 00:06:51:07
Thais Gibson
The second major one, and these aren't in any particular order. The second major one is trust. fearful avoidants may have a big subconscious comfort zone of not trusting. But to be perfectly honest, a relationship with a fearful avoidant will not make it beyond the power struggle stage of a relationship if there isn't a very strong baseline of trust.

00:06:51:09 - 00:07:15:17
Thais Gibson
And trust has a lot to do with things like context, transparency, consistency, congruency, like if I say, Hey, I'll see you at 5:00 every day and I say, I want to come by your house at 5:00 and every day. I never come by at 5:00. You might trust me in certain ways, but you're not going to trust me to show up at your house about because what I say and what I do do not align.

00:07:15:19 - 00:07:34:23
Thais Gibson
And so that's congruency and fearful avoidants are literally lie detectors. They pick up on all the little encumbrances everywhere, whether they mean to or not. So as soon as there is incongruity that really affects the fearful avoidant capacity to trust. The more congruency is there, the more trust is built and the more the relationship can really sustain over time.

00:07:34:23 - 00:08:04:06
Thais Gibson
Because whoever wouldn't do it if they don't talk about all the little things they pick up on, they pick up on a lot of stuff very easily. So congruence is really important. Consistency, like, you know, if you say that you're going to do something or call back, like try to do that as consistently as possible. Also, if you're like dating, if you're avoidant and then you're available and then you're really not available and then you're available, you're really not available that intermittent reinforcement may draw the  fearful avoidant initially, but over the long term, it will cause them to again feel like they're not trusting.

00:08:04:06 - 00:08:23:10
Thais Gibson
They'll keep pulling away inside until they kind of hit a tipping point and then they'll leave seemingly all of a sudden. But usually there's a lot of like things they weren't just discussing around trust or consistency that were happening. First, consider Asian, like making somebody feel like you're considering them as a massive part of trust as well. Like that you're looking out for their feelings.

00:08:23:10 - 00:08:39:08
Thais Gibson
Like if you're going to cancel a trip that you had planned, like if you're like, I canceled the trip. See you later. You know, you weren't considerate of that person if you were like, Hey, unfortunately, I really have to cancel this trip. I have this thing going on. How do you feel about that? Can we try to reschedule another time?

00:08:39:08 - 00:08:57:02
Thais Gibson
What else works for you? I'm so sorry. Like, if you're considerate of them in the process, like, I trust that you're going to look out for my feelings, but I trust that you're going to look out for how your actions rub off on me. And because of that, I'm willing to be more open and vulnerable with you. So consideration is massive.

00:08:57:04 - 00:09:03:24
Thais Gibson
Don't go too far and all this stuff because we could talk for a very long time just about the track component. But a big need for fearful avoidants is trust.

00:09:03:24 - 00:09:12:00
Thais Gibson
Presence is also massive. When travel, we don't have people present with them. They tend to have like a bit of a wound that gets triggered around feeling like they don't matter.

00:09:12:00 - 00:09:39:07
Thais Gibson
And they also again feel like, hey, it almost seems to where the trust and at the consideration in relationship to trust and that emotional depth, that thing we talked about earlier. So the more presence is there, the more connected a fearful avoidant will feel. And it's really important. Safety is a huge thing for fearful avoidants. Fearful avoidants because they have a subconscious comfort zone of chaos generally do not

00:09:39:07 - 00:09:41:09
Thais Gibson
realize that they are looking for safety,

00:09:41:09 - 00:09:45:12
Thais Gibson
but for a relationship to make it beyond the power struggle stage with a fearful avoidant.

00:09:45:14 - 00:09:50:15
Thais Gibson
Having somebody who is safe to be around emotionally save especially

00:09:50:15 - 00:10:19:07
Thais Gibson
like consistent shows up is stable, you know, is is grounded, is reliable. You know, all these things represent safety. So the fearful avoidants, along with all the trust components we talked about and that safety is actually one of the only baselines or foundational things that will allow a fearful avoidance to actually open up over time and to continuously grow with somebody fearful.

00:10:19:07 - 00:10:44:06
Thais Gibson
Winds don't usually register that they feel unsafe, but if you look at their coping mechanisms, you're usually like if you look at when we feel unsafe and when we go into sympathetic nervous system or what do we do, we fight, we flight or flee, we freeze, or we find like A.W. and like people please. And whenever fearful avoidants are consciously in those four F responses by flight freeze and Von,

00:10:44:06 - 00:10:48:22
Thais Gibson
they generally end up in unsustainable circumstances and relationships.

00:10:48:22 - 00:11:14:22
Thais Gibson
In other words, they tend to eventually leave those relationships because they get resentful, they get frustrated, they get overprotective. And if you look at travel point, they're usually exhibiting an exaggerated version of those four responses because they're spending an inordinate amount of time in sympathetic nervous system mode. So fearful avoidant often, right? They threatened to break up all of a sudden or they leave a job suddenly or situation suddenly, or they push people away.

00:11:14:22 - 00:11:17:03
Thais Gibson
All of a sudden that's a flight response.

00:11:17:03 - 00:11:17:21
Thais Gibson
They

00:11:17:21 - 00:11:27:00
Thais Gibson
fight, right? They over defend themselves. They easily perceive, attack and take things personally and they feel the need to over defend themselves. So they fight. They flee.

00:11:27:00 - 00:11:38:18
Thais Gibson
So we fight flight freeze. Right. Sometimes people wouldn't go into these like extended freeze responses for long periods of time or they find they people please until they get resentful, feel like they're taking advantage of and then they

00:11:38:18 - 00:11:40:20
Thais Gibson
get frustrated and then they go into flight response.

00:11:40:20 - 00:12:07:11
Thais Gibson
Right. So so when there's no safety, there's this like pathway that you are on as a fearful avoidant or if you're dating, if you're fluid. And we're like, as much as there could be lots of passion and connection and chemistry and love, if there is no baseline of safety, the relationship is unlikely to sustain. It's unlikely to continuously work so that safety, even though that's not like some of the things and like one of the other next needs that we're going to talk about is passion.

00:12:07:11 - 00:12:14:13
Thais Gibson
Like fearful avoidants are usually like looking for passion and connection and chemistry and like feeling through sparks and all those different things.

00:12:14:13 - 00:12:23:24
Thais Gibson
But if you don't have the safety and you just have the passion, these relationships with a fearful avoidant, they tend to burn hot and burn out fast.

00:12:23:24 - 00:12:36:14
Thais Gibson
So they tend to like you really connect with them, you really like have the sparks flying and then the fuze goes out because the level of resentment that's likely to show up in those relationships over time is so strong.

00:12:36:14 - 00:12:47:01
Thais Gibson
Another big one is novelty. And it's interesting too, because like the fearful avoidant they have these like seemingly contradictory parts, right? It's like they want the depth

00:12:47:01 - 00:12:57:09
Thais Gibson
and they need the safety, but they also need the novelty, right? But we're humans, like we are holistic beings. We have multiple aspects of self. So even though

00:12:57:09 - 00:13:05:23
Thais Gibson
the fear of what it might want novelty and want safety, it doesn't actually mean that like, you know, they're conflicting.

00:13:05:23 - 00:13:28:10
Thais Gibson
That's not possible. No, no, no. The fearful avoidant, absolutely has these seemingly contradictory needs. But as a human being, you can enjoy trying new things, doing new things, but also need at a baseline level, a sense of safety and stability in your life like they might seem at a surface level, like they contradict, but they absolutely are just like parts of our holistic self, their parts of the big picture.

00:13:28:12 - 00:13:53:07
Thais Gibson
So novelty is really important. If people wouldn't really need to know that, like they can go to a new restaurant with their partner, have new discussions, try new hobbies, test new things, have new types of conversations, go to new places. Like anything that's too routine will also cause if you're going to lose interest quite quickly again, this doesn't mean that like the fearful avoidants only going to want to date new people over time.

00:13:53:13 - 00:14:09:08
Thais Gibson
It means that there's just an important novelty aspect to bring into the relationship. So like trying new things, going to new places, like bringing that in as something you do together as partners in a relationship and unite over is very valuable. The next big one is growth.

00:14:09:11 - 00:14:37:20
Thais Gibson
wouldn't actually have a fear of not growing together like fearful avoidant tend to be like acutely aware that if you're not growing together, you're likely to grow apart. And so growth together means like having deeper conversations, being tapped into needs, understanding in a relationship that your needs are going to change over time, like understanding that, hey, what your needs were when we first started dating in the first six months versus what your needs are five years into a relationship, ten years into a relationship, these are going to change.

00:14:37:20 - 00:14:58:19
Thais Gibson
So growing together also means consistently having conversations to discover each other's needs, interests, beliefs, opinions. As you evolve as unique individuals and being able to make space for those things to merge, right to grow together like hey, I might have had these opinions way back and you had these opinions and then your opinions change and mine didn't or yours did.

00:14:58:22 - 00:15:06:22
Thais Gibson
Minded. And like we still find a way to harmonize over that. We still find a way to like, connect over our unique similarities and differences.

00:15:06:22 - 00:15:17:12
Thais Gibson
So growth is so important to fearful avoidants and then freedom is super important if you're avoidance again, it doesn't mean you can't have emotional depth and freedom. You can have like a lot of emotional depth.

00:15:17:12 - 00:15:37:00
Thais Gibson
Maybe you spend two nights a week together dating this person and you are super present, have deep conversations, you're very close and connected and do all these different things. But then maybe also you have, you know, a day that you don't really talk a lot during the week because you're both doing your own thing. Like that's the freedom.

00:15:37:00 - 00:15:58:11
Thais Gibson
And then the next thing is independent and they kind of go hand-in-hand. I think we tend to so easily think of things and like these all or nothing segmented ways, like you either have freedom and independent or you have depth and connection and presence. But like you, that's not true. You can have the depth, connection and presence throughout most of the week, but then have a day where you have a lot of freedom and independence yourself.

00:15:58:11 - 00:16:06:05
Thais Gibson
So like these, knowing that these things are there is so valuable and so important. And then the last thing is that

00:16:06:05 - 00:16:19:02
Thais Gibson
your full points want to feel like they are wanted and appreciated. They want to be like you want to be with them, that your time matters to them, that you appreciate that you're with them. And it doesn't have to be in this like extreme way.

00:16:19:02 - 00:16:30:02
Thais Gibson
It doesn't have to be in this like, wow, I'm so, so lucky all the time. It can be like, just reassuring that, like, you appreciate the relationship, you appreciate the time together. You like who the person is that you're dating

00:16:30:02 - 00:16:36:06
Thais Gibson
and just having that kind of reassurance in a way that makes the relationship a certain degree of priority in your life.

00:16:36:06 - 00:16:40:01
Thais Gibson
And things along those lines are very important too. If you're full, avoid it as well.

00:16:40:01 - 00:16:42:18
Thais Gibson
And that's about it for today. So thank you so much for watching.

00:16:42:18 - 00:16:43:24
Thais Gibson
Thank you for being here.