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Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School podcast. I'm your host. HAYES Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

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Thais
So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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Thais
Are you dating and avoidant attachment style? Or maybe you're just in a friendship or family relationship with one?

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Speaker 2
And have you ever.

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Thais
Wondered what happens when you take space or take a step back and what actually they feel when you start talking to them?

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Speaker 2
Well, in this video, we're going to.

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Thais
Be talking about five crucial things that happen when you stop talking to an avoidant for a certain period of time.

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Speaker 2
And we will talk a little.

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Thais
Bit about what to do from a healthy perspective.

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Thais
the avoidant attachment style is referring to the dismissive avoiding attachment style. There are four major attachments. Every single person has an attachment, so there's a secure attachment. Silo tends to do very well in their relationship dynamics. They tend to have a sense of.

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Speaker 2
Security.

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Thais
Stability in relationships.

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Speaker 2
Then there are.

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Thais
Three insecure attachment styles are anxious, preoccupied. Who can be the one who's the most afraid of abandoned abandonment.

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Speaker 2
And can sometimes.

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Thais
Experience fears and.

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Speaker 2
A little bit of clinging in relationships.

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Thais
Then there's the dismissive avoidant, which is who we're referring to in this video, who fears commitment the most tends to go through some emotional neglect in childhood and thus doesn't really want to be vulnerable as an adult or bond deeply with other people because it scares them because of their subconscious sort. Emotional associations from being a child.

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Speaker 2
And then we have the fearful one.

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Thais
Who's the hot and cold attachment style. They can kind of go either way. They both fear anxious or they fear abandonment, but they also fear this sense of being too close. And so they may sort of have this pattern of.

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Speaker 2
Going come get close to me, and.

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Thais
Then you get close. And they're like, No, stay back. So those are the four major attachment styles. The dismissive avoidant is who we're talking about here today. So first and foremost, there tend to sort of be these major stages of dismissal when you go.

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Speaker 2
Through when.

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Thais
There is this disconnect.

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Speaker 2
One of the.

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Thais
First stages is originally we'll see dismissal avoidance feel some degree of relief when they have space, especially if there has been a sort of history of conflict or different challenges in the relationship dynamic.

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Speaker 2
Because.

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Thais
It's all going to really don't like conflict overall and it really triggers them to feel quite emotionally unsafe.

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Speaker 2
In fact, dismissive avoidance, not to even avoid.

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Thais
Pairing up in relationships and deeply connecting with people because at a deeper level, it's actually a subconscious strategy to avoid the conflict.

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Speaker 2
That could.

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Thais
Come with that sort of relationship dynamic. That's how much they really dislike conflict.

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Speaker 2
Now, conflict will.

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Thais
Also wear, on a dismissible point differently.

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Speaker 2
Than.

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Thais
It will other attachment styles, largely because other attachment styles tend to get their needs met more from an interpersonal relationship dynamic.

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Speaker 2
In other words.

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Thais
An anxious, preoccupied gets a lot of their needs met from other people.

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Speaker 2
So it's almost like they have more money in their bank account.

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Thais
If you imagine that a piece in their relationship, it actually sort of gives them $5,000 of deposits each week into their bank account, whereas fearful avoidance, maybe it's closer to 3000 and dismissible witness, maybe it's closer to 500 or a thousand.

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Speaker 2
You know, when there is a conflict, you have to imagine.

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Thais
That conflict has a cost to your relationship, in other words, a cost to your bank account. So conflicts may cost everybody $1,000. But if we see that from the $5,000 at the AP, there's still a 4000 positive in the positive, right. Whereas fearful avoidance might be closer to 2000.

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Speaker 2
Dismissive, a witness might be.

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Thais
Overdraft in their bank account at that.

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Speaker 2
Point.

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Thais
And it's also important to recognize that actually of wins.

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Speaker 2
It costs.

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Thais
Them more than it costs the other attachment spouse, and not just because of having that less.

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Speaker 2
Emotional bandwidth or.

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Thais
Needs met from a relationship, but also because of the way they deal with conflict. They tend to really internalize it and they actually take it to heart much more than you might even think.

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Speaker 2
So one of the first things.

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Thais
That happens in this first sort of.

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Speaker 2
Stage, it doesn't it's.

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Thais
What words may actually feel a sense of relief when there's space.

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Speaker 2
Because it's relief not from the person.

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Thais
It doesn't mean they don't care about the person that they're in a relationship with. But relief from their fears and dynamics around conflict that they really dislike.

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Speaker 2
The second stage is we'll see this sort.

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Thais
Of increased sense of independence from the dismissive avoidance.

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Speaker 2
Where.

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Thais
They will do more things on their own. They will tend to thrive in their independence. They feel when they are independent, like they have.

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Speaker 2
This sort of.

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Thais
Sense of safety and certainty and control. Right? Because dismissible wouldn't have said that to me so many times over the years.

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Speaker 2
They say things like, Well, I can.

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Thais
Control how I show up, but I have no idea how other people are going to show.

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Speaker 2
Up. And what I.

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Thais
Hear under that is this just sense of powerlessness or feeling out of control or helpless in their relationship.

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Speaker 2
Dynamics. And you have to imagine if you grew up with.

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Thais
A very limited emotional modeling for what a relationship actually looks like, you know, and this exchange of energy looks like between two people. If you grew up to be demonstrated that everybody's kind of out for themselves, and if there's some degree of neglect in your relationship dynamics.

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Speaker 2
This this whole idea of like exchanging needs, exchanging emotions.

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Thais
And sharing about things and connecting and attaching.

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Speaker 2
Something that kind of.

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Thais
Feels like a born language to dismissive avoidance.

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Speaker 2
So they'll usually feel like, okay.

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Thais
I have my control back in the second stage.

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Speaker 2
And they may go into this.

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Thais
Increased energy independence, do a much deeper dive into.

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Speaker 2
Just.

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Thais
Meeting their own needs as a whole.

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Thais
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Thais
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Speaker 2
Then we will start to see this third.

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Thais
Stage.

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Speaker 2
Which sort of becomes the mixed.

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Thais
Feelings stage, the sort of quest opening about things.

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Speaker 2
And there's.

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Thais
Mixed feelings stages when some of their emotions come up of actually missing the person that they're in a relationship with.

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Speaker 2
Because once they.

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Thais
Aren't afraid.

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Speaker 2
Of losing money and being, you know.

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Thais
This cost coming to their bank account from maybe some of the conflict that's happening once there's been space, they have this sort of emotional bond with them. They miss what they were getting from relationship dynamics.

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Speaker 2
You know.

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Thais
Even though dismissive ones can absolutely have these big blocks to receiving from other.

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Speaker 2
People or they.

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Thais
May block themselves from wanting to open up or vulnerably share what they.

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Speaker 2
Really need.

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Thais
Or they may block themselves from wanting to rely on other people too much.

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Speaker 2
What will generally see.

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Thais
Is from.

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Speaker 2
This, once they.

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Thais
Are getting that sort of space.

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Speaker 2
It doesn't mean they aren't getting some.

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Thais
Needs met, even though they have those receiving blocks. And so they tend to have these mixed feelings of like, Geez, I kind of miss that person. And they start to sort of backtrack second guess things a little bit.

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Speaker 2
And it can.

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Thais
Start to wear on them a little bit.

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Speaker 2
Now, the fourth stage that we'll.

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Thais
See here is this feeling of questioning things. We can call it questioning or regretting. Okay. It's not just this like mixed feeling. It's actually the questioning and regretting, but it gets paired.

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Speaker 2
With this is the most.

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Thais
Important part of the stage.

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Speaker 2
Is it gets paired with.

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Thais
Repression. So it's almost like if you could graph out with.

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Speaker 2
The guys feeling they feel this like increased.

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Thais
Independence and then they start to feel this relief. You know, it's there in the first a little.

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Speaker 2
Bit or the.

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Thais
Relief and then increase independence and then they start to question things and they start to feel like,

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Speaker 2
My goodness, and then even.

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Thais
Regret and then assume they regret. They go back into repressing to create that sense of space and safety for themselves. Again.

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Speaker 2
I will say before I go.

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Thais
Into the fifth major stage here, that's really important.

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Speaker 2
And that will unpack a little bit more. If you're seeing.

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Thais
These dynamics in your relationships, you know, our attachments will affect us more than anything else in our relationship, especially if we are insecurely attached. We're dating another insecurely attached person or we have insecurely attached relationships in our lives.

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Thais
And then after the major stage here is we actually can have attempts at reconnection.

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Speaker 2
So there may be a point.

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Thais
Where ADT starts to make these attempts at reconnection. I think it's really important to recognize that attempts for reconnection will not necessarily be super overt. You may not see these really obvious attempts where they say, I miss you, I want to reconnect. I'm so sorry. Let's start.

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Speaker 2
Over. Usually you'll.

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Thais
See things like they send these indirect ways of trying to connect, so they'll send a.

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Speaker 2
Meme or they will send like a.

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Thais
Funny joke or they will send like a.

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Speaker 2
A very.

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Thais
Like high level text message to have sort of this discussion because some ones do not like to be vulnerable. And so some of them will see this sort of like high level.

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Speaker 2
It's almost like you can.

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Thais
See they're trying to connect without trying to be vulnerable.

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Speaker 2
So you'll see like exactly that.

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Thais
It's like this desire to connect, but it's sort of filtered through.

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Speaker 2
This.

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Thais
Fear of vulnerability. And so you'll see them doing these things in very indirect ways where they can avoid being vulnerable while they're yearning for this reconnection.

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Speaker 2
Now, I.

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Thais
Think it's really important at this stage to say like if.

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Speaker 2
This, you know, they're.

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Thais
Trying to reconnect, you had an argument, you had space remote from each other for a couple of days versus.

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Speaker 2
There was.

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Thais
A breakup. This person is now trying to, like, indirectly reconnect, maybe thinking of getting back together. And again, I do I do want to stay on that note. Right. Not all these will want to reconnect after a breakup that will depend very much on.

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Speaker 2
Like the.

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Thais
Dynamic that happens within a breakup. How long you were dating somebody, why you broke up. I mean, there's much more to that story, but this is more for like if we've seen this sort of disconnect in a relationship, but the relationship's not over. And this is where we will tend to see.

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Speaker 2
Evidence of avoidance like kind.

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Thais
Of doing this in direct reaching.

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Speaker 2
Out.

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Thais
It's really important to evaluate like, you know, I don't want to go back into the same pattern right away. I would like to have a conversation about what we can do differently next time around.

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Speaker 2
How.

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Thais
We can improve the relationship in connection, how we can improve communication.

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Speaker 2
So we don't just go back.

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Thais
Into the same relationship dynamic either. After a breakup or after some space for a few days. And we just keep repeating pattern. So that has to be a discussion that should absolutely be something on the table. If you actually want to see true progress and growth in the relationship.

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Speaker 2
And the.

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Thais
More that we're able to unpack these different patterns in a.

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Speaker 2
Healthy way and work through them, the more of a chance.

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Thais
Over time your relationship is going to have its success. So it's a really important thing to address. Really important things. Keep top of.

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Speaker 2
Mind.

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Thais
You know, I think it's great to understand.

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Speaker 2
The different.

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Thais
Relationship dynamics, but we want to pair that.

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Speaker 2
Understanding.

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Thais
With also this ability to work through things, to break through things to the next level.

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Speaker 2
Not just understanding because.

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Thais
We can understand things take less, take them less personally. All of a sudden we give them more space to happen. We're like, they just take space and that's how they are and that's fine.

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Speaker 2
But what if it's not.

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Thais
Actually okay for you? What if you don't really feel great about that?

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Speaker 2
So we want to be able to like, really assess.

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Thais
Those things from a different perspective and be able to grow the relationship from there.