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Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School podcast. I'm your host. Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

00:00:33:18 - 00:00:44:05
Thais
So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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Thais
Are you a fearful of waiting and you're having trouble making sense of exactly what your internal world is experiencing after a heated argument, let alone figuring out exactly how to put things back together and resolve conflict? Well, if this sounds like you or if you or the loved one of your following better trying to understand their internal world, their heart, their mind.

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Thais
After an argument,

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Thais
I like to think about the fearful avoidant when it comes to arguments as essentially going through three major stages. And at the end of this video, too, by the way, I'm going to take you through something you can do to really solve for a pain, a pain point or a challenging argument or situation. So the very first thing that tends to happen when a fearful witness in an argument is towards the end of it, if it's left feeling unresolved, they're usually quite furious, they're very angry, they're very frustrated.

00:01:37:20 - 00:02:02:20
Thais
And really underneath a lot of this frustration is hurt, but fearful of waiting to become very furious. And enraged when they're hurt, but they're also helpless. And it's actually more that they're hurt and they're reacting with anger to their own feelings of helplessness for how to be seen or heard or understood, or how to regulate their own emotions or how to feel like they're really moving through an argument in a more productive way.

00:02:02:20 - 00:02:27:16
Thais
But that feeling of helplessness makes them feel so frustrated. And that's really the first stage. And generally, when a fearful avoidant gets approached while they're still in this anger stage to try to solve for the argument or put things back together, usually the only thing the fearful of one wants to do is push somebody away. So if you are a fearful event, listening to this is going to be really important that you recognize that you need a little bit of breathing room after an argument.

00:02:27:17 - 00:02:47:00
Thais
Now, by breathing room, I don't mean days and I definitely don't even mean hours. Oftentimes about 15 to 30 minutes of really good space helps if your will wouldn't simmer down in this space. And I want to be really clear about this. This is not me saying, as somebody who was fearful of wouldn't become before doing the work and become insecurely attached.

00:02:47:02 - 00:03:06:20
Thais
This is not me saying why go fearful when they're just angry? You know, what I'm actually saying is there's fear. There's a tremendous amount of trauma. The fearful avoidance are usually carrying a lot of war wounds. They don't believe that they can get their needs met by other people because history usually demonstrates to them that their needs are not going to be met by other people and they're kind of on their own to figure it out.

00:03:06:22 - 00:03:29:11
Thais
And so imagine if you're not that fearful of within yourself, imagine what it would feel like to feel like you've got lots of queer wounds. You felt trapped and helpless and powerless and unsafe, and you're afraid of being betrayed or abandoned. And all these things are stirring inside of you. But you feel like you can't really communicate them to somebody and you feel like you can't really ask for what you need because it feels too unsafe to be vulnerable.

00:03:29:11 - 00:03:47:20
Thais
Or you're assuming you're not going to get those needs met anyways. Of course, you're really hurt and helpless and of course that's going to make you feel frustrated. So that's sort of the first stage. And really the requirements in this stage is to have a little bit of space to process. I know sometimes fearful avoidance, especially meaning anxious, want to like kind of stall for things in the moment.

00:03:47:22 - 00:04:07:01
Thais
But there can be periods of time where it's counter productive if you're not getting anywhere. Okay. And to be clear about this video, too, we're not talking about like, well, in an argument, I have a lot of communication videos on this channel. But what you while you're in an argument but I'm really clearly trying to depict, you know, the stages after an argument hasn't been resolved and then how we can get back on track, basically.

00:04:07:03 - 00:04:28:24
Thais
So the first page is this kind of frustrated, angry stage. The second stage is when that space happens, usually if you're going can then process their own hurt. So then they start to become aware that like, okay, I'm actually feeling really hurt. And fairly soon after feeling that hurt, if you will, wouldn't often becomes kind of anxious feeling and they may activate from the anxiety or deactivate.

00:04:28:24 - 00:04:51:15
Thais
Right. The group wouldn't maybe like I feel anxious. Let's try to like let me try to reach out and try to fix this again. But they may also go. I feel anxious. I don't want to feel vulnerable and anxious. So this person, I'm going to shut down further. Let that peace. Is that sort of anxiety provoking piece where they're kind of like longing to solve for the the argument or they're worried about maybe missing the person or losing the person from their lives a little bit.

00:04:51:17 - 00:05:16:01
Thais
Some of those abandonment fears can kind of come up. And in this stage, after there's been about 30 minutes of space post argument, it's actually great time for if you're a witness to to receive physical affection, if somebody comes and gives them a hug after an argument, you know, a partner gives them a hug sometimes tearful weddings have a hard time speaking through language if they haven't done a lot of internal work yet because there's a lot to unpack there.

00:05:16:03 - 00:05:34:17
Thais
But speaking through touch can be really beneficial. And I will be I want to be clear, if any, if you're full when still really angry, they may want even less physical catch. So there is this sort of pivotal point at which that shifts. But usually if you're the left, one of your whole world and trying to sort of recognize this, you'll see that there's a bit of a softening, right?

00:05:34:17 - 00:06:05:04
Thais
That there's a little bit more vulnerability there, even if it's not in their words and what they're sharing. It's in their body language. You know, it's in the they're tone of voice. It's in the way that they're kind of making eye contact a little bit more, looking for connection in various different ways. And so from the space, if a fearful avoidant can be touched, you know, hand is held hand on the leg, you know, given a hug, things like that, and actually helps to really soothe this person and make them feel a little bit more safe to try to be vulnerable again.

00:06:05:04 - 00:06:29:08
Thais
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00:06:29:08 - 00:06:33:02
Thais
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00:06:33:02 - 00:06:56:15
Thais
And then this brings us to stage three, which is if your one goes through this internal battle between their anxious and avoidance side, harder than feels like I want closes, part of them feels like they still aren't ready to bring the person close and they want to push the person away. And I like to think of the stage after an argument as like this internal conflict stage where they have really mixed emotions going back and forth about, you know, what they're feeling, what they're experiencing, what to do next.

00:06:56:15 - 00:07:19:09
Thais
And this really brings us to this major point of this video, which is if you are the fearful one, what do you need? Or if you're the loved one of a fearful, avoidant, how can you help solve for this as you're seeing them move through these stages to get them out of this doubtful stage, this hurt frustrated set of stages prior to that and into a place of resolution, a piece of reconnecting and the biggest things that are so important.

00:07:19:09 - 00:07:39:22
Thais
And I'll make a whole separate video in this topic, which is to validate a fearful avoidance feelings first. Okay. If you're ever going to feel like they can trust again when they feel like our feelings are validated because it feels like a perspective is understood and it meets these deep needs that are fearful of what has, if you'll seen, to feel heard, to feel connected, to feel like they matter because space is being made for them.

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Thais
And a lot of people wouldn't accept feeling like there wasn't really space being made for them. And so this is hugely beneficial and really reaches them.

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Thais
And so after you validated if you're able avoidant and by the way, if you're listening to this, please ask for emotional validation from your partner.

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Thais
Say things we call them asking for empathy statements. It can be things like, Hey, we don't have to agree right now, but in the very least I just need to know that you can see why I'm hurt or that you can understand where I'm at least coming from and these asking for empathy statements. Take us out of this idea of like right and wrong and conflict and put us into we just want to be seen and heard.

00:08:13:16 - 00:08:42:02
Thais
We can see and hear each other. Despite having a difference of opinion, we can still understand each other's unique perspectives and pain points. So getting your feelings validated and then asking for transparent communication, I want to understand why you did what you did, or I want to understand what led up to this from your side. Right. And what we're asking for here is the thing that you feel conflicted about if you're the fearful avoidance, maybe somebody didn't call you back, You know, that you're asking here is one reason why you didn't call back.

00:08:42:02 - 00:09:06:12
Thais
I want to know what's going on. Because if a few people wouldn't understand this, they're going to get out of this cycle of giving it painful meaning. Instead, so often fearful avoidance will say things themselves like, they didn't call back because they don't care about me. Rather than giving the actual meaning, which or understanding the actual meaning, which might have been, Hey, I was stuck on a phone call with one of my parents and there was an urgent issue that we had to talk about, and that's why I didn't call back in time.

00:09:06:12 - 00:09:27:13
Thais
You know, sometimes getting the reality can be a big relief compared to the stories we're telling in our heads. And so, you know, getting that information transparently is such a long way for conflict resolution and then to communicate openly about what are the next steps to solve for this conflict, how we prevent this from happening again. Hey, can you shoot me a text next time?

00:09:27:13 - 00:09:45:12
Thais
If you're stuck on a phone call and can't give me a shout back? You know, having an actual actions that are strategy helps things feel fully solved for. So those are your three stages combined with a three set of three steps to help you know how to resolve conflict a little bit. I'll make a separate video just about fearful woods and the bigger things need it after an argument.

00:09:45:12 - 00:09:48:15
Thais
But I hope this is helpful for you. I hope this is a good place to start.