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Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School podcast. I'm your host. Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

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Thais
So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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Thais
Are you an anxious attachment style who is stuck in a relationship that constantly makes you feel like you are on the hamster wheel of panicking and feeling anxious and invalidated? Well, if this sounds like you, we are going to break down why it's actually so difficult for you to leave the wrong relationship. And then three powerful action steps that you can take to leave behind something that you know is not serving the highest expression of yourself.

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Thais
So if you're new here, my name is Chase Gibson. I am the founder of the Personal Drone School and

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Thais
We really focus on the subconscious mind when it comes to change because the conscious mind cannot will the subconscious mind.

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Thais
And here's how you're going to know that this is true. First of all, research conclusively tells us this for a long period of time and also tells us that the conscious mind is responsible for roughly 3 to 5% of your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, actions. While your subconscious is 95 to 97%. But if you've ever had the experience as an anxious attachment style of going, I am not going to call this person back.

00:01:47:09 - 00:02:11:06
Thais
I'm not going to text them back again. I'm not going to reach out to them again. And you told yourself that and consciously you logically knew that that was the right decision. And yet, as time passed, you subconsciously found yourself going back to that person again or reaching out yet again, even when you knew better. Well, it's not because you're weak or you're being silly or whatever painful self judgments you might make.

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Thais
What's actually happening is the war between your conscious and subconscious mind. Your conscious mind knows better, but it's only responsible for that 3 to 5% of your decisions. Your subconscious has programs in programs, strategies for how to get its needs met. So it tries to keep going back to the person because it's the comfort zone of how you're familiar with getting your needs met.

00:02:32:05 - 00:02:56:00
Thais
So we have to really break a lot of this down today in terms of how can you actually stop this subconscious pattern of going back to somebody that you know is not right for you, that, you know, is not treating you well? And what are the mechanisms there for for why this actually happens? Well, one of the first big things that's happening is as an interest attachment style, you'll have a core wound around abandonment.

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Thais
And if you have this big fear of abandonment, that what ends up taking place is you will choose essentially the lesser of two evils. It may be more scary and more perceived painful. It may be perceived it being more painful for you to leave something altogether and have to deal with the abandonment then to just stay in a relationship that's not helpful for you or not healthy or not working.

00:03:23:07 - 00:03:41:18
Thais
So it's almost like if you can imagine that you have this fear of abandonment, let's call it a nine out of ten. It's a huge fear. It's a really big wound. You know, if you're kind of being alone and things not working out and getting left by this person versus maybe staying in the people relationship is only six out of ten of suffering.

00:03:41:20 - 00:04:00:18
Thais
Well, if this is the case, you're going to keep choosing to stay in the painful relationship rather than actually make space to leave the relationship, because, you know, it's not working for you because your subconscious mind is busy trying to avoid the pain and suffering it associates with abandonment and do it all for staying in the wrong relationship.

00:04:00:20 - 00:04:29:22
Thais
Now, when we look at the net impact of this, it's huge because if you stay in the wrong relationship over and over again for periods of time in life, that is not going to be serving you. This is how we end up literally dating the wrong people, marrying the wrong people, you know, dedicating so much time to the wrong person that stops us from getting ahead in our own lives, right from feeling fulfilled in our career or having healthy relationships or friends or family members like you can release, spill out and sort of bleed into other areas of life.

00:04:29:24 - 00:04:52:21
Thais
So what you have to do to actually get out of this painful cycle first is overcome your fear of abandonment. And part of the reason that anxious, preoccupied attachment cells have such a big fear of abandonment is also because they chronically abandon themselves. They disconnect from this relationship to themselves all the time. So this really brings me to step two, and I'm going to put step one and step two here.

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Thais
Together, we have to recondition the fear of abandonment, but we have to learn to meet our own needs. Until you learn to build a relationship to your own needs, you will keep relying on somebody outside of you to meet them. So we're going to do two things here. We're going to start by reprograming our wounds around the fear of abandonment.

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Thais
I have so many reprograming videos on this channel. Channels largely about how to recondition your subconscious mind, but what you want to be able to actually do is challenge, right? We want to be able to challenge these stories that I'm going to be alone forever. I'm going to be stuck in that situation forever. We want to get our mind off of autopilot, feeding in, buying into these painful stories, these painful narratives.

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Thais
And we can use a tool called Auto Suggestion to really heal this and other videos in this channel that talk about auto suggestion, you can search them up. But I really want to get you through these three points here. First. And also, of course, you can check out fully for free all about how to recondition these parts of our subconscious mind that are not serving us.

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Thais
These abandonment fears, these fears of being excluded or not good enough or disliked or rejected, like there's so many tools for how to reprogram these.

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Thais
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Thais
So click the link in the description.

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Thais
So as we go into this, you want to reprogram these fears of abandonment. Once those fears are gone, they're not such a part of your reality. You won't be so afraid. Number two, you actually just stop abandoning yourself by learning to meet your own needs. So what you want to do here and you can pause this video for this exercise is you want to go down and you want to write out all the different needs that this person meets.

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Thais
There may be a lot of needs that they don't meet, but you're hanging on to them because there are ones that they do. Maybe they make you feel seen sometimes. Maybe they make you feel protected. Maybe they make you feel validated or wanted or, you know, important in some way. And it may be sporadically, but if you are starving to meet those needs in the relationship to yourself, then sometimes will take anything from somebody else, even when that person as a whole is not a good fit for us in our lives.

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Thais
And what it actually represents is we go to an unhealthy source for a couple of needs because we're starving for these needs in our own lives. So you want to make a list of all the different things that they make you feel, even if it's just intermittently. And then you want to come up with a strategy next to it for things like How can I meet this need in the relationship to myself or with other healthy people in my life?

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Thais
Here's an example. Maybe this person makes you feel validated. Maybe not always, maybe not frequently, but maybe sometimes they do. And it's enough for you to keep going back to them. Well, if you wouldn't keep going back to them, if you were really good at making yourself feel validated. So what we're going to do is we're going to learn to meet our own needs for validation.

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Thais
This can be like riding out your wins at the end of the day on a regular basis, things you're proud of yourself or things that you felt like you did effectively today. You showed up well for actually being able to give yourself a pat on the back, then you can go out into the world. You can ask other healthy friends and family members, Hey, you know, I really respond well to positive words of affirmation.

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Thais
You know, I would love a lot more of that in my life. It's something I'm working on personally and would really appreciate from our friendship or our relationship. And so you're going to get healthy sources from yourself and from other people, which will stop you from being dependent and almost addicted to this one person who's not a good fit for you in a relationship right now, The more empowered you are to meet those needs in the relationship to yourself, the more you'll shed the relationship to this unhealthy person easily.

00:08:42:00 - 00:09:11:14
Thais
So it's a really important next exercise. Number three, you have to ask yourself a really powerful question How is this relationship actually making you feel? Okay, Sometimes things just get so focused on the outcome, this like future outcome that they want from somebody that they're not even attuned and tapped into how they're feeling on a daily basis, being in a relationship or dating this person, if it's not an actual relationship, you know, are they making you feel anxious all the time?

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Thais
Why would you want to feel like that? Are they making you feel stressed out and never good enough and not worthy and always afraid of being rejected by them? Do they make you feel emotionally unsafe? Well, then why are you with them? And what I want you to do for an exercise here is I want you to write out 20 costs, okay?

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Thais
20 course of always being with this person. You know, What is your self-esteem look like? What does your life look like? Are you able to show up and really be there and your your friendships, your other relationships? How do you feel on a regular basis emotionally? Right. Don't 20 course of staying with the wrong person and write out 20 benefits of actually leaving this relationship behind.

00:09:49:09 - 00:09:58:11
Thais
And that will help to shift some of these emotional associations that you have programed in your and give you a little bit of room to feel like you can set yourself free.

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Thais
Number two, actually learning to meet the needs this person meets your you're fostering less dependency and addiction to them. And number three, actually seeing the cost of sticking around and the benefits to moving in a different direction. You can't just know that they exist. You have to write them out because it is the emotional part of the exercise that will create a shift in your behavior.

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Thais
Why? Because in neuroscience has proven a neuroscientist named Antonio Damasio, I believe it was in 2008 that every single decision we make is actually emotionally based. So we have to leverage emotion to drive our decisions by writing out the course and really feeling about it and writing of the benefits of leaving and really feeling about it. You'll leverage more of that emotion to make healthier decisions that are aligned with your conscious minds interest, not these old, outdated, fear based subconscious programs.