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Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School podcast. I'm your host. Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

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Thais
So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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Thais
Have you ever felt confused or

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Thais
frustrated by somebody who one moment seemed genuinely interested and then the next moment dramatically pulled away? Well, it may be because they are dismissive avoidant and they have a never ending internal paradox between wanting to maintain their independence and yet as a human being, having some degree yearning for connection.

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Thais
the first three big tips that we're going to cover here today are going to help you walk away from this relationship dynamic with a dismissive avoidant as a potential dating partner or dating interest and have a lot more clarity and certainty as to what's really going on. So the very first big reason that a dismissive, avoidant attachments will pull away when they're interested in somebody is because they often have a lot of all or nothing thinking around this concept.

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Thais
Your idea of readiness for a relationship as somebody who worked in client practice for about a decade, you know what I saw all the time with this miserable client is they would say things to me like, I see that I have this coworker, for example, that I work with, and this coworker of mine has all these things that I would want to be interested in.

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Thais
You know, somebody I'm attracted to, somebody who has similar interests and hobbies, and we really get along at work. But I have to distance myself because I am nowhere near being ready for a relationship. And so for me it's just a hard no and I don't want to move in the direction of that person. And so they may be building some momentum with somebody and suddenly pull away.

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Thais
And what I mean really by all or I think thinking is it's sort of this internal dynamic where it's like it has to be we're all in and we're going to date, we're going to be in a relationship or there's no way I'm not in that headspace right now. And until I'm ready, I have to just close myself down completely.

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Thais
And so there's sort of this sense of control that dismissible wooden attachments of want to exert over themselves when it comes to relationships. And because of this, that will really cause them to create distance. And a lot of business avoidance will also do this thing. So I'm point number one here. Under that same kind of token, you'll hear them say things like, I'll date when I have the perfect job and have X amount of money in the bank, or I'll date when I finally decide to pay off my mortgage Or, you know, there is these sorts of dynamics that they can get into where it's almost like they put all these standards on themselves

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Thais
and expectations for when they're going to be ready for a relationship once they're financially free or things like that. And so it can cause them, again to create these big walls and barriers. And part of this is because they have this subconscious desire to keep maintaining distance out of self-protection is brings me to point number two, which is this fear of vulnerability.

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Thais
Dismissal wouldn't attach themselves, grew up as children with something called childhood emotional neglect and it's often something that really flew under the radar for the vast majority of days. They usually grew up in an environment where maybe like food was on the table. There was a sense of stability in the home, but everybody was kind of like ships passing in the night.

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Thais
And so there could be this really big lack of actual connection. And when a child grows up like that because they are wired for attunement, what ends up happening is they feel this constant sort of nagging of rejection, like I'm yearning for more closeness. I would like my caregivers to be emotionally available. These are not conscious thoughts. They're obviously thinking, but they're feelings they're experiencing because we are biologically wired for that closeness and that connection.

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Thais
And so when it's chronically missing, eventually they adapt to that by going, okay, I'm just going to choose not to meet. I don't want to feel vulnerable like this, needing something from somebody and not being able to get it. So they close down altogether as this sort of coping mechanism. And because it actually gives them relief in their childhood, what happens is as adults, this fear vulnerability is really real because they had more exclusively negative experiences around it.

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Thais
And then you combine that with it, they actually got relief from rejecting closeness and connection. And so it's like been reinforced to them positively that they should fear vulnerability, that they shouldn't connect deeply with other people because the thing to keep them safe. But just like with any of us, what may have been a survival adaptation that helped us a little bit as children in really challenging scenarios, it doesn't mean that just because that helps them, that that's the best case scenario for us as adults and it's something that is most important Attachment so usually is challenge to see.

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Thais
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Thais
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Thais
point number three is that dismissive avoidant attachment styles tend to feel subconsciously threatened by their feelings. Anything that makes them feel out of control of their emotions or too emotionally overwhelmed. Because remember, right, there's subconscious comfort zone to zone. That familiarity is neglect emotionally. So if you are somebody who grew up getting your emotions neglected, you become the neglect door of your emotions, right?

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Thais
Because that's your subconscious comfort and that's what you've learned. And so when somebody makes you feel too much and if you had negative experiences with feeling too much and not having your needs met when you have them, then what happens is as an adult, you have these subconscious programs that will cause you to be like, Whoa, I don't want to feel this much.

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Thais
I will actually feel threatened and afraid of their own emotions, their own feelings, causing them to need to distance themselves further. And it may be a coping mechanism to push somebody away or to be really shy and shut down really abruptly when they may actually be interested. I will say one last thing, which is that if you are in a position where you're like, This person's constantly giving me these mixed messages, you set a deadline around it, you decide how long you're going to maybe connect with somebody or pursue a potential new love interest with somebody.

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Thais
Don't get stuck in that gray area forever because some people may actually not be interested if they're not giving you good messaging, right? They may just not be interested or not be ready for a relationship and not worth trying to see where it can go. So just making sure that you do set a deadline so you don't get stuck in a situation wondering forever if something could work.

00:06:51:24 - 00:07:09:11
Thais
And I find that to be a really effective approach so that you, as somebody who may be interested in somebody with the different attachments out, don't get stuck in this kind of gray area for too long because that no man's land in a relationship or dating situation can be a challenging place to be. So set a time period from which you're going to decide, okay, I'm going to move in a different direction.

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Thais
You do what you can to see if there's something there first, but then at least you have the certainty of being able to walk away. Regret free should not be something that's able to work out,