00;00;00;02 - 00;00;09;18
Erika
The reason why I personally feel like this is the key to happiness is because it is the reminder that healing is simpler than we think it is.
Right? We kind of have this idea that healing is actually really complicated, but it's not as complicated as we make it out to be.
And the more that we kind of understand the nervous system, the easier it is to understand how to control ourselves, our minds and our body.
Right.
we have so much opportunity there to heal.

00;00;30;06 - 00;00;37;12
Erika
I think that the more that you really understand the basics of the nervous system, the more that those tools actually start to work.

00;00;37;12 - 00;01;31;02
Thais
Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I am so excited you are here. I am your co-host, Thais Gibson, along with our new special host, Mike Vizio. This is a podcast that discusses everything related to integrated attachment theory. The New attachment theory, along with the subconscious mind relationships, communication needs boundaries and so much more. Throughout this podcast, you'll see a series of episodes I upload with new information, educational tips, all about how to thrive in relationships and really master your emotional state in your life, along with special guests hosted by Mike Zito to discuss all of these amazing topics and longer form content. Thank you so much for being here and I really hope you enjoy this episode.

00;01;31;02 - 00;01;48;18
Mike
My guest today is a mindset and leadership coach whose purpose is to help empower others with the tools to live their most fulfilled life. She's a validation queen and a hype woman that helps people go on to achieve things they didn't know her possible. If you decide to follow her on Instagram, it does come with a warning. It says warning.

00;01;48;18 - 00;02;03;03
Mike
If you follow me for too long, I will brainwash you into believing you are more than worthy of love and success. Personal Development School podcast listeners and viewers. I'd like to introduce my guest, Erika Hartmann. Hello, Erika. How are you?

00;02;03;06 - 00;02;04;19
Erika
Hi, I'm good. How are you.

00;02;04;19 - 00;02;07;17
Mike
Doing? Very good. Thank you so much for being here today.

00;02;07;20 - 00;02;09;03
Erika
Thank you so much for having me.

00;02;09;07 - 00;02;17;27
Mike
For sure. So just to start off for any of our viewers who don't know you, if you could spend a few moments letting us know who you are and what you do and maybe a bit of your backstory.

00;02;18;01 - 00;02;49;12
Erika
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So my name is Erika and I am a life and mindset coach. And just like it was introduced earlier, my deepest passion and greatest joy in life is to help empower people with the tools to live their most fulfilled life. A little bit of backstory about me, I guess demographically, I'm 32 years old. I live in Arizona and I have been helping people in a transitionary period of their life to help them get from one place to the other.

00;02;49;15 - 00;03;00;22
Erika
For about a decade now, I just for the past year and some change started doing my own thing. And that brings me to being here on this podcast. And thank you so much again for having me.

00;03;00;27 - 00;03;20;25
Mike
Of course. Thank you. So as you can see, like a lot of people get into coaching, personal growth, work, healing work, helping others because of their own sort of personal life struggles and then triumphs. Was that the case for you? Was there some rocky roads before? Were there some issues that you had to overcome to now be able to sort of share with everybody else?

00;03;20;27 - 00;03;52;29
Erika
Yeah, absolutely. That's a great question. And I think that that's that's totally spot on. You know, I always wanted to help people. But as for, you know, what I'm doing now, it definitely took some some challenging life moments to kind of get me here as well, besides the professional things that I was doing. You know, to be totally frank, there was a moment of my life where I kind of realized I had lived about a year, you know, kind of living for other people, the approval of other people.

00;03;53;01 - 00;04;19;06
Erika
I had made some pretty big life choices, like getting married, moving across the country, changing careers, not because I truly wanted to do those things, but because those were the things that I thought that I was supposed to be doing. And this big moment hit me. And it was a it was a pretty big freak out moment. I kind of thought that was rock bottom for me.

00;04;19;09 - 00;04;38;21
Erika
And there was definitely some moments after that that took me some time to figure out how to get my feet underneath me. But really, you know that the biggest catalyst for getting me here was the fact that, you know, I'm 32 years old. I think I lived, yeah, eight or more years of my life, pretty much dedicated to trying to make other people happy.

00;04;38;28 - 00;05;01;16
Erika
And so, yeah, I finally said no more. And I wanted to learn how to choose myself. And now I really enjoy teaching other people how to do that. I think that that's something that people really struggle with. Everybody's kind of got a lot of noise in their head, whether that's from other people or from themselves. yeah. You know, through my own experiences and what I've learned, Yeah, it's nice to help people through that moment.

00;05;01;16 - 00;05;08;20
Erika
So they hopefully don't have eight full years living another life. They don't want to live with it.

00;05;08;22 - 00;05;32;18
Mike
I just want unpack that a little bit. Was it a slow build up where you were starting to feel like, Hey, this doesn't feel right, but maybe ignoring and just being like, Hey, be quiet, body signals. We have everything that you're supposed to have, or we have the husband, we have the place, the career. Was it a slow build of just the body, maybe quietly whispering to you, Hey, I don't know about this to finally just screaming at you.

00;05;32;18 - 00;05;33;13
Mike
This is not you.

00;05;33;13 - 00;06;04;02
Erika
Get out 100%. Yeah, Yeah, I thought that. Really? Well, really well said. Yeah. It was definitely a super slow build. So much so that it was almost unnoticeable. Right. And we're kind of all conditioned in some way or another, too, to shut out that noise, Right? Especially if we're living this culturally accepted life or doing these things that people see as successful, like getting married or, you know, changing jobs or whatever, you know, you're celebrated for these things.

00;06;04;02 - 00;06;17;29
Erika
And so it kind of gaslights you in a way. You're like, well, this is right. That noise, that's that voice that's telling me that I shouldn't do this. That's that's actually wrong. I should be doing. Yeah.

00;06;18;01 - 00;06;33;11
Mike
Good for you for listening to it. And yeah, I could see how society sometimes would almost feel like, how dare you complain? Like me? People would love to have a partner, know, would love to have a career like you. Do you have food, you have shelter, you have all these things. So probably a party that feels a bit guilty about I should be happy.

00;06;33;11 - 00;06;37;02
Mike
But but I'm not. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;06;37;04 - 00;06;37;28
Erika
Absolutely.

00;06;38;04 - 00;07;00;29
Mike
Totally, totally. Okay, So I know in one of your posts, you talked about how spirituality was a really big helper for you, and it was kind of surprising you didn't think that was sort of going to be something that helped you so much. What we have different people say what different spirituality means to them. What would you say spirituality means to you, and what was your version that sort of helped you so much during this period?

00;07;01;01 - 00;07;30;00
Erika
Yeah, this was so surprising for me because, you know, I really wasn't connected to being religious growing up in any way. And then, you know, I think that I started to realize that I could define spirituality for myself. And, you know, I've experienced a lot of things in my life that are really challenging. And I don't mean this in a toxic way, but spirituality kind of has given a lot of the pain in my life purpose.

00;07;30;02 - 00;08;04;27
Erika
For example, when I was 18, I lost my boyfriend. He passed away. I don't mean we broke up. He he passed away from a drug overdose. I don't literally mean that happen for a reason, but I mean, I was able to pull lessons from this really challenging thing that happened in my life, and now I can hopefully help others through that time that there's like a purpose for these things that happen in understanding and a faith and a trust in that, you know, not in that, you know, the death happened for a reason, but that like how this is going to hopefully have a ripple effect in my life and hopefully I can help other

00;08;04;27 - 00;08;29;04
Erika
people through this. You know, that that kind of helps me hold on to something greater. I mean, I didn't really have that before, you know, And as I think I started to get to a darker place in my life, closer to a rock bottom or like a Dark Knight of the Soul type of thing, I started to really realize the importance of that, you know, And that keeps us all really connected as a people, as beings, as human beings.

00;08;29;04 - 00;08;48;01
Erika
It's the thing that keeps us connected in that sense. So yeah, I love that and I really appreciate it deciding that for myself. My biggest takeaway, honestly, is that spirituality is like you need it to be and to define it for your self. Yeah, So I did that to kind of help myself get through some dark times because I needed to have faith in something.

00;08;48;06 - 00;08;59;08
Erika
And I really know what my life was going to look like. I was struggling financially and health wise and didn't really know what to grab on to. And that that definitely helped.

00;08;59;11 - 00;09;18;01
Mike
Wow, I love that so much. That's really inspiring. If anybody's going through tough times right now, that would probably be helpful to hear. So would you say the faith in knowing things are put in front of you for a reason? There will be some growth in this. There will be something that will get you through this. And then on the other side, you're so much better for it.

00;09;18;03 - 00;09;38;28
Mike
Sometimes I say even you shouldn't wish for a life of ease because there's no sort of growth and learning and resilience built into that. So of course we don't wish for bad things to happen. But the simple fact is things do happen and we can either grow and learn and evolve for it or we can sort of, you know, be a bit victim mentality and not grow at all from it.

00;09;38;29 - 00;09;48;20
Mike
And it sounds like with your spirituality and camp there and you chose to let it define you and help you grow. So that's amazing. Congratulations.

00;09;48;23 - 00;09;53;05
Erika
Thank you. Yeah. And that was about that for sure. Absolutely.

00;09;53;08 - 00;10;05;04
Mike
What are some of the most common issues in your practice, in your private coaching practice? What are some of the most common issues that people come to you with and why do you think those issues are such a common struggle for so many people these days?

00;10;05;06 - 00;10;30;15
Erika
That's a great question. I think the most common thing that I see people struggle with is shutting out the noise. They really understand that they're there in their own way, that what they believe is possible, whether that's like coming from a parent figure or a past experience or whatever, that their limiting beliefs are impacting what they think is possible for their life.

00;10;30;18 - 00;10;50;09
Erika
And, you know, that could be stemming from a really hard moment in their life. You know, whatever it is, they they feel like they're stuck and they know where they want to go, but they do not know how to get there. And so I help guide them through that transition and provide them with the tools that they need to get there.

00;10;50;09 - 00;11;09;22
Erika
So that way, once they're in that place, they can stay in that place and keep going for their next goal. You know, this can be anything in in terms of a job, a relationship, the way that we feel about ourselves. So really, anything that life can encompass, you know, we kind of our own biggest barrier. Yeah.

00;11;09;24 - 00;11;28;27
Mike
That sounds so valuable what you do for people, because I've had so many moments in my life or I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I just started getting really down on myself. But I don't think I because of those limiting beliefs, as you mentioned, you don't even give yourself the opportunity to start a dream or pick a path that you really would want to do.

00;11;28;29 - 00;11;49;08
Mike
So it's really amazing how you help people sort of remove those limiting beliefs or at least identify them. Then you know what your work in and you can start to work on those. So that's amazing to do that. So aside from being a mindset leadership coach, you are called a validation queen and hype woman, which I love those titles for people who want to work with you.

00;11;49;09 - 00;12;01;24
Mike
Why would you say having a validation queen and a hype woman is such a benefit? And why aren't people validating and hyping themselves up so what is it that you bring that they sometimes cannot bring to themselves?

00;12;01;26 - 00;12;23;10
Erika
This is such a good question. We're all deeply in need of this, that's for sure. You know, word we're not taught to validate ourselves. We're we're taught to validate other people. We are not taught to celebrate ourselves. I mean, we're taught maybe when we achieve something really big, like going to a high school graduation or whatever, that's when we celebrate.

00;12;23;16 - 00;12;48;05
Erika
But we don't really celebrate ourselves. We don't validate ourselves, and we're not taught that from from a young age. But it's really powerful, right? There's lots of studies that kind of talk about the difference between positively reinforcing something and negatively reinforcing something, right? So validation kind of falls into that positive reinforcement category, right? Like we need to hear that the things that we're doing that are working are working, and that those are it right.

00;12;48;05 - 00;13;08;17
Erika
It doesn't mean that we're void of giving ourself constructive feedback. So we continue to grow. It's just that our brains and bodies need to hear that the effort that we are putting in is a good thing so we can continue to do those things. So that's how we make change, right? We kind of need to have that positive reinforcement, almost like this is going to be such a crazy example.

00;13;08;18 - 00;13;24;17
Erika
But that reward system with the dog and it's free, right? Okay, so the dog sits and then you give the dog a treat. Well, now the dog always wants to sit because it wants to get a treat. If we treat our brains nicely, we treat our bodies nicely. We give them that positive reinforcement. We want to keep doing new and good things.

00;13;24;17 - 00;13;53;25
Erika
And so validation is so important. You know, I didn't grow up with a lot of that. I felt like that was pretty void in school for me, in my house growing up, not out completely, just in the ways that I probably really needed to hear it and the things that I needed to really be validated for. So I'm especially sensitive to, you know, making sure to validate other people and teaching people how to validate themselves, because I think we fall into this trap of looking for so much external validation.

00;13;53;27 - 00;14;18;17
Erika
Yeah, like falls back into that category of really not choosing ourselves and living a life for other people, right? We have to learn how to be enough for ourselves and that kind of starts with learning how to validate ourselves and pump ourselves up and be our best friends. And so we need an example of somebody in our life doing that, a voice that like we can kind of grab on to and run with.

00;14;18;19 - 00;14;30;17
Erika
And yeah, that's what I do. I teach people how to do that so that way they can be their cheerleader or they can be their own hype. WOMAN It's not. So you always need me in your corner and so you can be your own best friend.

00;14;30;20 - 00;14;49;17
Mike
Right? I love so much about what you just said there, but one of the things that popped in my mind of how important this is is like like you said and myself as well, I didn't get a ton of validation from parents growing up a little bit. They're great people, but I think they didn't really reinforce the things that I was doing well.

00;14;49;17 - 00;15;09;27
Mike
So I was very confused at what were they even good at? What should I be doing? You hear the story sometimes from people. yeah, My grade three teacher really praised my writing or my drawing, and just that one moment literally shaped the rest of their career and they went into it and they can think back to that one time the person actually stopped giving them recognition.

00;15;09;29 - 00;15;23;22
Mike
So just think if you have someone doing that all the time, like I'm getting chills from it. Now, if you have somebody doing that all the time and not just blowing smoke up your butt, but literally telling you what you know, you were really good at this. I could just imagine I would have such an impact on someone.

00;15;23;25 - 00;15;40;28
Erika
I couldn't agree more. I'm thinking of this person in my life, which is so funny. It just like you were like everybody has one person or you have a great teacher. I also had a teacher. I also had somebody in my life. Anyway, so it's so funny cause I was picturing that exact person for me as well. Yeah, yeah.

00;15;41;00 - 00;15;51;08
Erika
Such a light, sweet moment, face down and somebody in your life kind of turns on your light. You're like, Wait. okay, this is good. I'm good. Yeah.

00;15;51;10 - 00;16;09;12
Mike
And yeah. So if you've never had that teacher moment and Erica's here to give that to you, so. Yeah. Yeah, that's wonderful. Awesome. So we know one of your purpose is to help people lead their best. Their best life, become their best selves, best version of themselves. Why do you think so many people are not being their best selves?

00;16;09;12 - 00;16;17;00
Mike
Is it just fear limiting beliefs? We touched on it before, but what do you think the reason people aren't fully realizing their potential?

00;16;17;03 - 00;16;41;15
Erika
I think the reality is, is that when we decide or think about this dream life that we have, we a wonder if we're worthy of that life and then be for some people that, you know, maybe want to live a more untraditional life or do different things that maybe aren't approved by their family. They have a lot of fear around these things because that also is the lot of fear of rejection, Right?

00;16;41;15 - 00;17;01;02
Erika
So now we're going out and embarking on doing what we really want to do. But now all these people that are in our life may not approve of these choices that we're making. And so now we have a whole nother different battle, and we're not sure if that battle is worth it. Right. We're not sure if that, you know, argument or conversation with mom and dad if that's worth it.

00;17;01;08 - 00;17;20;21
Erika
And and, you know, we kind of just stop in our tracks and settle and we're like, I'm comfortable here. This is safe. You're right. This is predictable. And that's just the reality, right? Our brains like predictable. We like safe, we like comfortable. And when we think about doing big, scary things, we come up with a lot of reasons not to do it.

00;17;20;28 - 00;17;26;16
Erika
Instead of all presents to do it right. That fear is really the root of all of that.

00;17;26;16 - 00;17;47;08
Mike
All definitely. Obviously it would be nice to have family and friends support for every single thing you do, but you definitely have to go against that sort of programing and like follow, follow your guide, follow your intuition and do what makes you happy. I remember being really annoyed by trying to explain to people why I'm doing what I'm doing.

00;17;47;08 - 00;18;02;02
Mike
So you're talking to maybe people who I don't want to call them narrow minded, but they seem kind of narrow minded and they just cannot, for the life of them, see why you would want to do that. And then I would get really annoyed at it explaining you think for those people you even need to explain what you're doing?

00;18;02;02 - 00;18;11;28
Mike
Or is it more of a yourself thing where you're like, you're so you're happy with what you're doing? You know, it brings you a lot of joy. So really, it doesn't matter what anybody really says.

00;18;12;00 - 00;18;20;04
Erika
Yeah, I think that's a good question to be asking, especially around the holidays. You know, people are asked a lot of uncomfortable questions in.

00;18;20;04 - 00;18;22;15
Mike
Front of it, in front of everybody, for sure.

00;18;22;19 - 00;18;46;01
Erika
Yeah, Yeah, totally. And, you know, I think a part of of accepting yourself or being the best version of yourself is kind of learning, you know? Yeah. To stand up strong in those moments. Right. And yet you don't need to overexplain yourself. There's a quote. I don't know who it's biased. I don't want to say who it's by, but it's something to the extent of over.

00;18;46;01 - 00;19;23;16
Erika
Explaining yourself is a great way to be misunderstood. And I think that that's really important to think about when you are maybe communicating with people who you see as a little bit more narrow minded and especially find that you're maybe a little bit more vulnerable or a sensitive at this time, like say what you want to say, you know, and redirect the question or redirect the situation or say thank you so much for your your interest in this chair a sentence and that you know, and then ask somebody how their day was or about how their nephew is or, you know, whatever we don't I think it's okay to be conscious of who we share

00;19;23;16 - 00;19;46;04
Erika
energy with and who we share share things with, you know, And if you want to explain something to somebody, then maybe taking the time prior to that conversation to figure out exactly what you do want to share and how you want to share it and prefacing prior to the conversation or comments saying like, Hey, I'm looking for you to be supportive prior to me sharing this, this is really important to me.

00;19;46;04 - 00;19;55;19
Erika
And I know you may not approve of this, but I really need your support right now and then sharing whatever it is that you want to share. I don't know if that answered your question or not.

00;19;55;21 - 00;20;13;09
Mike
But it was all very informative and helpful, and I love that saying where you're letting them know, Hey, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone here and I'm really hoping you can just support me and what I'm going to share with you. How can anybody, if you're vulnerably opening up like that and letting me know that this is hard for you to talk about unless they're really kind.

00;20;13;09 - 00;20;31;10
Mike
I mean, people are don't like you. I don't think they're going to judge you really negatively for what you're going to tell them. Yeah, I don't think too, that also you never know what the reaction is going to be. So sometimes we judge ourselves and then we're thinking, I'm not going to say anything because I know everyone's going to be like, what are you doing?

00;20;31;10 - 00;20;47;10
Mike
This is crazy. When really, we haven't even given it a chance. If we explain it, some of some family members might be like, Wow, that's amazing. How did you come up with that? So I think we also have to prove to our self first that we're okay with it and we're comfortable with it and then share it with others as well.

00;20;47;12 - 00;20;47;24
Mike
yeah.

00;20;47;24 - 00;20;49;18
Erika
I think that that was well said for sure.

00;20;49;21 - 00;20;55;23
Mike
For sure. Yeah, I remember the question, but we, we, we brought up some good points there for sure.

00;20;55;23 - 00;21;15;16
Speaker 1
I just want to jump in here and let you know that we are doing a 14 day free trial, which means you get access to the personal department, school and everything we have going on on the other side for free for 14 days. That means you get access to the four live webinars I do every single week. You can come in, you can ask me questions with your camera on.

00;21;15;16 - 00;21;41;14
Speaker 1
We can chat. You can leave your camera off if you prefer, or type your questions in the chat. There's lots of opportunity to get your questions answered and on top of that you get access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame, learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward.

00;21;41;17 - 00;22;00;25
Speaker 1
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00;22;00;25 - 00;22;19;09
Speaker 1
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00;22;19;10 - 00;22;25;04
Speaker 1
Come check it out. See if it's a book for you. I'd love to see you there.

00;22;25;04 - 00;22;41;27
Mike
Before the podcast you talked and we talked about that you have this ability to really be able to hold space for people and they share that they can really open up to you and they share really vulnerable stuff with you and maybe stuff that they don't always share with with anybody else.

00;22;41;29 - 00;23;02;13
Mike
Is is that something sort of inborn that you've always had the ability where people just want to share things with you, You have this sort of presence that allows them to do that, or is that something along your journey in your coaching and whatnot, that you sort of develop the skill to be able to hold space for people and create an environment where they feel safe enough to share?

00;23;02;15 - 00;23;27;17
Erika
I think a little bit of both. I would say first and foremost, I really do care and I think people feel that. But, you know, when somebody on the other end of a conversation is is really present and really they're with you and I really am. So that's that's first of all, I would say, you know, what what the innate part of me is, is that I'm definitely a highly sensitive person.

00;23;27;19 - 00;23;50;03
Erika
So I would say I'm pretty intuitive in general, and I'm I'm good at reading people's emotions, towns, body language, etc., which is helpful because people want to feel seen. You know, they don't want to have to say every little thing. They just want to share a story and then have somebody understand it. And so, yeah, I'm I'm very good at doing that.

00;23;50;03 - 00;24;10;06
Erika
And then, yeah, throughout my my life experience, I think that I've rounded that skill out and I've had many people help teach me how to be a better listener. I mean, that's the reality is communicating and listening is definitely a skill. You know, there's parts of it that you bring to the table as to who you are as a person, But everybody can learn to be a better communicator.

00;24;10;06 - 00;24;25;18
Erika
Everybody can learn to be a better listener. And I feel very grateful to have interacted with, you know, other professionals in the field that I have that have taught me a lot of the things that I know now and yeah, so, you know, a little bit of a combination of of both. I would say.

00;24;25;20 - 00;24;48;27
Mike
That it's such a gift because myself coming from more of an avoiding background, suppressing emotions and one of the core wounds, I was like, I am defective. So to share something with someone, you really don't want to bring up somebody judging you and then making you feel you're defective because you're already feeling that way about yourself. So it's such a gift to have someone to be able to open up to and share those inner thoughts and feelings.

00;24;48;29 - 00;25;08;19
Mike
And even just the simple fact of when you're speaking outside of yourself, you get to see it from a different perspective instead of just having it sort of rattle around in your mind. So having that space to do that with you sounds like super beneficial. And I know that's something that would be helpful for me as well. So that's wonderful.

00;25;08;22 - 00;25;27;27
Mike
Okay, So aside from your career and whatnot with your one on one coaching, I know you also help people in the area of relationships. So I want to know where you one of those lucky unicorns who grew up in a totally secure family and only have had good relationship experiences your whole life or did you have to do a lot?

00;25;27;29 - 00;25;38;03
Mike
I see a lot of things, so maybe not. Or did you have to do a lot of healing on your self in this area of relationships to now know how to guide people?

00;25;38;05 - 00;26;07;08
Erika
Yeah, that's a great question. Now I did, and I grew up in a secure household. If my parents end up listening to this, they're going to be like, What does that mean? What is the cure? Now that you know, that was there was a lot of challenges growing up for for me. And yeah, I struggled a lot as a as a kid.

00;26;07;08 - 00;26;36;07
Erika
I'm also adopted. And so there was a little bit of friction growing up, always about feeling really different or like I didn't belong truly, or that I wasn't truly accepted. So obviously that came up in relationship to my unfortunately, it was my very first boyfriend that passed away from the drug overdose that definitely didn't contribute to me having a secure attachment style after that.

00;26;36;14 - 00;27;18;11
Erika
That definitely was challenging. Yeah, I struggled for a while after that. I would say that, you know, I've had some really healthy parts of relationships and every single relationship that I've had, I've definitely walked away being like, That's a lesson that I've learned from that, whether it's something that I'm bringing from my past for my own baggage, from my own attachment style, or it's an an understanding from, you know, the other person that I have that I've been with, you know, also know no perfect home of an example, lots of educating myself and and you know, honestly trying to surround myself with other adults and friends who are also interested in, you know, self-development, personal,

00;27;18;11 - 00;27;36;25
Erika
personal development, understanding of their attachment styles to be able to really grow and change and have that be more a part of my life. Yeah, as much as possible. Because, you know, if you don't surround yourself around it, it's, it's really challenging to kind of change those things that really embedded into, you know, who we are and how we perceive the world.

00;27;36;25 - 00;27;42;07
Erika
And yeah, I think it's important to to have an understanding of ourselves.

00;27;42;09 - 00;28;10;07
Mike
Ashley Thank you for sharing all that was very beneficial. So aside from romantic relationships, we all have our friendships. You wrote a really eye opening post entitled Lessons from a Friendship Breakup, and this post got a lot of engagement, so we know that a lot of people might need some help or have problems in this area. We know during these sort of friendship break ups there can be a lot of guilt, shame, confusion depending on what side of the fence you're on.

00;28;10;07 - 00;28;24;08
Mike
If you're the one who broke up with someone else or if you're the one who was broken up with. Do you want to just share with us some perspectives on these friendship break ups and how we can sort of better navigate them and have better perspectives on them?

00;28;24;11 - 00;28;48;20
Erika
Yeah, this is so hard. It's so interesting because I think friendship, breakups, kind of like the pain of them dwindles a little bit longer. It stings in a different way than the breakup like that in a romantic breakup. And so, yeah, there can be a lot of hard feelings surrounded around it shame, guilt, etc.. I think on both sides, whether you initiate it or you're the person being broken up with.

00;28;48;27 - 00;29;15;07
Erika
I think that those feelings can be present on both both sides. And I think it's important that this is talked about more because this is something that happens. It's not something that's normalized. We watch movies and, you know, hear things and everybody's friends for a long time, except that's not really the way that it is typically speaking. I mean, and if you know somebody that's been friends with their high school friends for 30 years, you're like, well, that's rare, right?

00;29;15;07 - 00;29;42;21
Erika
You're like, my God, that's everybody's situation. So that's kind of crazy to think about that. Everybody has experienced friendship, breakups or separations of some kind in their life, but we don't talk about it. Yeah. And so as this perspective shifts, if you are struggling with a friendship breakup on on either side, you know, if you're the person that is is being broken up with just like with anything, you know, that rejection can be really challenging to feel.

00;29;42;23 - 00;30;02;08
Erika
And it's important to, you know, kind of take this best moment for for yourself. Right. And understand that cliche, quote, that rejection is a little bit of redirection and that it's protection in some way, shape or form. So figuring out which areas this redirecting you, why is this redirecting you and what can you get out of this experience?

00;30;02;08 - 00;30;19;16
Erika
Right. Going back to that beginning thing that we are talking about, is this a good thing in your life? And I say good. Is this a an easier, joyful thing to experience in your life? No. Can you take something from this moment and and grow with it? Yes. And learn something and hopefully be better and happier in the end?

00;30;19;16 - 00;30;37;26
Erika
Yes. It's your decision, right? You kind of get those two paths so you can either kind of become more victim to it or you can figure out what you're going to learn from the experience. And I think that that's a good a good place to to be, because that pause, that love and time and energy back into yourself, which is really should always be the focus anyway.

00;30;38;02 - 00;30;59;17
Erika
And if you broke up with somebody, I want to commend you. I'm sure that that was really challenging. If it took some time to go through and and do that, I hope that that wasn't a rash decision, I guess I should first say. And if it wasn't a rash decision and you really took some time to think about why you don't want this person in your life because they are causing you harm or, you know, whatever it is, I just want to commend you.

00;30;59;17 - 00;31;19;23
Erika
These things are not easy. That's an act of loving yourself and choosing yourself and, you know, hopefully being as alive and with the best version of yourself as possible. And, you know, we kind of all have to make room sometimes to to bring in the new. And so, yeah, just you should pat yourself on on the back for doing something really, really challenging.

00;31;19;28 - 00;31;41;10
Erika
You know both sides are not easy. I've been on both sides. I have 100% friends. So yeah, I know. I can speak personally to both sides and that's what I that would be my advice to both people or what I would say to both people. And if you did do the breakup, you should still figure out what the lesson is in that, because if you were like triggered by this person or this person is really bothering you, what more is it?

00;31;41;10 - 00;31;49;20
Erika
Dig deeper. Right now, it's there's there's something more there that you can learn from that experience, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;31;49;23 - 00;32;11;21
Mike
Yeah. It's kind of takes two to tango. If we say it was all this person causing all the issues in the friendship, then you're probably missing a part of that where you can grow and maybe see a bit of a blind spot on that. Again, just seeing that just, just like romantic relationships, you can either at the end of it, see what growth you got permanent, see where you could have shown up better for next time.

00;32;11;26 - 00;32;37;24
Mike
But if you're just sort of cutting people out and just blaming it on them, that's probably not going too far in life. But excellent. Thank you. Again, that's a topic I think not too many people talk about all the time, but it's an important one. So I move on to one of your posts. You mentioned the key to happiness, and when I clicked further, it was interesting to see that one of the keys to happiness is tied into nervous system regulation.

00;32;37;26 - 00;32;46;27
Mike
Why do you think having a regulated nervous system is the key to happiness? And can you share a tip or a tool with us about nervous system regulation?

00;32;46;29 - 00;32;47;10
Erika
The

00;32;47;10 - 00;33;13;16
Erika
reason why I personally feel like this is the key to happiness is because it is the reminder that healing is simpler than we think it is. Right? We kind of have this idea that healing is actually really complicated, but it's not as complicated as we make it out to be. And the more that we kind of understand the nervous system, the easier it is to understand how to control ourselves, our minds and our body.

00;33;13;16 - 00;33;45;14
Erika
Right. We we have so much opportunity there to to heal. But yeah, so I think that my my tip would be this is like not a specific tip necessarily, but my tip. If you are curious about learning about the nervous system or you're like hearing more about this and you're like, Ooh, I want I want more dive into learning the basics, understand what the nervous system is, understand what those four modes are, understand which one you often go into, like do often go into fight mode.

00;33;45;14 - 00;34;11;28
Erika
You have to go into freeze mode. What do you fall most naturally in and start to understand yourself a little bit more in those moments? And yet I would say that that's the most helpful thing is is really starting to understand that that's step what I want. I mean, there's lots of tools that you can begin to practice at any moment, but I almost feel like it's to be frank, I tried the tools before understanding completely and there was such a disconnect there.

00;34;12;00 - 00;34;28;05
Erika
Personally, I just didn't feel like it was almost like trying to meditate without really having any intention. I just would sit down and I was like, How well how do people do this? And so I think that the more that you really understand the basics of the nervous system, the more that those tools actually start to work.

00;34;28;05 - 00;34;30;13
Erika
Because you're like, Holy crap, this is actually easy.

00;34;30;13 - 00;34;54;26
Erika
I get this that makes sense about why. Why does that work? I would say the tool that I'm most nerding out on now, I hate the cold personally. And I, as I said at the beginning, I live in Arizona. I mean, I have 110 degree days in the summer and I'm like, Cool, yeah, no problem with that. But I want to push my threshold a little bit more for being an uncomfortable ball situations.

00;34;54;29 - 00;35;13;15
Erika
I used to do that a number of years ago in my life. I had a job that professionally would kind of push me into places where I was. You know, being uncomfortable like that. And I know the benefit of it. So I know that I don't like the cold. So I chose to do face ice baths as much as possible.

00;35;13;20 - 00;35;27;22
Erika
So yeah, it's really easy. You just fill a big bowl with a bunch of ice and water and stick your face in it. Take however long you want to go for it, set a timer and then try to increase it and, you know, increase the amount of time that you're able to be uncomfortable.

00;35;27;24 - 00;35;54;29
Mike
I love that. Yeah. So many good things you said there. I love the meditation analogy, too, because personally, I remember when I first learned about meditation, I was reading the 70 plus benefits you get from meditation and then why it works. So that just gives you so much more motivation to do it as well. So if you're understanding how the nervous system works and the benefits of having a regulated nervous system versus just regulate it, it just gives you so much more motivation and then clarity.

00;35;55;06 - 00;36;10;27
Mike
And like you said, if you don't know what you're doing, you're like, I don't know. I think I'm doing this right. So it makes sense to understand, get educated and then give it a go. And the eyes, the face of the eyes thing that's amazing to observe in cold showers for like a month. I don't even know how I was doing that.

00;36;10;27 - 00;36;21;21
Mike
Now. Now that I think about it, I was like, Holy cow. But the face in the eyes does not give the same sort of effect as like a full body cold shower. Would you say.

00;36;21;23 - 00;36;44;05
Erika
I think that I'm doing the phase I do. So the shower, I'll add a shower. You know, I'll sometimes do the shower like I'll end it cold, you know, and try to do that. I think that that is a significant, significantly bigger shock than putting your face. And I think that the face having your face in a bowl is a nice first step.

00;36;44;05 - 00;37;10;03
Erika
You know, talking about beginnings steps. It's hard when things are trending, talking about the nervous system. People don't really know where to start, where there is a good beginning point, right? There's thousands, millions of videos in the gym out there, but some are beginner and some are advanced. And so I think that if you are somebody you know, and you resonated with me and you don't like the cold and that's a really uncomfortable situation for you, you know, putting your face in is a really good first step if you're like, That sounds kind of pathetic.

00;37;10;10 - 00;37;31;15
Erika
I can do way more than that. Yeah. Yep. In that shower and turn it cold and see how long you can stand it. And I don't mean that in a bad way, just being like some people are like, No, I love the cold over here. Like ten degrees. And some people are like, I'll go outside in shorts in 90 degree weather and I'm good right then sticking their face and ice water is like nothing like that.

00;37;31;17 - 00;37;32;04
Mike
Yeah.

00;37;32;06 - 00;37;34;17
Erika
So they need something. Something more.

00;37;34;20 - 00;37;59;00
Mike
Totally. Totally. I love it. Yeah. There's levels that you got to go with what works with year. And just to give a shout out to my coworker Rene, who works in the personal development school, she runs a twice weekly emotional resilience routine and she teaches nervous system regulation. She gives the theory for the first half an hour PowerPoint slides, all this kind of stuff, and then leads everybody through the guided experience.

00;37;59;03 - 00;38;07;13
Mike
So it's again, you get the theory, you get to do the actual thing and you feel great after. So come check out Rene's emotional resilience.

00;38;07;15 - 00;38;08;29
Erika
That's epic. That's awesome.

00;38;08;29 - 00;38;29;19
Mike
Yeah. Mondays And Thursdays seem to be Tuesdays and Thursdays. So in another post I want to talk about it Said if you came up with the biggest vision of your life and scaled it to an X, it would still not even come close to what's possible. So when I read that, I was like, you know, it's that exciting statement to read.

00;38;29;22 - 00;38;54;02
Mike
But I think for a lot of people they read it and then a little voice in the back of their head thinks this is like for other people or like special people are highly super motivated people to achieve ten X. Come on. So can you let everyone know why is this possible for everyone? And how can we start sort of letting ourselves entertain the possibility of having the dream life that we want?

00;38;54;04 - 00;39;20;04
Erika
You know, if you don't think it's possible, it's not possible. That's just the basis of that. If you don't think it's possible, if you don't think something's not possible, it's definitely not possible. Yeah. You know, you're just lowering your chances of doing that. Everybody's dream life starts as an idea. Every single person's dream, life starts is like a pipe dream as this thing that seems unachievable on attainable.

00;39;20;06 - 00;39;50;03
Erika
And those people have failed and started over more times than we can even imagine, and more times than they've ever shared with anybody. And that's kind of the difference, right? The difference between people who decide to take that next life and people who end up saying something different or that they don't go for that, is that those people who decide to go for the ten X take that failure and they try again, they get up, they pick themselves up, they dust their shoulders off and they go for it.

00;39;50;09 - 00;40;10;16
Erika
You know, that's the difference between somebody who's in a really good place in their life and somebody who settling is that they're learning from those mistakes and they're not becoming victim to them. That's why I really believe that we're our own biggest barriers. I know that there are real barriers. I'm not saying that that's not a thing. And I've experienced and I have experienced a lot of financial issues.

00;40;10;16 - 00;40;34;16
Erika
I have experience struggling to pay for bills. I have experienced serious relationship problems, you know, not being close to my family, etc.. This dream life that I wanted seemed so unachievable. And then it dawned on me that the reason why was unachievable is because I kept telling myself that it wasn't achievable and that I'm worthy of that because I wasn't X, Y, and Z person.

00;40;34;16 - 00;41;07;07
Erika
Because I didn't have these things. Because I didn't you, you know, or whatever. And those were all just excuses. They were all excuses. It's it's so sad. But we self-sabotage ourselves. We self sabotage to keep ourselves where we are because our body thinks that exactly where we are is safe for some reason, even if we're unhappy. So, yeah, you know, just don't forget that every single person that you see that you know, has the type of life that you want or the confidence that you want or this thing that you're going after, you know, that started as a pipe for them, too.

00;41;07;07 - 00;41;23;27
Erika
They are no different. I'm not saying that some people don't have other things that help them get there, but if we're just talking about the people in general, like average quote unquote, average people, all time level up their lives and really do achieve their dream life span and have this really, you know, beautiful thing in front of them.

00;41;23;27 - 00;41;28;16
Erika
And so the difference is, is that they just don't give up.

00;41;28;19 - 00;41;49;09
Mike
That's such an important insight because yeah, we tend to only see the finished product. If you're following someone on Instagram, you're just seeing them as, Wow, this person's so successful. Wow, this person has everything they could ever want. But you might not have seen the nights where they're crying their eyes out or when they're beating themselves up and telling themselves they're a loser and all this kind of stuff.

00;41;49;12 - 00;42;10;23
Mike
So it's really wonderful that you're sharing that those people have had to go through a lot of, you know, a lot of tough times. But they just made the decision that they're going to fail however many times it takes, which is part of the process in order to get to that. So that support. So that's a really wonderful insight into achieving your dreams.

00;42;10;25 - 00;42;35;21
Mike
Awesome. So you mentioned once that if you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep getting what you're getting. If you want a new career, health, your relationship, deeper self-love, it's time to start doing things different. So I've definitely been there before and I've been waiting for the right relationship to come along, the right career to come along just for this magical moment to happen, to come into my life.

00;42;35;23 - 00;42;54;22
Mike
But I don't think it works that way. So for people to literally know that they want something different and they're kind of waiting for it, where do they even start? Because we know we do have to take that first step forward. But for the people who don't even know, where do I even start? What would you say to people that are and how do you how do you guide people in that process?

00;42;54;25 - 00;43;14;29
Erika
I would say something that I commonly do with my clients who who are feeling that way is that, you know, I have them almost vision board their higher self, you know, not just best life that they want, but like we need to specifically round out who are you trying to be right? Like, who is this person? How do they act?

00;43;14;29 - 00;43;49;00
Erika
What do they do? How do they spend their time? What are their self-care routines? Right? Who is this person? You know, Claire body is a super power. And so the clearer that you are on on who you want to become, the easier it is to kind of start taking the steps to move in that direction. And so, yeah, I think that that sentiment about like if you keep doing what you're going to, if you keep doing what you're doing, you're just going to keep getting what you have is really important to remember because lots of people literally sit and watch years fly by and they just wish that things were different.

00;43;49;02 - 00;44;09;02
Erika
They literally just wish that they could take a vacation. They wish they had more money. They wish that whatever it is, you know, and it's important to remember that, you know, we have a lot of power in that situation. And the best place to kind of star is to curate as much as possible, like a clear picture of what are you going after, What is your actual goal?

00;44;09;09 - 00;44;15;28
Erika
Not just like a fairy tale land, but in a like get out a piece of paper and figure out who do you want to become?

00;44;16;01 - 00;44;40;05
Mike
And even if that person or that goal you want is really too scary to think about, you still have to identify it and sort of put out there. Yes, this is scary. This is something that I want. But you know what I mean? You have to allow yourself to sort of dream, dream big. And yeah, even though it might seem unattainable at the moment, at least you're putting a bit of a navigational idea to it.

00;44;40;07 - 00;44;59;04
Erika
Absolutely. I think that that's such a good point, is that, you know, these types of activities are actually uncomfortable, right. For some people, they get excited thinking about that and they're like, Ooh, yes, like totally. I want to pull out a piece of paper and I want to do that. But for some people even asking that question, you know, when you envision your future self, who are you living with?

00;44;59;06 - 00;45;24;15
Erika
I don't know. You know, I don't know. Who am I the living with? Right. Like they're like paralyzed by living, you know, and and it's okay. That's okay. But I think that we're just not taught enough to take the time to ask ourselves, what do I want? Right? We just are taught X, Y, and Z is what's culturally good, and that's what you should go after.

00;45;24;17 - 00;45;55;20
Erika
And we don't take these moments to pause and say, What do I want? What do I need and how do I get it so I can be happy in the end. And I don't look, I look back and I've sat on my couch for 25 years saying, I wish I could have done that. I wish I would have gone for that job or like, you know, and being that person you went to high school with on Facebook because they're living that life and you're kind of sour because they they made those hard choices and you really wish they got that, you know, that can make those choices.

00;45;55;22 - 00;45;56;29
Erika
Your life.

00;45;57;01 - 00;46;23;13
Mike
I love it. I love it. Inspiring. Okay. So we're coming towards the end of the interview. Thank you, Generico, for being here with us today in you share. So on your Instagram, there's so many different things that you cover, so many inspiring things and helpful things. So I'll just leave it to you. If you want to share a tool or strategy or mindset of the many things you sort of talk about, you want to share anything with our audience that can help them in their everyday lives.

00;46;23;15 - 00;46;43;07
Erika
Yeah, yeah, of course. I would say the biggest thing that has been helpful for me are huge. Two of a question that I ask myself on a daily basis. It kind of goes back to that best version of yourself that I ask myself in the really hard moments, what would the best version of myself do right now? Right?

00;46;43;07 - 00;47;01;06
Erika
Let's say I am kind of struggling with procrastination and I'm sitting on the couch and I've been scrolling for a little bit too long and I'm like in my head having that conversation. I know I should do this thing or I can keep sitting, right? We have this dilemma and I just pause and ask myself, Well, what would the best version of myself do?

00;47;01;13 - 00;47;20;23
Erika
Well, the best version of myself doesn't sit for an extra half hour doing something mindless. They're going to go take a walk outside and then make a smoothie. So, you know, it's a lot easier for me to get up knowing that I'm in service of this bigger vision that I have for myself, that I'm constantly moving the needle forward and that in that direction.

00;47;20;23 - 00;47;35;08
Erika
And I think that's a good frame of mind to always have because, you know, you know, in your head, even if you don't have it written down what the best version of yourself would do in all these moments. Right? You just you just do you know what the right decision is? Sometimes you don't want to make the right decision.

00;47;35;14 - 00;47;53;10
Erika
But if you take the moment to ask yourself that question, it actually does allow the other side of your brain to kind of kick in that logical decision, part of your brain, then, you know, not as emotional part. And it's like, okay, let's rationally think about this. What would the best version of myself do? And then you can kind of carry through on that action.

00;47;53;13 - 00;48;20;26
Erika
The last part that I would say, and this is important is for anybody out there that struggles to ask for help, just don't be afraid to ask for help. If you are looking to, you know, change something in your life, level up, do something hard. It's okay to admit that you can't do it by yourself If you need accountability, If you even if you feel like you're a guru and you know everything about self-development, but you can't hold yourself accountable, get yourself something to hold yourself accountable.

00;48;20;26 - 00;48;25;10
Erika
Stop waiting and get the life you want for sure.

00;48;25;11 - 00;48;49;00
Mike
I love that. That's so, so nice. And I know for avoidant types we're really like hyper independent. I think we have to do everything on our own. But I know I've heard from so many really brilliant people. We're hearing this from you today, ask for help and would you agree with me that no one who's done anything really amazing in this world has not been helped by several, several people?

00;48;49;03 - 00;49;10;05
Mike
And that's just the simple fact. And description of person development school where she's built. There's a ton of people behind the scenes who are doing amazing, amazing work to help support her and bring her work into the world. And without the help of everybody, that might not be possible or would be on such a smaller scale. So I love how you're giving that advice to people.

00;49;10;05 - 00;49;31;10
Mike
Ask for help and don't feel bad about it. It's not it's not weakness. It's just it's just energy. It's it's having people help you get to your goal. So I love that. You mentioned that. Okay. As we come to the end of our interview today, I just want to ask, what are you offering these days aside? Is there anything other than your one on one coaching or what are what are you offering these days to people?

00;49;31;13 - 00;49;51;26
Erika
Thank you so much for asking that as well. Yeah. At this current moment I offer packages of three months of working one on one with me. I hope to do group stuff in the future, but at this point it's one on one for a minimum of three months. And yeah, we kind of break down each of the three months into different categories.

00;49;51;26 - 00;50;16;26
Erika
So the first category is, you know, a little bit of me getting to know you so I can understand how to help you. What what are you going after? You know getting that clear picture that we were talking about before? You know, the middle month is me teaching you those tools and you practicing those tools and the nice thing about my coaching is that we use your real life as examples for, for practicing those tools.

00;50;17;01 - 00;50;31;08
Erika
And then the third month is me teaching you how to hold yourself accountable. You know, I think the really important part about coaching in general is that you learn to be autonomous. You know, I don't want you to need me your whole life. I want you to feel like you have the tools to live your most fulfilled life.

00;50;31;15 - 00;50;46;19
Erika
You know, if you if you ever work with me, it's okay if you don't even remember me after we work together. If you're like, I did that thing ten years ago and I worked with this woman, I can't even remember her name. I would be stoked. It's not about me. It's about you and you living your most fulfilled life.

00;50;46;22 - 00;50;55;07
Mike
I love that. And lastly, how can people get in touch with the social media website? What's the best way people can follow you or work with you?

00;50;55;10 - 00;51;02;16
Erika
Instagram is definitely the best way to reach me. My handle is underscore life gains underscore Perfect.

00;51;02;18 - 00;51;12;21
Mike
Okay. Well, Erica, thank you so much for your time, your wisdom and everything you shared with us. I learned a lot. And I really enjoyed talking to you and I hope you enjoyed today as well.

00;51;12;23 - 00;51;16;04
Erika
I did. Thank you so much. I hope you have a wonderful day as well. Thank you very much.

00;51;16;10 - 00;51;22;19
Mike
For sure and for our audience. Thank you again so much for being here with us today. And best of luck in your healing journey.