00:00:01:03 - 00:00:45:07
Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School podcast. I'm your host. Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life. So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

00:00:45:07 - 00:00:59:02
Thais
The what happens when a dismissible boy, an attachment cell, realizes that they've lost you? How do they feel? How do they process it? And what do they tend to do when these different experiences are going on in their own internal reality?

00:00:59:10 - 00:01:11:11
Thais
I am going to cover the very unique way that this myth of avoiding attachment cycles, process breakups, and we'll talk about why it takes a while for this myth of avoidance to realize that they've actually lost somebody and the reasons for this.

00:01:11:13 - 00:01:21:03
Thais
And then we'll discuss how they tend to process break ups and what they feel when they realize that they've lost you along with what you can do to heal.

00:01:21:15 - 00:01:42:15
Thais
So the very first thing that I think is super important to recognize is that this myth of avoidance carry this fear of commitment because they carry this fear of losing themselves or being helpless or reliant or too vulnerable to somebody who isn't ultimately going to be there to support them. Because in childhood, that's obviously a huge piece of what they experienced.

00:01:42:17 - 00:02:09:11
Thais
And so that neglect that conditions their own subconscious mind all the way back from childhood gets projected on to our present and future relationships, because that's what the subconscious mind does. It stores information and then it re projects it back outwards. So we essentially see the whole world through the lens of our subconscious mind and past experiences. So the first thing that's really important to recognize is that this myth of avoidance, when they feel afraid of commitment, they feel very overwhelmed by that.

00:02:09:13 - 00:02:51:15
Thais
And essentially feeling too attached causes them to focus like almost hyperfocus on their need for space, on their need for freedom, independence, autonomy, because they're actually associating these things with safety. If if a dismissible going, for example, is in a relationship, they're often playing in this realm of what I call their feelings minus their fears. So they've got really deep attachment wounds that are maybe, let's say for, for analogy sake, a nine out of ten in terms of neglect and feeling enmeshed or feeling overwhelmed by, you know, wanting connection and closeness and just that neglect sort of being the biggest overarching theme, even if it was like hidden sort of emotional neglect, like flying under

00:02:51:15 - 00:03:07:06
Thais
the radar neglect. So if they have this this dynamic at play, well, then what you're going to see is that feelings minus their fears cause them to feel this need to pull away from that. Like, I don't want to feel like this again. I felt too vulnerable as a child. This was scary for me. I don't ever want to feel like that again.

00:03:07:12 - 00:03:37:23
Thais
And of course, they're not consciously thinking this, but they're subconscious mind is projecting this emotional output because it's stored those past experiences and the subconscious mind essentially stores everything. It does have a capacity to kind of consolidate memories a little bit, but it stores everything there. And then what ends up taking place is that if we are more focused on all the things that this person is causing us to feel that we don't want to feel, even if our feelings are an eight or nine are quite strong, our fears may just be stronger.

00:03:37:23 - 00:04:03:09
Thais
And so then we get into this position where the fears are essentially going to win out. And so this is where the dismissive point is likely to take you for granted, not because they want to, not because they're trying to hurt you or or do it on purpose, but because whenever we are focused on how something makes us feel in a scary way, we are always going to prioritize that survival need.

00:04:03:11 - 00:04:22:02
Thais
So the dismissive wouldn't orient themselves as a person who thinks the more space I have, the more safe I am because I can rely on me and I don't have to be vulnerable and thus unsafe to other people or around other people. And so they need to have this sort of push back and carve out that space for themselves as a result.

00:04:22:04 - 00:04:44:07
Thais
So number two, I'm going to cover these sort of core concepts here. Once that space is taken, what essentially happens? I like to think of it as like an iceberg, a numbing right, or like an iceberg melting, not numbing. And what you'll often see is that a dismissive abandon once they've broken up with somebody, they often feel this initial relief like, okay, feelings minus their fears.

00:04:44:09 - 00:05:05:19
Thais
my gosh, those fear that can set them to rest now. And then what they do as a coping mechanism is a dismissible wooden attachment style has essentially self conditioned and adapted to their environment to learn, to minimize their attachment needs as a strategy to create relief. So immediately a day will tell them all these stories of why they didn't need the person.

00:05:05:19 - 00:05:28:10
Thais
It wasn't going to work anyways. They can focus on their freedom. They'll often flop bind about the person. It's sort of a subconscious coping mechanism to reassure themselves that this is the right thing. It wasn't going to work anyway. And all of this is an attempt to not feel too much about another person. It's an attempt to keep that sort of guarded safety net around them because they're afraid to feel anything underneath this.

00:05:28:12 - 00:05:53:05
Thais
And so what we'll see generally is the first few months, just Mr. Wardens are good at this. They're good at just hyper relying on their creature comforts, really going into distracting themselves, numbing themselves, you know, sort of tuning out, not thinking about the relationship flaw, finding reassuring all these different things, but just miserable. Wouldn't have what I like to call a boomerang effect in a relationship and how they are impacted and what it often seen.

00:05:53:05 - 00:06:12:19
Thais
And I would say this is incredibly an incredibly strong pattern for a day, is that the first three or four months, totally fine, three or four months in. All of a sudden they're like, these are missing the person. The feelings minus fears dynamic is gone. So they're their fears are dropped. They can only numb themselves for so long.

00:06:12:21 - 00:06:28:17
Thais
And then eventually they start reflecting on the relationship from a more objective or neutral manner and they start thinking of the good things and what they miss. And they often really miss the security and comfort of having a partner. And so they start missing that. Then they start missing the support of honesty, empathy, the kindness, all the good things.

00:06:28:21 - 00:06:47:07
Thais
And they come out of that flaw finding mode because the subconscious mind will almost always equilibrate. And then they start getting into this place where they feel like they really long for that person, especially if it's been a longer term relationship. Of course, this would be slightly different if you dated somebody for like three months versus a year or longer, right?

00:06:47:09 - 00:06:51:17
Thais
Especially a long, long term relationship. You'll see this come on really, really strongly.

00:06:51:17 - 00:07:13:24
Speaker 1
The welcome to our personal development school free attachment style test. If you have less than 3 minutes really, it usually takes to build this test. We have a few questions for you to help you really determine exactly your attachment style and even the breakdown. So if you're leaning a certain direction, if you have a secondary attachment style, it will help break all of this down for you.

00:07:14:01 - 00:07:43:12
Speaker 1
Essentially, the quiz is here. It's at the personal department's website. You click attachment style test at the top and there are a series of questions here that you can take. And as you go through the questions, you will see that by the end of this, you actually have the ability to obtain a free report. There's a tremendous amount of detail in that report in terms of what your attachment style is, what different patterns you have, wounds, fears, needs that are going to be important for you to navigate relationships, the best ways to learn, to emotionally regulate.

00:07:43:14 - 00:08:01:12
Speaker 1
And we even talk about some of the relationship you might have to your boundaries or patterns of communication and activating or deactivating strategies. So there's a tremendous amount of information will help you break everything down. It's a great quiz for you to take or for you to take with a loved one, with a partner, with a friend who may also be curious about what their attachment style is.

00:08:01:14 - 00:08:16:24
Speaker 1
You'll see at the end you get a full report, and if you decide to submit your email, we actually email a really detailed report, even more so than on the landing page to your inbox. So I hope you check it out. I hope you enjoy and can't wait to see how your attachment style learning journey goes.

00:08:16:24 - 00:08:34:07
Thais
And so when they do realize they start ruminating on all of these different elements that they're missing. And to be quite honest, I've actually seen dismissive avoidant attachment cells in the long term struggle with break ups the most. And part of this is that they don't feel like they can get closure or express themselves.

00:08:34:09 - 00:09:00:14
Thais
They start longing for these things that the person was bringing into their lives that they often feel kind of helpless to meet within themselves as a whole, and they feel terrified and helpless to reach out to that person, to be vulnerable again. So it's almost like they get stuck between a rock and a hard place, and so they'll keep trying to reach for those creature comforts to tune themselves out, whether it's the food or the movies or video games or whatever their sort of comfort is, but then will usually just end up feeling this still.

00:09:00:14 - 00:09:22:20
Thais
And often dismissible beings can enter into like almost a bit of a depressive episode after a breakup in a longer term relationship and often have the hardest time coming out of it because it's not like they can meet their needs that the person was meeting because they're usually stuck in terms of how to meet them. So somebody is making them feel supported, seen, cared for, loved the day is not doing the best job of nourishing themselves.

00:09:22:20 - 00:09:42:07
Thais
They might meet their needs in a survival way, but they're not nourishing themselves the way a relationship can be nourishing. So this is often sort of the cycle of this. Now, I see a lot of people sometimes on here be like, okay, that I'm going to just wait forever for this person to come back. The dear will rarely reach out, and if they do, it will be very indirect and hard to read.

00:09:42:07 - 00:09:59:16
Thais
They'll send like a meme or a picture of something. And oftentimes that's the day trying to kind of vulnerably rebuild the connection. But that's as vulnerable as it gets and it makes it really hard to rebuild a connection or have honest conversations if somebody is not willing to be vulnerable yet or if they're moving at a snail's pace.

00:09:59:18 - 00:10:23:15
Thais
So what I want to focus on in the second half of this video is what you can do to heal as somebody coming through that. Number one, I think it's really important to hold no contact. And I think it's important, you know, if at least for the first few months and generally the day may stay, no contact, but easily for the first few months anyways, but that no contact shouldn't be used as a strategy to get the person to get back with you.

00:10:23:17 - 00:10:56:20
Thais
It should be used as a strategy for you to be like, okay, I'm going to put all of my focus and energy and sometimes rumination on me, on investing in myself and digging deep within me instead of trying to focus on how I can fix or team's that other person or win them back over in some form. And by doing that and starting by looking for the needs that the day was meeting for you in your life, even if they were inconsistent with them, even if they were good some days and not so great other days, if you stayed in a relationship for long enough, there are certain needs that that person was meeting.

00:10:56:22 - 00:11:14:11
Thais
And if you can take those needs and you can learn to nourish those needs and the relationship to yourself, like make a list of what they are and do that work, that's going to be a really important first step. The second step is we all tell stories about ourselves after a breakup. We say, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't interesting enough, I wasn't funny enough.

00:11:14:11 - 00:11:37:19
Thais
If I only did this one thing, it might have worked. It's all my fault. We tell stories. What are your stories? What are the things you keep telling yourself? Put them on paper and dare to question them. Ask yourself if you can really know these stories are objectively true because a lot of times we have old wounds and painful perceptions about ourselves because of old subconscious trauma that we're carrying from childhood.

00:11:37:21 - 00:11:56:12
Thais
And what we end up doing is we project the old stuff onto the present and we believe that everything's all our fault because maybe we felt like that sometimes as a kid, or we believe that we aren't good enough because maybe we grew up with that wound. So. QUESTION this stuff, can you really know that if you did one thing differently, the relationship would have worked?

00:11:56:14 - 00:12:13:21
Thais
Can you really know that there's not working was about you not being good enough? What about that? The person had the wounds and and that you were trying to date and wasn't ready for the same things that you were ready for? So dare to question these ideas. And the number three we often get stuck on, like focusing on the problem instead of the solution.

00:12:13:21 - 00:12:34:24
Thais
And we don't have a next season of life ready for ourselves. The next mission, vision plan, structure, something to look forward to. It's easier for our brain to go back to what old and what's familiar than investing in what's new and what's in the future for us. And so the more we can map that out, really put like a mission and vision and plan together for the next stage of our life, really hone in on different areas of our lives.

00:12:34:24 - 00:12:52:10
Thais
We can work on, we can improve, we can nourish, we can care for ourselves. The more we do these things, we are going to see momentum. So these are three easy steps you can start off with will definitely help kill that initial sting of the breakup. And the more we focus on ourselves from the inside out, the faster we will build that momentum towards healing.

00:12:52:10 - 00:12:54:11
Thais
Thank you so much for stopping by.