00:00:00:00 - 00:00:42:00
Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School podcast. I'm your host. Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life. So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.
00:00:42:00 - 00:01:06:11
Thais
Have you ever found yourself just about to get into the heat of an argument and really not wanting to get into some kind of explosive fight? Not wanting to push your partner or loved one away, but feeling like it's really hard to navigate this emotional and charged terrain where it's like all the things coming to the surface that haven't been talked about and you feel like your feelings are getting hurt or you're getting frustrated.
00:01:06:11 - 00:01:30:01
Thais
And also you're like really wanting the person you love or care for to not get frustrated and hurt and angry. And also understanding the weight of what happens after a big fight and how that can actually wear away at a relationship over time. Well, in this video, I'm going to cover five really important steps you can take to avoid explosive relationship arguments.
00:01:30:03 - 00:01:51:04
Thais
And these steps will help you to learn how to de-escalate the other person that you're in an argument with or on that like clip of the argument with. And it will also allow you to understand what you might need to regulate in the heat of a moment as well. So step number one is one of the best things we can ever do is validate somebody's emotions.
00:01:51:08 - 00:02:06:02
Thais
Now, when we're validating somebody's emotions rate at the heat like rate in the heat of the moment, one of the best thing to do is not to say, like, I see that you're really mad or I see that you need to calm down. We don't want to say it like that. We want to specifically validate the vulnerable emotions that are happening.
00:02:06:04 - 00:02:26:19
Thais
So listen, I see that I'm hurting you right now. I see that you're upset right now. I can totally understand. And when we let somebody know, hey, I see that you're hurt. I see that you're sad. I see that you're frustrated. I get it. And we can in step two here, empathize with their experience. This helps somebody go from like a ten to a two very fast.
00:02:26:21 - 00:02:43:09
Thais
Now, you might be like, How do I know this? How can I speak on behalf of all these different couples? Because I worked with couples in counseling sessions for years and years, and I would see this pattern play out time and time again. We're in the heat of the moment. It wouldn't even have to be the partner validating the other partner who was maybe getting angry emotions.
00:02:43:11 - 00:03:04:03
Thais
I could do it and it would help everybody really calm down. And so I got really good at that and I felt like, honestly, it was like waving a magic wand to really help somebody feel seen and heard and validated, and it would really soothe them quite quickly. And it goes a very, very long way. Now, there is one exception I want to speak to, which is our dismissive avoidance, because sometimes they don't want to feel their own emotions.
00:03:04:05 - 00:03:23:00
Thais
If you validate to specific emotion or to too much of their vulnerable emotion, they may feel a little bit shy about it. So with dismissive avoidance, you might say, I see that you're really uncomfortable right now, and I get it. I see that you're a little bit upset right now, and I understand why. So you want to sort of approach it from a more surface perspective.
00:03:23:00 - 00:03:46:05
Thais
But if it's a fearful, avoidance, anxious, preoccupied or securely attached individuals, they tend to respond best to the emotions. I see that you're hurt. I see that you're sad. I see why you'd be sad. So it's really like step one, validate the emotion. Step two, let them know you understand why they're upset. Now, step three, I will say a couple of things here.
00:03:46:10 - 00:04:05:22
Thais
If you don't know why they're upset, you can still ask for more clarification, right? So you can say I get it. I still want to understand more why you're upset. And like, if you can explain more to me, I want to hear you out. And that can be very beneficial if you don't actually know why they're upset. But saying like I empathize with your perspective is really important.
00:04:05:24 - 00:04:29:03
Thais
Another sort of caveat here. I just as we're pausing at step three, is that sometimes you might be watching this video or you might be in a position where you're like, but I'm not okay with how they're acting. And I really want to be clear that we can validate people's emotions without validating their behaviors. So if somebody is raising their voice and let's say somebody were to raise their voice at me in a counseling session with couples, right?
00:04:29:03 - 00:04:48:03
Thais
So let's say I'm with a couple, they get mad at me. Then they're like, You're always taking her side. Let's just pretend that happens, right? I would say to that person, I'd be like, Hey, I see that you're hurting right now. I see that you're upset, and I definitely understand why, and I want to hear you out. I want to talk more about this with you, but it can't be when you're raising your voice at me like that.
00:04:48:03 - 00:05:20:09
Thais
So I need you to, like, sit with me, be with me, get a little more present. Know that I'm here to help you out, and then we can hash this out together. So in that case, you can validate somebody's emotions without validating, like, how they're acting or their behaviors. And that allows you to still have your individual established emotional domain without feeling like you get into a situation where you're making things that are not okay with you, okay, but also without feeling like you are by setting a boundary, going to escalate the argument or fight.
00:05:20:09 - 00:05:24:14
Thais
Right. And that's like the big purpose here. We're trying to keep things calm and in a good spot.
00:05:24:14 - 00:05:47:06
Thais
Though, I have some exciting news, which is that we are doing $1,000 off of our lifetime membership sale to the personal development School, which means you get access to literally everything at PDS for your entire rest of your life. Essentially, that entails all of our different courses. You have lifetime access to. I do four life webinars a week every single week.
00:05:47:07 - 00:06:05:17
Thais
You can access them on going and you get access to all of our daily community events permanently. So literally access to everything at the PDS platform forever. And if you're looking to find a community, you're looking to connect with like minded people who are also working on their relationships, care about emotional connection and healing. We've got all those different events.
00:06:05:17 - 00:06:29:15
Thais
And if you just want the security of that ongoing support and connection whenever you need it, that's just on demand that is there for you. We have that 24/7 sort of component because you can post in our specific chat channels, connect with our community members, and we literally have so many people from across the world supporting each other, helping each other out, and most importantly, really becoming securely attached and seeing the results.
00:06:29:19 - 00:06:37:06
Thais
So I'd love to see you on the other side and you can access it by using the link in the description box below.
00:06:37:06 - 00:06:53:11
Thais
So step number three, we just covered and it's still like asked to explain more if needed. Step number four, let them know that you're not the enemy. Okay? So we're kind of like just modeled that out a moment ago, but you can love a person like, hey, I'm not here.
00:06:53:12 - 00:07:12:21
Thais
Like to be an enemy. I'm not here against you. I'm here for you. I'm here for us. I'm here for us to work through this together. I want us to get on the same page here. Like I know we can talk this out together. So by really, like, validating that you're on their team, you're on their side. It's so sad because couples, like, when they get so heated, they can love each other so much.
00:07:12:21 - 00:07:27:15
Thais
They can care about each other so much. But in the heat of the moment, sometimes it can hurt that much more because the person that you're supposed to love and care about and vice versa feels like when they don't understand you that it's like a betrayal. Like, how could you not understand me? How could you not be on my team here?
00:07:27:15 - 00:07:47:24
Thais
And so then we can escalate more by somebody reminding us, Hey, I am here with you. We may be having a disagreement, we may be confused together right now, but I'm here for you. I'm here with you. Let's figure this out together. That connective language and that reminder can help us really let our walls down again and get back to vulnerability.
00:07:47:24 - 00:08:06:01
Thais
And it's from a place of vulnerability that we solve arguments. So approaching it from that perspective is very valuable. And when I tell you step number five and before I do, I want to let you know that if you want to do a much deeper dive into this, this methodology comes from a course that I have called how to Repair any relationship.
00:08:06:01 - 00:08:29:10
Thais
And that course covers a lot about like how to de-escalate, how to work through hard things, how to have tough conversations in a meaningful and constructive way, how to get your relationship off the rocks and back into like smooth waters again, how to understand what one another needs in order to get there and how to operate and show up and do those things in a healthy way that also considers our individual boundaries and domain.
00:08:29:12 - 00:08:49:22
Thais
Okay, so step number five, ask what they need to feel resolved, and I'll say, fine, be is once this is resolved. So once you can ask what they need you to take yourself into consideration, see if that's a fit for you or what it is like. If somebody says, Give me all the money from your bank account, you might be like, No, but I can lend you five bucks if you need it.
00:08:49:22 - 00:09:09:14
Thais
Like, you know, you have to figure out like what's what you can do that's fair to you as well. And then you can rotate that entire process and reuse that process to deescalate yourself. To ask for validation of your feelings, your perspective, ask, Hey, if you were in my position, could you see how this would hurt me? Can you understand where I'm coming from?
00:09:09:19 - 00:09:29:00
Thais
Ask for that empathy, right? And then say like, Hey, I want to know that we're on the same team. Like, can you let me know? Like, you're here? You want to work this out with me and then share what you need? Ask them to understand and then ask that person what they need as well. So this process, like through those steps, can be utilized for you to de-escalate somebody else.
00:09:29:06 - 00:09:47:23
Thais
Or if you're working with somebody who's a little less emotionally aware, like your loved one or partner or family member who may not know as much about this stuff, you can guide them to those steps by communicating and leading with those steps and sharing what you need at each of those steps to feel resolved.
