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Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School podcast. I'm your host Thais Gibson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind. My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony and fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

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So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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I'm going to talk to you a little bit about what the anxious, preoccupied, attachment style individual needs after an argument. Okay. So this has been an amazing whole bunch of requests we've received and it's a fantastic topic.

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And what I'm going to dive into here and what your job as any individual watching this is to do is to check out any other part of the series

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with the the dismissive word needs to fearful avoidant needs a secure and understand

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where you're at and what subconscious rules and needs you have. And then what theirs are, and then learn to communicate in a way that allows for compromises to meet in the middle.

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And what this does is it fast tracks reconciliation. So before I dive into all of this, like if you're looking to do this, if you find yourself getting into constant arguments in your relationship and you feel like you're sort of hitting these walls quite frequently, something very valuable to do is go through the advanced attachments cell courses where we will literally touch on your attachments and the arguments, the needs, the expectations, all these different things in each of the six stages of a relationship, because it does differ.

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And that course is very in-depth. That's like 3 hours long,

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And there's a workbook and there's scripts you can use, and we have a communication script course.

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start with your attachment style. Then the person that you're struggling with, do that next. So you know the programing of both and then go to the communication script, of course, because it will then teach you exactly how to package that information and relay it in a way that like absolutely maximizes your chances of getting heard, understood and forming reconciliation and having really strong breakthroughs in your relationship and the way that you communicate and bond and feel as a result.

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in this video, your job is to take this information, but make sure that you understand you and you don't take yourself out of consideration and that you consider your perspective and somebody else's to form that reconciliation. Okay, So let's talk about it. One of the first things an anxious, preoccupied individual needs is closeness. After an argument. They want physical closeness, mental closeness, emotional closeness, all types of closeness.

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They want to be hugged. They want to be validated. They want to know that they're safe. They want certainty. Okay? These are really important things. They want to know that the relationship is okay and that you're not leaving or going anywhere. And they also want caring and soothing and words of affirmation and validation that your relationship is special, that it matters, that they're valued all these different things.

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Now, this can obviously be a challenge if somebody comes from totally different programing and needs totally different things. And that's why you want to go and understand everybody else's and then use the tools to do the work and reconciliation and communication.

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And it can be very difficult for the anxious, preoccupied individual to take space after an argument because space is often full of them telling stories that the relationship might be over or it's all their fault, or it might be ending.

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They're going to be alone, they might be getting abandoned, and it's filled with fear. So, you know, the ancient person takes space, but then they're stuck with the nightmares of their own mind in terms of the thoughts, the stories that they're telling themselves and the movie in their mind that takes place. Because when we think about something, we often visualize it and we can really scare ourselves with that movie.

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And so, you know, as the increased, preoccupied individuals, this is you you want to know these are the things that you need and you want to like putting them next to what you know, somebody else needs and say, you know, I could really use some certainty right now. Sometimes one of the problems can become that if somebody has totally different needs, like the dismissive avoidant, for example, they might like feel very violated and need even more space if their space is originally violated in terms of their needs.

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And so there's a way of communicating that's basically encompassing and saying just at a very simplistic level right now,

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you know, I really understand that you need space and I want to respect that. I just need to know that at one point soon we're going to be able to talk and work through this all respect the space. In the meantime, I'm ready to have a healthy conversation.

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When you are. Are you open to doing that? And usually you'll get a yes. And at least I can help you feel calm. Like, okay, the relationship is not ending. This isn't over. You know, the person's not trying to run away from the relationship or end it.

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I'm not going to be abandoned like a lot of those stories can be set to rest, which can help you start to feel more regulated.

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And then your job is to self-soothe and practice self-soothing

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in

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that period of time. And that's going to help you come to the best to come to the table when the person is ready to communicate as the best version of yourself. And you want to get really clear about your feelings, your needs, your your experience, you want to try to understand that person's as well.

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And these are all sort of parts of proper reconciliation. And our job as people, if we really care about our relationships, isn't to have these like surface level reconciliations. It's not to like, you know, let time heal and really things just get repressed. It's not to shove things under the rug, it's to be able to go towards the situation, express our experience, our fears, our perception, our needs, and to hold space for somebody else to be able to do the same.

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And if we show up that way, what we don't do and what we're trying to avoid is building invisible walls after an argument and like, oh, one wall went up and then over the course of time you have a relationship with 50 invisible walls and it's like the connection is not the same, and this is often what leads to break up.

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So we want to be able to make sure we don't leave space for those walls to prop up because we actually do the work to have proper resolution, proper communication, understanding each other, these sorts of things. So

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you need closeness, you want to communicate that physical closeness, like hugs, holding hands, cuddling, anything is so important for and just pre-occupied mental closeness, like understanding each other's viewpoints and perspectives, emotional closeness, validating each other's emotions, certainty that everything's going to be okay.

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And then what I call re bonding, which is like time together after an argument to, like, have a good experience together again, which sort of solidifies that you're off the rocks instead of on the rocks.

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And this is very important for anxious, preoccupied and then anxious as well. They do enjoy like logical action, steps to transformation, like understanding of their selves, their viewpoint,

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what took place that led up to that argument, understanding of the other person that they love, and willingness for both people to be accountable for their parts.

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So these are very powerful tools

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to be using very important things to know about yourself and about others.

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If we can get our relationships right in terms of our communication, it doesn't bleed stress into all these different areas of our lives and it really allows us to feel safe and connected and bonded in like our best selves together with ourselves and with other people.

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I just want to pop in here and let you know We are doing a seven day free trial to the answers. Membership pass a PDS, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week. And on top of that, you get access to all of our different courses.

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We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame, learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward. And last but not least, there's a daily community event. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day.

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Please join me on the other side. Come check it out. See if it's a book for you. I'd love to see you there. Go ahead and sign up by clicking the link in the description box below.