[00:00:00] Nonette: Shame is felt like in the chest, like the heat in the chest or like the face, like that's where you're, you'll feel it. But then, you know, I didn't like fully know that. So like, as I was learning, I was like, Oh, wow. It's almost like being in tune with the body in order to understand like your real emotions, you know, Hello 

[00:00:19] Thais: and welcome to the personal development school podcast.

[00:00:22] Thais: I am so excited you're here. I am your co host Thais Gibson, along with our new special host. This is a podcast that discusses everything related to integrated attachment theory, the new attachment theory, along with the subconscious mind relationships, communication needs, boundaries, and so much more throughout this podcast, you'll see a series of episodes I upload with new information, educational tips, all about how to.

[00:00:50] Thais: Thrive in relationships and really master your emotional state in your life, along with special guests hosted by Mike Dzio to discuss all of these amazing topics in some longer form content. Thank you so much for being here, and I really hope you enjoy this episode.

[00:01:10] Mike: Welcome back podcast viewers and listeners. Welcome to the interview series of the Personal Development School. Nonette has been part of our school for probably about three years now. Is that right, Nonette? Yeah. And I myself have seen Nonettein a lot of the routines that I host, so it's been a pleasure sort of watching Nonette.

[00:01:27] Mike: grow and evolve and become a really good communicator. I've heard a lot about her vulnerable communication with others, setting boundaries, and just overall growth. And it's been really amazing to watch Nonette grow within the school and really thrive. So I'm happy to interview Nonette today, and we're just going to dig into her journey and sort of what brought her into the school and how things are going.

[00:01:50] Mike: And just so lovely to have you here today, Monette. Thanks for coming. 

[00:01:53] Nonette: Thanks, Mike. What a great intro. For 

[00:01:56] Mike: sure. You deserve it. Okay. So I just wanted to start off. Can you share with us, with our audience, how you first recognized the need for healing your attachment 

[00:02:04] Nonette: style? Let's say it was in 2020 when I ended a dating Relationship when it abruptly ended and so I felt very anxious and that would often be the case for me when something like that would happen and I just couldn't understand why and so I came across the attachment style so the personal development school.

[00:02:31] Nonette: And was able to understand what my attachment style was. So I took the quiz. So I'm an FA, I'm healing FA, leaning anxious. And I would say when I was growing up, I was definitely more avoidant. And then now that I'm an adult, I think it's definitely leaning towards more anxious. So I recognize that about myself and I really wanted to overcome that because I didn't know, I didn't.

[00:02:55] Nonette: think it was normal or I didn't feel at ease with myself too. I just felt so anxious. My heart was beating and I just felt so dysregulated when those things would happen. Okay. 

[00:03:07] Mike: So when you first, did you know about attachment style for a long time or was it sort of brought you to PDS that 

[00:03:13] Nonette: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:03:14] Nonette: It was definitely 2020 for sure that that attracted me for sure that wanting to heal searching what this was and I, I just needed to go through this journey cause I was seeing a pattern in myself, especially with romantic relationships. So I wanted to do something about it. 

[00:03:33] Mike: So you mentioned a journey.

[00:03:34] Mike: So I just wanted to know what were some of these key challenges that you faced at the beginning of this healing journey? The key 

[00:03:40] Nonette: challenges were stating my needs in the moment. Oftentimes what I would do is if something like a situation would happen where there was kind of a confrontation or something that was said, I often would just ruminate on it after.

[00:03:56] Nonette: So I wouldn't say anything. I would just be like, Hmm, like think about it. But at the moment it wouldn't really bother me. But it wasn't until three hours later or later in the day that, that it started to bother me because I was thinking about it. And that was definitely a challenge for me in the beginning.

[00:04:13] Nonette: It was actually stating my needs in real time. So instead of me ruminating, just say, asking myself, what do I need right now to feel safe and to be heard? That really has helped me in the process and it was challenging for me in the beginning because it was like my heart would start beating again because it wasn't normal for me, you know, so to state and recognize what it is that I would need, like, I wouldn't know what I needed, you know, so I think like understanding what it is I needed in the situation was really helpful in my journey.

[00:04:47] Mike: Yeah, that's amazing. So when you said your heart was racing, I understand totally about that. If you're not used to asking for a need to be met and you're not used to setting a boundary in the moment, what, what is the big fear there? What, what is the big worry in the moment that's going to happen? What makes you so scared to do that at first?

[00:05:04] Mike: Yeah, 

[00:05:05] Nonette: definitely feeling unsafe, triggering my core wounds of I don't belong or I'm defective. Like, you know, there's something wrong with me. And I, I think that has really impacted me in understanding and being aware of it too. Why, like questioning myself when I am dysregulated. 

[00:05:24] Mike: Yeah, exactly. And for you and for anyone else, it's such brave work to do as well, because it's, it's scary having to do these things.

[00:05:31] Mike: It's not easy, especially if it doesn't come naturally to you. So I just want to commend you and really anybody else doing this work that setting boundaries and vulnerable communication might not be easy at first, but. As we know, the more you do it, the easier it gets. 

[00:05:45] Nonette: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Mike. Wonderful. For sure.

[00:05:49] Nonette: I think the real time, understanding yourself in real time and what you need, that's been my biggest win, I would say is like, okay, what do I need right now? And then, and then state it. And then also you like going to your communication scripts that you lead every week has been really helpful for me because I get to see and also participate in.

[00:06:09] Nonette: Any life situations that I'm in, whether that's like situations with personal relationships or, or work relationships or anything like that, friendships, I can go into a safe space and be able to read a script that I'm about to tell somebody and then get feedback because that's really helped me in opening my eyes because I, you know, I've even gotten feedback from you and getting a, another perspective, you know, and that's really like, ah, I didn't really think about the other.

[00:06:39] Nonette: Other side or other way of thinking about it because I'm so focused on the script and what I want to say 

[00:06:44] Mike: But yeah, thank you. And thank you so much for always participating as well You're always in our sessions and helping people and offering support to them And then also you're sharing your situations that you would have with someone and that everyone gets to learn from that as well So I just want to thank you for bringing those to the group.

[00:07:00] Mike: It's such a big value to everyone So I wanted to ask you in your journey, could you highlight a specific moment or an exercise or a tool from the personal development school that really impacted your understanding of attachment style and help you make a breakthrough in your healing process? 

[00:07:16] Nonette: So I have two examples.

[00:07:18] Nonette: So, of course, I mentioned your communication scripts that you lead every week, and that's been really grateful. I've been super grateful for that because it's helped me navigate understanding other people's. Behavior based on their attachment style and how I can approach it in a way where I'm also heard and they're also heard as well.

[00:07:38] Nonette: So having more empathy in that regard, that's been really helpful. And then also Renee's emotional resilience courses or sessions every two, like twice a week has really helped me too. I listened to her recordings all the time. And she's really helped me and just like regulating and very soothing voice too.

[00:08:00] Nonette: So I would say that has been really helpful with the somatic processing work because in the beginning of this year, I didn't really know, like feelings in the body. I didn't understand what that meant until I started that course and I felt like. I've gotten a better sense of my reactions in the body based on my emotions.

[00:08:22] Nonette: There's this one time in the summer where I was in Starbucks and I felt like this person had embarrassed me while I was in line. And then I just was like, I felt heat in my, my chest and my face was like also hot too afterwards when I. When I got back in my car and everything, and I was like, why am I so hot?

[00:08:40] Nonette: I took off my jacket. I, I was like, what's going on? And then, you know, because of the somatic processing work, you know, shame is felt in the chest, the heat in the chest or the face. That's where you, you'll feel it. But then, you know, I didn't fully know that. So as I was learning, I was like, Oh, wow. My reactions in the body are very.

[00:09:00] Nonette: Yeah, like it's almost like being in tune with the body in order to understand your real emotions, you know, because at that time I think I was more in freeze mode. Did this really happen? I would say those tools have really helped me in my process of healing and also like just gaining better insight on what I can do to fully heal in the body and not just in the mind.

[00:09:25] Mike: Yeah, if you're anything like me, everything was sort of brain based and trying to figure everything out logically. But really our body obviously is telling us a lot of information and a lot of trauma and stuff is stored in the body. And we sort of chop our body off at the head. We're missing out on a lot of vital information and you know, proper wisdom and direction from our emotions and feelings.

[00:09:47] Mike: So that's wonderful. You got back in touch with your body there. So I want to ask you, how have your relationships, both romantic, platonic, familial, how have these relationships in your life changed since you started the PDS courses and working on your attachment style? Yeah, 

[00:10:03] Nonette: it's helped me a lot with navigating how I approach situations and also people as well.

[00:10:11] Nonette: So whether that's friendships or romantic relationships or family, I can approach it in a way where I'm a lot more empathetic to. others. And I would say that has really helped me in my, my healing journey with types of dynamics. And I think like I'm healing a lot of relationships in my, my family, especially like the past two years.
[00:10:35] Nonette: So it's been really helpful for me. And as far as romantic

 relationships, what's helpful. What's been helpful is really defining my, my standards and my non negotiables as well. That's been really helpful too. Did 

[00:10:50] Mike: people around you notice a shift in you? Because sometimes when we do this work, you know, we're with ourselves every day, so we don't always notice a big shift.

[00:10:58] Mike: But people around us who might see us weekly or monthly will notice. Did anybody notice that? Hey, you've changed a bit there, Nonette. 

[00:11:06] Nonette: I would say I, I noticed the shift because like, I am more mindful of my behavior when it comes to communication and seeing it from the other side. Say if somebody is angry, what's going on in their day, you know, maybe there's something else that they're going through that they're expressing in anger.

[00:11:24] Nonette: So I, yeah. So. I see a shift in 

[00:11:29] Mike: myself. You must be really proud of yourself. Yeah. For sure. I love it. Okay, so for someone watching or listening, what advice would you give them who's just starting their journey? Are there any specific resources or techniques that you found really helpful within the school?

[00:11:47] Mike: Or something you'd recommend to somebody starting their journey? 

[00:11:50] Nonette: I would say, uh, I wrote down three things. So defining number one is defining what it is, um, they need emotionally in their lives, say they're in a particular situation or a challenge, asking yourself important self discovery questions. It has been really helpful with defining what it is you need and emotionally or whatever it is in the seven areas of life, rather than thinking about other people and thinking about your life internally.

[00:12:20] Nonette: And then number two is take the time to reflect because I think that has been really helpful to sit with what it is that's bothering you or even the emotional processing tool. That's been really helpful for me. And then because it questions, like my doubts or questions, like a lot of things that I'm thinking about in my head, but it's like, you don't really know if they're true.

[00:12:43] Nonette: Can you 100 percent know it's true? And oftentimes you don't fully know and you start to ease your mind from that chatter or going in a rabbit hole. So taking the time to reflect and then three is put your own happiness first in your own. healing journey. So if that means cutting people off even temporarily for you to heal, that's been a really big one for me is like thinking about your own wellbeing versus just pleasing others because it's just normally what you've been doing is hanging out with particular people or, you know, friendships and things like that.

[00:13:23] Nonette: So. Being able to put your own happiness, that's advice that I think would be great for people in their healing journey. Yeah, 

[00:13:31] Mike: I love that. And yeah, it can be scary because you think, oh, well, these people still like me, or, you know, it could seem maybe a selfish that you're pouring your, your time, energy and attention into yourself.

[00:13:42] Mike: But like you said, if you've been doing that your whole life, you're probably not feeling good because you've been people pleasing and so worried about the people around you. So when you start this work, it really is. You have to say, you know what, this is for me. And I really, at the end of the day, everybody benefits from it as well.

[00:13:58] Mike: You know, you become a better communicator, listener, more empathetic. You know, see, see people and not personalize so much. So, you know, the less we can personalize things, the less we get triggered by others and we can sort of have a conversation without having that high emotion or that, that barrier where we just want to kind of defend ourself.
[00:14:18] Mike: Defend, 

[00:14:19] Nonette: defend. Yeah, for sure. Well said, Mike. 

[00:14:24] Mike: And the, uh, the part about taking time to yourself, reflecting so important today's day and age, we have our phones, we have Netflix, we have, there's just so many things to take your attention and our energy away from us. So, really, even if for only, you know, half hour, an hour a day, when you're doing your.

[00:14:40] Mike: PDS work. It's just so important because if you're never looking inwards, then you don't really know what's going on in there, what the problems are, what your thoughts are like, if you're having autopilot thoughts all day and they're negative, your body's going to be not feeling that great. Yeah, for sure.

[00:14:58] Mike: Those are wonderful pointers for any new people on their journey. Thank you, Nanette. So, you touched on it before, but like, how is, we all, we all know personal development school has a lot of community features to it. It's not just people doing courses. Uh, we have live webinars, uh, weekly routines and support groups.

[00:15:16] Mike: How has the community aspect of, uh, the platform supported you in your journey? How have you found value in connecting with others who are also working towards a common goal? Oh 

[00:15:26] Nonette: yeah, it's been super helpful for me. I've met a lot of wonderful people in the community and admittedly, like in the beginning when I first joined, I actually didn't participate in the community because I also didn't know what it was.

[00:15:40] Nonette: I felt like a little unsafe. I don't know what this is. So it wasn't until a year after that I actually started to join this. sessions and be part of the community more, integrate myself more, ask live questions to Tai's. That was really brave of me. I felt like that was something that for me was, I was proud of.

[00:16:01] Nonette: And I think it definitely hit my, my core wound of not knowing what this was. And then when I actually felt. Safe was when I started to really embrace people and reaching out to people in the community. And I love the accountability partners I've formed in the community because they also love personal growth too.

[00:16:21] Nonette: That's my number one personality need. And for them to also have the same needs too is. It's really exciting as like they're working on their goals or working on their life and, you know, that they can do it and that they believe that they can overcome anything. And it's, it's really great to see that and to have commonality with people who are like minded and are also going through this journey too.

[00:16:46] Nonette: And we like learn from each other. Like I learned so much from other people in the community that like really opened up my eyes too. And I really enjoy that. People are everywhere. It's just global, which is awesome. 

[00:17:01] Mike: For sure. For sure. We have a definite, uh, global community, but like I mentioned, personality needs because For the community aspect, if one of your high personality needs is social connection or emotional connection, while you're learning and growing, you could also get your needs met for, for connection.

[00:17:18] Mike: So these groups, you know, again, you don't have to just do the course and you might feel like you do better with, with a partner or someone who's going to hold you accountable, like you said. And, uh, there's definitely no shortage of people who are, you know, wanting to work together and heal together, which is amazing.

[00:17:35] Mike: Awesome. Thanks for sharing that. So looking back now in three years, what would you say has been the most significant lesson you've learned throughout this process and how has it impacted not only your relationships, but your overall sense of self? Yeah, 

[00:17:49] Nonette: that was a really good question. When I was reading through the questions prior to this, I, this one like actually made me cry because yeah, I would say the biggest lesson for me is hitting my core wounds like that.

[00:18:01] Nonette: I am safe, I do belong and that I am appreciated and respected. All those self, this negative self talk, self talk that was a challenge for me. And I didn't know that I was doing that to myself. I didn't know that's, you know, putting myself down and things like that. It was just not something I was really fully conscious of.

[00:18:22] Nonette: And then when other people put themselves down, then I like recognize it. And I also feel emotional, like, Oh no, like just, you know. Giving them more support or positive positivity to them because for some reason, like it hits me because of the core ones that I have or that I'm working through and you know, what's been really helpful is the self compassion.

[00:18:46] Nonette: That I have for myself. And that's one of the big, one of the biggest lessons. Cause you know, I'm also like a spiritual person. I'm into meditation and yoga and everything. And that's a different kind of level of awareness, I think. But when you hit the psyche and the mind, it's also another level. I think from healing perspective.
[00:19:07] Nonette: So it's not just the spiritual aspect of it, but it's for healing, but it's 
also the dynamic of how the brain works and my subconscious and learning about Bye. So, I think the self compassion part is something that I, I would say is what I love about the process of healing. 

[00:19:23] Mike: Yeah, yeah, I love that. I can speak for myself as well.

[00:19:27] Mike: That part has been really game changing because before I would kind of beat myself up and, you know. When you need compassion and gentleness the most before I beat myself up even more, but when you can learn how to be compassionate to yourself, you can give that to yourself. You can give that to others.

[00:19:44] Mike: And it's just, it's a really beautiful thing. That's, that's great. Thanks for sharing that. Okay. We're getting towards the end of our interview. I have one last question for you, Nonet. Where do you see yourself in your attachment journey in the future? How do you plan on continuing to like integrate the lessons you've learned into your everyday and your relationships?

[00:20:03] Nonette: You know, I I think with personal growth, I'll always, I'll always incorporate into my life because that is my number one personality, need it. It's also stimulating to, like, I learn so much and I think it's a lot of fun too, to like expand your mind in, in the process of like just learning so much and about yourself and also integrating it.

[00:20:26] Nonette: So when. Like I said, when I was joined the community, I would just watch the webinars. I would, you know, watch the course videos and it wasn't until I actually started the workbooks and integrating in my life that I found was really healing for me because it was a lot of self reflection questions and also integrating it in my daily life.

[00:20:50] Nonette: Even with the emotional processing tool. I feel like that has really helped me like shift in the moment. And regulate in the moment and I think, you know, the self reflection questions and and things like that. I definitely will always incorporate that. 

[00:21:05] Mike: Wonderful. That's very beautiful. I'm so happy that you've gone on this journey with us and.

[00:21:11] Mike: Again, like I learned something new about you today. I didn't know the first year you were sort of more of a passive observer, which a lot of people do. And that's, that's great. You're still watching how he's doing live webinars, answering questions and whatnot. But then you really came out of your comfort zone and started yourself and looking at now, now you're talking in front of the whole webinar of like people and talking it up in the routines.

[00:21:36] Mike: So that's, that's really cool to see the growth. 

[00:21:39] Nonette: Yeah, and I have to say, so with asking these questions to Thais, it's been greater awareness for me too, because it's like I ask her questions and I'm also being brave in the process of being, you know, it's a live webinar. So I think that it's, it's brave in that sense, but, you know, she gave me great advice in the beginning of the year because I was actually experiencing anxiety attacks.

[00:22:04] Nonette: And earlier in the year, I was going through like just a lot in the past, like two years. And so I think I wasn't suppressing it. I was actually just revisiting it every single day. And what I learned from her and like the live question was like, you know, your brain is wired for solution or resolution to feel like safe.

[00:22:25] Nonette: And she recommended also the anxiety course. And I actually didn't know that there was an anxiety course. I didn't even think to look and she, she helped me in that. And. And, and from there, like I actually learned from, from going through the workbook, from this video about creating solutions for challenges in life, you know, write out your fears, what you're going through and what are you making it mean?

[00:22:48] Nonette: I think the stories I was telling myself because of all these things happening in my life. And so. Writing it down on paper really helped and then also finding solutions for it. I believed in infinite solutions, but I didn't really integrate that. People would say, Oh, there's infinite possibilities, but.

[00:23:06] Nonette: It's not until you actually go through a challenge and you apply, you know, a hundred different solutions. What can I do to get myself out of the situation or come up with all those solutions? So you have to think about outside the box. And that's really been helpful. It's just like getting. Uh, greater awareness through learning from Thais and also the community and the workbooks especially has really helped me along this journey and that, that I will always remember.

[00:23:35] Nonette: So if I'm ever in the same situation next, you know, in the future, hopefully not, I'll be able to know and understand, okay, what am I making this mean? And then creating those infinite solutions in order for me to feel safe and also taking action. 

[00:23:50] Mike: Definitely. Wow. That's really powerful. And thanks for sharing.

[00:23:54] Mike: And I really love how, you know, Tice helped you with that in the
 course. Now you have the resilience and sort of the know how. So, you know, however long it lasted last time, maybe the next time, if it happens, you know, you can go right into solution mode and start to give yourself what you need. Really happy to hear that.

[00:24:13] Mike: Well, Nona, thank you so much for being here today. We're really happy that you joined, spent some time with us and shared your experience with personal development school. Uh, are there any last words you want to say? 

[00:24:24] Nonette: To join the school. School, you know, wherever you are at in your journey, I think there's a lot to learn from others.

[00:24:33] Nonette: And, you know, you never know what will come out of, you know, talking with people and also getting awareness of other people's situations too. You know, there's a lot of situations that, you know, you're kind of exposed to in the school in a very safe space. And I would say that has been. Really healing because, you know, we, we can be vulnerable in this space and be risk, still be, still feel safe, you know, and asking personal questions and any life situations that we've been through and anything that we're dealing with, you know, we can always ask and, you know, we can find an answer or we can expose ourselves to other people's feedback that can actually help us in the process of healing.

[00:25:15] Mike: That's beautiful. Well said. Again, thanks Nonette for being here today, and for our listeners and viewers, as always, best of luck on your healing journey, and we'll see you next time.