00:00:00:00 - 00:00:09:21
 I think a lot of the times it was even the right decision. But the way it would happen was very essay in an unhealthy way. It used to be, which was that'd be very quick.

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It's like suddenly I was like, done.

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I would still, like, fulfill obligations and things like that. But it was like I didn't ever try at all, like sort of an in-between period to see if something could be better.

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And I think that really that's that f a boundary thing, because showing up in the work arena, because it was like if there was a way to make it better, I wasn't going to try.

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And then boom, the hard boundaries. I guess I'm not going to stay at the job.

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Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I am so excited you are here. I am your co-host, Thais Gibson, along with our new special host, Mike Vizio. This is a podcast that discusses everything related to integrated attachment theory. The New attachment theory, along with the subconscious mind relationships, communication needs boundaries and so much more. Throughout this podcast, you'll see a series of episodes I upload with new information, educational tips, all about how to thrive in relationships and really master your emotional state in your life, along with special guests hosted by Mike Zito to discuss all of these amazing topics and longer form content.

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Thank you so much for being here and I really hope you enjoy this episode.

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My guest today is an integrated attachment theory and ICF certified Wayfinder life coach. She loves her companion. People on their healing journeys to help them live their best lives and relationships. She's also an elemental rhythm Breathwork facilitator who has experienced the transformative power of this methodology in supporting breakthroughs, integration and overall well-being. Personal relevance for podcast Listeners. I'd like to welcome Sonja Solter.

00:01:56:07 - 00:04:18:16

Hello, Sonia. How you doing today? So, Sonia, just to start off, would you be able to tell us briefly about your background, maybe a bit of your backstory? Basically, what's brought you to where you are today?

00:04:18:18 - 00:04:37:07

That must've been really tough. You know, when you come to your parents for something and then they get really upset and seem very disregulated and then, you know, it might scare you for next time to be like, maybe I shouldn't tell my parents what's going on for me because they seem to get really upset or, you know, something bad happens after I share.

00:04:37:09 - 00:04:56:15

I don't know. I had that experience as well as my father. You get really uptight or angry or upset if I shared, you know, something that didn't go well for me. And then then he would complain that I wasn't coming. I was going to my mom for everything and I wasn't going to him. And I was kind of like, well, every time I try to share something with you, you kind of freak out.

00:04:56:17 - 00:05:24:13

So, you know, it sounds like your parents obviously did the best that they could. But there are certain things that, you know, we might take on because of their sort of unhealed behaviors and patterns. But overall, you know, thanks for sharing that. I wanted to ask. So in your own life, for your own kind of healing journey, was there like a realization or rock bottom moment, someone you met, like what was it that push you into?

00:05:24:13 - 00:08:35:20

Dive into your own healing journey and learning about your attachment, style and healing that? So I was curious, when did you first hear about attachment theory? And like, when did you have that sort of aha moment that people seem to have about understanding yourself and your patterns of behaviors and relationships?

00:08:35:22 - 00:09:05:14

Definitely. I love how it's kind of give gives sort of everybody hope that you can heal. And especially coming from a unhealed place herself. She had a lot of her own early life sort of trials and tribulations. So just to give the hope for everyone and I like what you said about how, you know, it's not just black and white, Like we can't just put somebody in a box of like, you're this here that there can be sort of varying degrees of of attachment trauma and insecure attachment style.

00:09:05:18 - 00:11:32:22

So that's really cool how you found that and dug right into it. You went all in for sure. So I know you've done a lot of work to become secure, obviously. What was your attachment style before you did this work? And if you want to share with our audience, like what were some of the hardest or most challenging things about being that attachment style that I must have been frustrated and just not knowing like, what the heck is going on here?

00:11:32:23 - 00:14:16:07

Like, why is this coming up for me and what do I do about it? So it's really cool how you found PDS and attachment theory to sort of address some of those issues. How else would you say that fearful, avoidant, being fearful of wouldn't show it up in your life positively or negatively?

00:14:16:09 - 00:14:49:17

Yeah, right, right, right. Wow. There's a lot of good stuff in there. So that thing that you said about how, you know, oh, it's so nice before to have friends that like if you don't see them, you don't talk to them for six months. Then when you happen to reconnect, it's like no time passed or whatever. And you said, that works for some people.

00:14:49:19 - 00:15:09:21

So do you think the best thing to do in a relationship is establish if that works for both of you? Because, of course, one side could be like, Oh, this is perfect. Like, I don't have to, you know, put in a lot of maintenance work or, you know, check in with this person and they're fine with me not being in their life for months at a time.

00:15:09:23 - 00:15:45:11

But do you think it's important to ask the other side? Hey, it seems like we have this kind of dynamic. Is this okay for you? Does that work for you as well? Do you think that's a good idea to sort of ask just to make sure that the other side is happy with the sort of, quote unquote, agreement?

00:15:45:13 - 00:16:08:10

Yeah, I like that. And then when you mentioned the career area of things for a phase, is it that because, you know, they don't they don't have the sort of voice. There's a lot of fear behind asking for what they might need or setting boundaries with a boss. So because of that disempowerment, they're like the only option is either to stay and suffer or to leave.

00:16:08:12 - 00:17:28:01

Was it sort of like it's. Yeah, for sure. But I like that you need balance and sort of all the seven areas. Like if you're just going all in on spirituality, you can probably feel really good and get some great benefits that way. But you're going to be probably leaving sort of the physical area and, you know, relationships sometimes because you're just totally all in on that one area.

00:17:28:03 - 00:19:15:24

And yeah, that term spiritual bypassing, I guess. Do you want to just quickly, if our audience has never heard that term, what a spiritual bypassing. So what has been one of your personal areas, biggest areas of inner growth through healing your attachment styles? What what is something like years ago? You can look now and be like, Wow, like I've grown a lot in that area.

00:19:16:01 - 00:21:00:06

Wow, that does sound like a big area of growth. Thanks for sharing. Yeah, so we know you've been a member for of the Personal Development School for how long would you say what would you say your time there? What's your favorite tool or teaching that you found has kind of helped you the most?

00:21:00:08 - 00:21:20:21

So to put it concretely, I mentioned that defeatist sort of thing. So what I came to understand was that in my husband, that actually was the I'm helpless, dismissive of when groomed, which makes a lot more sense. Right. Because you're he was willing to do it, like talk to me and try to work on issues. Wasn't really that he was defeatist, but suddenly he would go into that state.

00:21:20:21 - 00:21:39:00

You could almost just see it even in his body language, the sort of helplessness and defeat. And so understanding that it's just so helpless, you can go on proactively and say, you know, say something. I thought I was being proactive for right here. I'm bringing up the issue, trying at least at the beginning, to keep, you know, to have a good time with all of that.

00:21:39:02 - 00:21:59:10

But without understanding the trigger patterns, I hadn't realized that I could also go in and say something like, Hey, we're going to figure this out. I just want to mention this so we can figure it out. Coming in and just really saying those words was so important. And I think it's maybe interesting to note, too, that you can do some of this work.

00:21:59:10 - 00:23:49:17

Like obviously, I believe in healing one's attachment style as I've done, but yeah, right, right. One can sort of like lead a little bit or sort of set up the parameters. But like you said, if the other person's like not willing, that's going to be a pretty tough go. But if somebody is willing to at least like learn and understand that and kind of, you know, try to work with you, then that's going to be a lot better chance of success.

00:23:49:19 - 00:24:22:03

Right? Right. I love that. Yeah, I know when I was at my most unhealed partner tried to change me or that was me like interpreting that they don't like me as I am, that they only want this better future version of me. I get really, really upset when really, you know, it's they're trying to work through issues and their relationship and, you know, if somebody is willing to bring these things up and not just point the finger, but, you know, try to work through it collaboratively.

00:24:22:03 - 00:24:40:13

And I think you touched on it before, it's like we can work on this together. You said something where it was like collaborative language. And if you're saying like, let's work through this together, we can we can, you know, work on this and then lay out a plan. If it's not all like, you know, you need to change, it's because of you that this relationship's not going well.

00:24:40:15 - 00:27:05:11

We all know how that's going to go right? So I it's that collaboration, right? Right. That makes sense. Thanks for sharing. Yeah. So in your coaching practice that you do, is there an area that you tend to specialize in? One area that you're sort of really honed in on and work your your best magic? I know breath work in the whole grand scheme of things is, is fairly new new in popularity like it's been around I'm sure forever.

00:27:05:11 - 00:27:58:20

But do you find you have to people come to you wanting to do breathwork or do you sort of introduce that into sessions and say, Hey, I'm trained in breathwork it has all these benefits. Is it sort of you letting them know about it? And then they're like, Wow, this is amazing, or is it them coming to you saying, Oh, your best work coach, how can I do this work with you?

00:27:58:22 - 00:28:26:21

Right, right. Yeah, I know. That's wonderful. I'm glad you're doing that. And I mentioned to you before, Joe, the co-owner, co-founder of PDX, who started Elemental Rhythm, does Breathwork coach training, and he's done a few for the company. And they're just unbelievable. They're just you can have these like big shifts and just like one session. So I'm really happy to kind of bring bringing that to your clients.

00:28:26:23 - 00:28:43:01

So I just want to know, like as a former FAA who's done a lot of work on your own healing, if somebody is listening right now and their FAA and they're just finding it out and maybe they're feeling, oh my gosh, this is so much, you know, stuff I got to work on, and can I ever actually really heal?

00:28:43:01 - 00:30:51:17

Like what words of sort of inspiration would you give somebody listening now who maybe started their journey recently?

00:30:51:19 - 00:33:15:09

So, Sonia, we like to get an inside look at what people are doing. So maybe on a day to day basis, you know, to keep themselves grounded in a good place. Are there any sort of rituals, non-negotiable things that you do every day to keep you in a good place? I like that. That idea of kind of doing it as you're changing space or location, because, you know, we're all wanting to get up away from our computer stretch, do other things.

00:33:15:09 - 00:33:34:20

So why not take that opportunity to get in a little bit of regulation, techniques, mindfulness and whatnot? And if you're open to it, would you be able to give me the YouTube video link to that gratitude meditation? I'll put it in the show notes for our viewers 5 minutes a day, and it sounds like it starts your day off on a really good way.

00:33:34:20 - 00:35:30:16

So we'd love to sharing. Totally. Yeah, for sure. Okay. So, Sonia, what services are you offering these days? Perfect. And then lastly, how can people get in touch with you? Website, social media, whatnot, our effects, and we'll definitely put those in the show notes so people can just click on it. Yeah. Well, Sonia, thank you so much for joining us today.

00:35:35:20 - 00:36:00:07

Really nice to hear about your journey and sort of what all you're offering now. And you know what good service you are to people in your coaching or what you're doing. So I just want to thank you again for coming and I wish you the best of luck in the future. I and for our guys, thanks for joining today and good luck on your healing journey.