00:00:00:00 - 00:00:42:00
Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School podcast. I'm your host. Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life. So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.
00:00:42:00 - 00:01:17:16
Thais
I want to talk to you a little bit about how a secure person would communicate to a partner if they needed support. I find that a lot of different individuals didn't have a lot of secure modeling growing up from their parents or caregivers. So of course that creates the insecure attachment style and it becomes kind of difficult to know like what the right or wrong thing is to do if we don't have a lot of modeling in our upbringing and of course, a lot of the resources we do get in terms of what teaches us about relationships is from like the media or like romantic comedies or movies or television shows, which usually has a
00:01:17:16 - 00:01:42:19
Thais
lot to do with like love bombing and, you know, these sort of dramatic outcomes without proper communication, without proper understanding and validating of each other's feelings perspectives. So anyways, I'm going to be doing this whole series basically to to try to provide some educational insight into what a securely attached cell would do. If it's something you want some modeling for, if you want access to resources about communication, you can check out our communication script.
00:01:42:19 - 00:02:02:20
Thais
Of course, it has a sexy situation document that talks about all different types of situations. Different insecure attachment cells are exposed just like an app communicating with the day about meeting more connection, a day communicating with an FAA about needing space like all these different dynamics. And there's actually scripts lined out there for you that talk about the key points, the needs.
00:02:02:23 - 00:02:31:24
Thais
You can download it, you can check it out. It can really help you with communication. And we also have programs for every single attachment cell with like step by step directions that will actually help you reprogram your attachment style. Recondition Healing is reconditioning, right? We get conditioned with this idea is these beliefs that I'm not good enough to believe that I'll be abandoned and conditioning those away into a much healthier format of like, Hey, you know, it's possible for relationships to end, but also I'm worthy of love.
00:02:31:25 - 00:02:50:21
Thais
Like, So anyways, there's all these tools for reconditioning, for healing, for communication, for boundaries. So with that being said, I know it's vulnerable to to communicate. I know it can be like really scary when we start communicating. So this can also be something as it give, be some steps and ideas to work towards that you can ease into over time, right?
00:02:50:21 - 00:03:06:22
Thais
That you can move towards slowly. I remember my first time when I was fearful about it and really opening up about a feeling and, you know, something I needed and just being so afraid and doing it consciously and just being like, my gosh, this is terrifying. So you can warm up to it. You can do it over time.
00:03:06:22 - 00:03:35:07
Thais
You can always reprogram your fears about communicating, right? So what you make communication mean For me, for example, I made it mean, well, I'll be weak or I'll be powerless if I share my needs. Somebody else or I'm vulnerable to somebody else. They have power over me. And really that just comes from like usually seeing a lot of modeling and relationships that are the modeling of the power struggle and relationships and not realizing that a relationship outside of the power struggle as to people that are communicating vulnerably and willing to support each other.
00:03:35:09 - 00:03:52:19
Thais
And it's not about giving power away, but actually gaining a sense of personal empowerment through interdependence, through being able to ask for support and have that extra support to sort of build you up and to be able to give back to yourself as well. So it's not a mutually exclusive thing. We tend to get more empowerment through healthy relationships.
00:03:52:19 - 00:04:15:09
Thais
Though, I have some exciting news, which is that we are doing $1,000 off of our lifetime membership sale to the personal development School, which means you get access to literally everything at PDS for your entire rest of your life. Essentially, that entails all of our different courses. You have lifetime access to. I do four life webinars a week every single week.
00:04:15:09 - 00:04:33:21
Thais
You can access them on going and you get access to all of our daily community events permanently. So literally access to everything at the PDS platform forever. And if you're looking to find a community, you're looking to connect with like minded people who are also working on their relationships, care about emotional connection and healing. We've got all those different events.
00:04:33:21 - 00:04:57:19
Thais
And if you just want the security of that ongoing support and connection whenever you need it, that's just on demand that is there for you. We have that 24/7 sort of component because you can post in our specific chat channels, connect with our community members, and we literally have so many people from across the world supporting each other, helping each other out, and most importantly, really becoming securely attached and seeing the results.
00:04:57:23 - 00:05:05:24
Thais
So I'd love to see you on the other side and you can access it by using the link in the description box below.
00:05:05:24 - 00:05:26:04
Thais
the first thing that a secure person would do if they needed support is they would actually feel a sense of confidence in asking for their needs. So generally people who are securely attached feel worthy of their needs and a lot of it's because of their outbreak and that when they needed something and did bring it up, it was usually facilitated in a healthy way or negotiated in a healthy way.
00:05:26:04 - 00:05:45:03
Thais
So there's a sense of confidence and worthiness of having a need. And so then the securely attached person proceeds to usually share exactly what they're needing and why they're needing it. And they'll tend to do this to give context to the other person, right? So it could be something in the relationship or it could be something outside of the relationship.
00:05:45:03 - 00:06:16:18
Thais
They may need more physical affection in the relationship or they may need more reassurance because they're having a hard time at work. Right. But they would tend to communicate very specifically what they need support about and why. And then their next step is they will also do this from a place of not being overly attached to outcomes. So they're more like out there looking for support and and receiving and appreciating the support that comes in, but not expecting their partner to be perfect at doing it.
00:06:16:20 - 00:06:33:13
Thais
The reason we tend to put really high expectations on people outside of us in relationships to do things for us is usually because we feel disempowered. To give those things to the relationship to ourselves. So often if you're like, I really need this person to give me reassurance, I ask for it, and then they don't say it exactly the way that you want them to.
00:06:33:16 - 00:06:53:16
Thais
That tends to be a symptom when you're like really frustrated about that of you really having like a hole in your own bucket of self reassurance, right? Usually maybe there's an imbalance between having a lot more self criticisms than reassurance in relationship to self. And so what you'll see is in the moment somebody gets it wrong outside of you by not speaking to exactly how you would need them to.
00:06:53:18 - 00:07:12:01
Thais
We tend to place basically higher expectations on people outside of us when we're disempowered inside of us first because we don't know how to do it. So you better do it for me and don't make any mistakes because I'm already running on empty, right? So it's this sort of dynamic at a subconscious level. And so there tends to be like this dynamic of not having too many expectations or attachments.
00:07:12:04 - 00:07:34:14
Thais
And then also there is this willingness to receive, right? Even if it's imperfect, you just receive support to know that the person's trying to be able to see that, validate it, feel it, let it land. And then last but not least, the securely attached person tends to give very, very specific ideas for what they're needing. So this really attached person might say, You know, I need some words about affirmation, I need physical touch.
00:07:34:14 - 00:07:55:23
Thais
For me, that's holding more often. That's like physical affection when we're sitting watching a movie together. Or they might say, I need consistency. And that looks like calling back more frequently and more often, or that looks like following through with plans or that looks like consistency in the way you communicate with me in whatever form that is. They may say, I just need a hug right now.
00:07:55:24 - 00:08:19:27
Thais
They may say I need reassurance. And for me it's about work specifically, or it's about the relationship specifically. So they'll give really specific context. Another place the communication goes wrong for insecurely attached individuals is when they communicate, but they don't get specific enough. And then that can be this sort of like double edged sword where it's like you communicate, you think you're doing the work to be vulnerable, but you weren't specific enough, and then your partner didn't really understand exactly what you really needed.
00:08:19:29 - 00:08:39:03
Thais
And so then they proceeded to give you the wrong thing and then you feel like you're rejected. And this is something I would see happen so often in couples relationships. And it's something that can really be solved by being clear, by being specific and then I said, last but not least, but this is actually last but not least and then following through.
00:08:39:03 - 00:09:00:09
Thais
Okay, You know, if you tell somebody something once, but it's not in the norm of the relationship to be doing that, then don't be afraid to ask them again for the same thing, you know, a few days later or a week later. And to remind and to reinforce because we have to really see our needs through in order for both parties in a relationship to sort of get programed into the idea of meeting those needs.
00:09:00:09 - 00:09:21:16
Thais
So to be able to go, okay, my partner really needs this on a consistent basis. Okay, great, I can show up for it. And I'm learning that. And part of the relationships and communication is, is that learning of each other, right? Is that ability to discuss things openly, transparently and consistently until that becomes that set point for the relationship, until that becomes the new normal.
