Classic fearful avoidant, if the relationship is not chaotic. I find it boring and I stay away from it. When the relationship is chaotic, I'm like, I'll stick to that. And then obviously that has its own side effects.
That was my life.

00:00:13:22 - 00:00:57:22

Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I am so excited you are here. I am your co-host, Titus Gibson, along with our new special host, Mike Vizio. This is a podcast that discusses everything related to integrated attachment theory. The New attachment theory, along with the subconscious mind relationships, communication needs boundaries and so much more. Throughout this podcast, you'll see a series of episodes I upload with new information, educational tips, all about how to thrive in relationships and really master your emotional state in your life, along with special guests hosted by Mike Zito to discuss all of these amazing topics and longer form content.
Thank you so much for being here and I really hope you enjoy this episode.

00:01:05:06 - 00:01:29:04
My guest today is a data engineer and is passionate about personal development and coaching. She's certified and ties Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory program, and she helps people to make sustainable plans to get unstuck in their careers and personal lives. Podcast viewers and listeners, I'd like to welcome a third us Hello this year. How are you doing today? Well, how are you, Mike?

00:01:29:06 - 00:01:57:17

Very good. Thanks for joining us today. So I just want to start out you want to reassure our audience, know kind of about your background, your back story. You want to touch on what life was like growing up. Yeah. So I grew up in India. I'm from a place called Kerala in the southern part of India. I did my undergrad and schooling over there and then I was working in the tech sector in Bangalore, in India for like three years.

00:01:57:19 - 00:02:24:16

And then I moved to the U.S. in 2016 for my master's I, I did schooling, I did my master's in Chicago. And then right now I'm in the San Francisco Bay area, working, working in a one of the tech companies as a data engineer. Growing up, it was it was kind of interesting, like that typical Indian pattern being in Indian culture and everything that we had sometimes is like very demanding, like it's not just about.

00:02:24:16 - 00:02:46:23

And so the entire culture is kind of like asking you to do more and more, which kind of creates all these code words. So it was interesting, and for me personally, coming over here and like getting familiarized with the American way of living, I'm not saying that one is better or, you know, one is worse than anything like that, but it was slightly different.

00:02:46:23 - 00:03:14:19

And I'm trying to understand what most happened to me growing up. And what I called was like normal was not really normal in the culture. That was normal. But like now when I look back at it and things are the things that created all these cold wounds and all that. So yeah, that's my background and I like my is like my mom, Dad and I have a brother.

00:03:14:19 - 00:03:37:20

So my dad passed away a few months ago. So yeah, that's, that's my family. Okay. Thanks for sharing. Farah I was just curious, for anyone who doesn't know like Indian culture, would you say just due to the fact there's like a billion plus people in the country, there's a lot of pressure and, you know, did you have a lot of expectations, a lot of pressure on your shoulders to sort of perform and do well for the family?

00:03:37:21 - 00:04:02:05

Was it that type of pressure going on? Yeah. So I think it's the culture of a developing country. And I'd like you, as I grew up in a middle class family in India. So education is very important. The only way to kind of achieve something in life is to get a good education and get a good job. So the overall culture is framed, you know, for like be good at studies.

00:04:02:05 - 00:04:20:04

And so if you are if you're earning like if you're if you go to like 98 out of 100, then the question would be like already day to month school. You know, that's the kind of culture over there. And if you're good at studies, you'll get rewarded If you're not good at studies in the traditional system. Right. You know, you get rewarded.

00:04:20:04 - 00:04:42:03

So that's, you know, a too much of focus on following a traditional path like you do go to school, then go to engineering, get a degree in engineering. Then I like only I would take two jobs, which I consider to be good in India, like engineering and medicine. Everything else is like maybe law also could be. I don't know, it could be difference.

00:04:42:06 - 00:04:59:07

That said, if you doing that don't end up doing any of these, you are like a failure. So a lot of children like, you know, growing up kind of feel like So my brother, he's in the creative space, He's actually doing cinematography and he was criticized, which was in career like, you know, people are like, oh, you don't want to study.

00:04:59:07 - 00:05:26:20

That's why you took that job, which is the reality. So in terms of like choosing your life, that is like certain path that you can choose which are established and which are successful. And if you go something, if you do something different than that, you know it's not good or it's not ideal. So I did the traditional path and I am like, you know, part of it was societal pressure and then my passion.

00:05:26:20 - 00:05:56:06

So yeah, right, right. And kudos to your brother to kind of take the nontraditional path because, you know, approval from our parents is really a big thing, right? So if we're going against them and they're not sort of giving us their blessings, it can be, you know, a lot a lot of worry and fear and anxiety. But, yeah, you know, I think most parents, once they see that you're actually doing okay and making making money and made a good career for yourself, and then they kind of ease up, but totally understandable.

00:05:56:07 - 00:06:18:19

Yeah, they sort of want you to be in like a high profile career right away. That's great. Thanks for sharing so much. To talk about your own personal healing for your own life. Was there a moment, Was there a catalyst? Like at what point did you say, okay, I need to sort of dive into my own healing like this, this sort of this needs to be paid attention to?

00:06:18:21 - 00:06:45:05

Yeah, similar to like many people who join PD. Like, I also started Discovery discovering about like attachment style and everything after the breakup. But I think more than the breakup, I realized that I am not very sure what I you know, I was an avoidance of basically that a flip flop. You know, you experience that flip flop in everything, like relationships, friendships, careers, everywhere.

00:06:45:07 - 00:07:07:24

So, you know, more than the breakup. I was like, I need to figure out what's happening in my head. So I've had phases that you had the kind of the growth bottom. And then, you know, I consider myself as like a pretty resilient boss and then come out of that and we all came alive. But I'm not addressing the root cause of that issue was I'm just like coping.

00:07:07:24 - 00:07:21:20

Bye. So my coping mechanism was like my career. I kind of invested everything in my career and I'm going in my career. Then I'm happy. But everything else is like a mess, like, including relationships, right? So and relationships all day was like.

00:07:21:20 - 00:07:28:16

Like a classic feel full avoid I and the relationship is not chaotic. I find it boring and I stay away from it.

00:07:28:18 - 00:07:40:22

When the relationship is chaotic, I'm like, I'll stick to that. And then obviously that has its own side effects. So that was my life. And, you know, I think after that breakup which happened in 2021,

00:07:40:22 - 00:07:48:10

I was like, I need to figure out what's happening to me. And that's how I discovered the school and like, started my healing journey.

00:07:48:12 - 00:07:49:14

Right? Right.

00:07:49:14 - 00:07:57:13

so you mentioned that you came into the school because of a breakup.

00:07:57:15 - 00:08:10:24

a Did you sort of benefit in all the other ways that make you look inside and sort of deal with your own wounds?

00:08:11:01 - 00:08:31:11

Yeah. So in the beginning it was all about other girls. And like, I just wanted to understand what's happening with other boys that I can kind of like fix the relationship. I didn't know something was bothering me or something was wrong with me. Like, I was like, Oh, this is how it does, you know, This is our relationship should be.

00:08:31:13 - 00:08:51:11

I think at the beginning it was like that, like the first couple of months it was all about understanding that attachment style, but later. So initially I was I thought I was an EP because I was with an avoidant person and like I was very anxious. I was pull back to my anxious side and I thought I wasn't happy.

00:08:51:11 - 00:09:09:14

And I started watching twice as close and I'm like, okay, this like to be honest, like my trust issues were showing up like that. It felt like I didn't even trust like price or ties. I was like, Oh, this is just like a marketing thing. Yeah, this is just like talking about all these things in a YouTube video because people will.

00:09:09:14 - 00:09:38:09

And John, I'm like, you know, she can make money. That's what I was thinking. But then there was like 57 because I was going to check this out and then like, if it's good, I'll continue other babies and stuff. And then I binged like the All Aboard and like the videos in the beginning. And then I started watching AP because in the test also I was showing it was AP okay, But I couldn't relate to it completely like this certain things that I like, I could relate to it, but certain things I couldn't.

00:09:38:11 - 00:10:01:00

And then I discovered something that then we just watched that course as well. Just out of curiosity. And then I, when I watched that video, is like, this is this is me. And I think after that I kind of like understood that I need to, like, fix these things and I started focusing on myself and my journeys And the beginning, it was all about other books, maybe for like a few weeks.

00:10:01:00 - 00:10:24:08

And then after that, it was just all about me, just really fascinating to kind of understand what's happening in my brain. It was almost like I felt like she was talking to me that I wasn't. Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, it's so interesting. I think your stories, like so many others, they come into the school and it's all about kind of like, Why, why, why, why did this happen?

00:10:24:10 - 00:10:45:10

Why did this other person do that? Like, a lot of focus is on the other person. But then when you start to see that, well, it's kind of your wounds that are attracting you and keeping you in these sort of unhealthy dynamics. Not consciously like you're not obviously people don't want to be in an unhealthy relationship and they will choose people who treat them bad or disrespect them or don't meet their needs.

00:10:45:12 - 00:11:08:18

But if the subconscious comfort zone in the way that you're treating yourself, if you're not meeting your own needs, if you're not paying attention to yourself, if you're not being vulnerable with your own self, you're setting up the subconscious comfort zone for someone else to be reinforcing those things. So it's really wonderful how because we can all leave someone if they're unhealthy and everybody, a lot of people are always like, Oh, I've heard of these.

00:11:08:18 - 00:11:31:20

Toxic is toxic, but if you haven't changed the Quaaludes, that sort of led you to that dynamic in the first place, the next person you wanna be with is kind of going to be like the same the same story. And I'm sure we can all notice sort of. We look at our patterns of people that we've dated. If we don't do any healing work, it's kind of like the same type of situations over and over and over.

00:11:31:22 - 00:11:59:15

Funny. Yeah. I just wanted to add, like you mentioned, like toxic relationships, I when you are unhealed, you don't even realize those are like toxic relationship that for me I was like, Oh, this is how it should be. Like, yeah, there's a lot of romanticization happening in the media and movies and everything that, Oh yeah, relation should be like with all the drama and like had you believing it, it's all true.

00:11:59:15 - 00:12:28:09

Like you said, if that's an arm, if you grew up in sort of chaos and chaos, do you feels extremely normal and these giant emotional swings and, you know, fights and makeups and all that stuff, that feels like a normal relationship, right? So, yeah, that's really interesting. So it's curious like, how long ago did you hear about attachment theory and like, did you have like an aha moment where you're like, Oh my gosh, I need to I need to dive into this a little more?

00:12:28:11 - 00:13:08:22

Yeah, I heard about like I kind of just started researching it on like 2021 right before I found PDFs. Initially I was just curious, but like once I discovered the attachment style, especially about like the open attachment I avoid in attachment style, I think the most fascinating thing about understanding why you are the way you are that I was like, important, like, you know, growing up in the chaotic environment and that kind of dissolving in your attachment style and the way you look at the world and romantic relationships, that was interesting for me.

00:13:08:22 - 00:13:30:01

And the flip flopped. Like I had moments like this. This is a big me as I think I'm like asking myself, like, what do you want? Like, do you want to be in a relationship or do you not want to be in a relationship? Because I'm very happy when I'm not in a relationship. I'm very independent and self-sufficient, but at the same time I want a relationship.

00:13:30:01 - 00:13:54:06

The moment you get into a relationship, it's not it doesn't feel good. So I asked myself, like, okay, what is that you want? Like just make up a decision, make a decision. I'd like, you know, move on. But when I was watching The Fear Boulevard and of course I was like, okay, this is what I'm going through. Like that inability to kind of inability to kind of commit to a relationship.

00:13:54:06 - 00:14:25:06

But at the same time, one thing that was kind of interesting and overall like code words, like, you know, she talks about like you have some sort of a deal in front of you which is covered with all these words, and then you view the world through that lens and that was kind of interesting. Like, you know, the same one incident that when you look through the lens of those cold wounds, the incident looks like slightly different.

00:14:25:08 - 00:14:53:09

So I think Collarbones, there's the whole understanding about the attachment style was fascinating. And yeah, this like a ha moment for me. Absolutely. That's amazing. I'm so happy to hear that. So I know you obviously mentioned your fearful avoidant when you were in sort of the height of your fearful avoidant state. What were some of the most difficult part about being as fearful of avoidant attachment style?

00:14:53:11 - 00:15:22:08

Yeah, for me, like specifically in terms of like relationships, I would say that I wanted that extra drama in relationships. Like I wanted that chaos. And before as like the relationship that I were in, what had that like extra nails. And I thought that that's how it should be. And it's not like I didn't meet any good men or secure men.

00:15:22:10 - 00:15:48:21

I did. But then then there is like calmness and stability and security in the relationship and like, no, this is boring. And I don't want that. Like, we hear that like often first mentioning that the relationships are like just boring. And I did feel that. And so it's kind of interesting now when I look back at my relationships, I like people that I've met that like it's not even doesn't even reach to a relationship stage with insecure men in the past.

00:15:48:21 - 00:16:12:04

Like So yeah, I was like I was actually pushing them over when they were consistent and when they were giving me what I wanted. And I would stick with people who are like making my life chaotic. So looking back, it just makes total sense. But that time I thought that was how it should be. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense for sure.

00:16:12:06 - 00:16:32:17

And I know you're very career focused, career driven career is a big part of your life. How did you attach yourself to you at work? And so I think, yeah, at work I would say. So when I started doing videos, I was like, This is this whole relationship. It'll help you to become secure and find a relationship and I was just focused on that.

00:16:32:17 - 00:16:58:08

But once I started doing the work, it's like, that's like an important thing that I want to share. And also, like, it's not like the relationship that I get to prove. Every single area, like your career financial agreement, everything will get improved. And for me, I started seeing a lot of changes pretty early in my career, really off life like relationship took some more time because it was a little more deeper and scary for me.

00:16:58:10 - 00:17:28:00

But career I started seeing changes like I was comfortable in saying no to people, accepting of boundaries, and also some of the code ones of like not and of noteworthy imposter syndrome. I did feel like I'm like faking it at work. So those things like got improved a bit, improved a lot. And then I would say that college, I like this, you know, I used to have this like bonafides and then like there's a recovery phase.

00:17:28:06 - 00:17:51:02

So that also changed a bit. And I would say the needs like needs was always under the table, like what are the needs that I've met in my career so that I can show up better at work? And yeah, a lot of things. I would say the way I look at career roles, which is like my job also change afterwards.

00:17:51:04 - 00:18:20:19

Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that is so true. Like not just it doesn't just affect romantic relationships. That's sort of the primary thing that a lot of people focus on. But really when you eliminate some of these are wounds by nature, you're going to be making improvements in a lot of different areas. If you have like I'm not good enough for you, definitely that's going to affect your finances or you might not feel worthy or like I'm unworthy or ruined, like you might not feel worthy of abundance or making a lot of money.

00:18:20:21 - 00:18:44:15

So it's really wonderful how, yes, you can work on these or your relationships, but these courtrooms, they go deep and they affect all areas of life. So. And career, career especially. So that's really great that you made those shifts. I was just doing some research on some on some videos, and they were showing attachment style challenges in the workplace, but also sort of superpowers.

00:18:44:17 - 00:19:08:02

So each insecure attachment style, it shows they have challenges like ideas might not be want to be like teen oriented and they might not take place in the interpersonal relationships as much. So some people might view them as a little more cold or not caring. But they also have a superpower of being able to work independently and applying logic and intellect to situations.

00:19:08:04 - 00:19:36:08

So everybody kind of has a balance, but it's good to look at your your superpowers or the advantage you have, but also you want to know your challenges because, you know, if there's like a blind spot and then you keep sort of suffering or you might even burnout from from some of them, especially from people avoid if your mom would have a lot of wounds that can sort of burn them out because they're feeling they have to earn their worth and show their worth and not say no to people, things like that.

00:19:36:10 - 00:20:01:01

So I definitely and you probably agree with this, that when doing this work, very helpful for a fearful avoidance in the workplace specifically. Yeah, yeah, yeah definitely. And I just want to add something like when you see that a lot of good things are some of the traits that we acquired because of insecure attachments. I was like one example, like being independent and all of that, right?

00:20:01:03 - 00:20:21:05

Once you feel attachments and you feeling all the negative things and all those strengths, you can still keep it and you kind of like become a super human in a way. Like, you know, you still have all those things, but at the same time, you know, you kind of remove the cold wounds and everything and that's just better for you.

00:20:21:05 - 00:20:42:11

It's probably better than someone who is just let go kill you. You know, when you see that, that's I would say it's a it's a good thing. Like when you hear about when starting a healing from a place of struggle and all that. And it kind of makes you more resilient and appreciate yourself more then maybe like someone who's just like, go insecure.

00:20:42:13 - 00:21:06:24

Right. I love you mentioned that because I think sometimes you're worried that you're going to lose some of the things that are really helpful or fearful. Avoidance sometimes hypervigilance. Yeah, they're superpowers. So, you know, if they're in a job where they need to notice changes in behavior, if you're a therapist or a doctor or a lawyer, like really beneficial to be able to note the slightest shifts in behavior.

00:21:07:01 - 00:21:26:18

And yeah, you might be worried like, jeez, like this really helps me in my job. I'm going to lose that, but you'll still maintain some of those things. And also, like you said, get rid of rid of some of the things that are causing you pain and suffering. Yeah. So thanks for bringing that up. So previous they did do in the work.

00:21:26:18 - 00:21:50:15

What are some examples of issues that would come up for you in relationships specifically over and over? Yeah, relationships. I think one thing was not like setting boundaries, speaking up for myself, I think that was one huge problem I had. Like I was not able to tell like, this is what I need and this is what I expect and just keep quiet.

00:21:50:17 - 00:22:20:03

So the unseen, unheard code one was just fleeing all that over that. So, you know, that has changed tremendously. Like in my current relationship, I'm like being able to communicate like, you know, Hey, this is not working out. Like, this is something I would like to change in the relationship. And that has changed quite a bit. And also, I would say like understanding my own needs, I think, what am I expecting in a relationship?

00:22:20:03 - 00:22:51:12

What am I needs in the relationship? Those were not very clear for me. I didn't even know that there's something needs the whole idea. So yeah, I think, yeah, most of us are like that. Like, you know, there's something one needs like. Interesting, right? I would say that's the main, like communicating, speaking up for myself, understanding my needs, setting a boundaries, and also like this balance of everything in life.

00:22:51:12 - 00:23:09:14

I love relationship is one part of it. And there are other things like you don't have to go all or nothing in your life. And that's another classic trait of people avoid. And when they're in a relationship, they're like fully into it or like completely out of it. So I, you know, you don't have to be like that.

00:23:09:14 - 00:23:32:20

You can have balance in life and and you don't need chaos. That's I would say, one of the biggest learnings. You can have a peaceful relationship that you communicate everything that is transparency and mutual trust. Yeah, that was very alien to me at that time for sure. Yeah, I definitely can relate to black and white thinking and all or nothing.

00:23:32:21 - 00:23:56:08

You know, if somebody does something and somebody makes a mistake, you're like, I knew it. I can't trust this person, but really, like, you're going to make mistakes. Other humans are going to make mistakes. And if we do apply the black and white thinking to everything, we're really going to have these, like big swings, right? We need to sort of be able to see the gray area and have discussions around those those things.

00:23:56:10 - 00:24:21:12

But wonderful to hear that, you know, you speak up if something's not sitting well with you or there's something you feel like that's on your chest now, you get to sort of share that and not have that extreme fear of just sharing what's going on for you in a in a situation that's really great. Okay. So I want to ask if anybody's listening who is fearful avoidant, what do you think?

00:24:21:12 - 00:24:48:18

Like if they're starting this journey, what area do you think they should maybe first tackle or what would you say to them is a good first place to start? Yeah, I think for me personally it was the stories I knew I had like, you know, the understanding some of the major stories and, you know, it's all I think the first thing would be like accepting, okay, these stories exist in your head and accepting it as your stories and then trying to question them.

00:24:48:18 - 00:25:19:23

So basically the emotional thing told. I like some stories that's coming up. And then you kind of live down like opposing evidences of that stories. And sometimes the stories might be true, right? I think that that's a beauty about like hypervigilance. Sometimes you pick up something and sometimes it can be true, you know, even if it's true, like just sit with yourself and question all these stories and kind of differentiate the made up ones and the real ones.

00:25:20:00 - 00:25:52:09

That is a good place to start. And I personally, I've had a very interesting journey in the beginning, and I've heard many essays like talking to the school also, like at the beginning, it's like overwhelming. There's overwhelming emotions. Then you are like discovering yourself and that's okay. Like that's normal. And sometimes when people get into this overwhelming state real quick and they might continue their journey, but I would suggest like, you know, just like, stay with that.

00:25:52:09 - 00:26:17:13

It'll be uncomfortable for like a few months, but then it'll get better and better. And once you kind of unravel that story and like, once you're efficient and like, figuring out the story and reality, I would say like, just focus on your needs and then you're going to have like a beautiful life and it's like, you're so conditioning in trauma that you're trying to fix in like a few months.

00:26:17:13 - 00:26:42:20

If you if you get a little overwhelmed in the beginning, just give yourself some time and be good. Like, take it. Did you face like I was just rushing in, Like I was just looking to make like, if I can become secure today, that would be great. But sometimes that's possible. So give you some time and, you know, take it, take it at the pace that you would feel comfortable with.

00:26:42:22 - 00:27:03:14

Totally. Yeah, that's a good reminder. And I think people always, when they decide they're going to do something, they go like 150% and do it. Yeah. Which can be good for some things, you know, like, I don't know, the gym or your job sometimes for this type of hearing where like you said, you're I'm doing sort of like a lifetime career.

00:27:03:14 - 00:27:23:19

And so this can kind of bring up a lot of emotion and feelings and it's sort of something you got to not decide, you know, if things are getting a little too much to pull back a bit, you know, stop, take time and then go back to it. I don't think, you know, just trying to plow through it will be will be productive.

00:27:23:20 - 00:27:29:13

But, you know, definitely that's something to to keep in mind. And I'm glad you brought that up

00:27:29:13 - 00:27:47:03

I just want to pop in here and let you know We are doing a seven day free trial to the answers. Membership pass a PDS, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week. And on top of that, you get access to all of our different courses.

00:27:47:03 - 00:28:11:09

We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame, learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward. And last but not least, there's a daily community event. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day.

00:28:11:09 - 00:28:18:23

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00:28:18:23 - 00:28:23:22

So I wanted to talk to you about your coaching and your coaching experience in your practice.

00:28:23:22 - 00:28:45:10

Is there an area that you specialize in or that you focus on specifically? Yeah. So I am focused on the career area of their lives. I'm doing similar type of coaching, but specifically for the career area of your life. And I do like one on one coaching and the principals are like pretty much the same. Like I help you figure it out.

00:28:45:12 - 00:29:16:12

Like you have a limiting beliefs and cojones and your needs, but specifically to grow in an area of their life like that. And what would you say specifically and I know this was an issue for me in the past, but if someone is having a hard time finding a career that they're passionate about, what is something that you could kind of leave with our viewers today, what advice would you give somebody who knows that maybe they're not happy with what they're doing or maybe they're a young person and they're deciding what they want to do.

00:29:16:12 - 00:29:37:14

So what's the advice you can give about finding your passion and career? Yeah, I think the way I go about it is basically, you know, in the beginning of the session, you kind of asked them to, Oh, tell me, tell me like I was to tell me their dream career, like, you know, support, like nothing is like stopping you.

00:29:37:15 - 00:30:05:09

Money, geography, nothing is stopping you. And you're not listening to anyone's judgment or anything like that. What does a dream career And they kind of give you a beautiful picture of a career that is in alignment with your personality needs. Yeah. So that's that's how I start. And in the beginning it'll be there'll be a lot of limiting believes and I'll call warts and all that kind of pulling them back from achieving something.

00:30:05:09 - 00:30:39:03

So initially on that call boards and limiting beliefs and the stories that you have in your mind like, Oh, I want to do this, but like, you know, I try to focus on that, but and then later you kind of go to the needs part of it, like identify what your personality needs and and then you kind of understand, you know, your personality pays off and talks about it, like when you're when you have a career which is in alignment with your personality and you don't feel like a job, it would be like just an extension of your life.

00:30:39:03 - 00:31:02:17

Right. And and then, you know, and then the reality is like, you might want to have like a job, which is like not in demand at the moment. The sort of jobs which ultimately all of us want to make like a living and, you know, make money and grow in your career and all that. Sometimes maybe your dream career is not what the world needs at this moment.

00:31:02:17 - 00:31:32:07

Like, you know, that is this whole revolution of AI happening, right? Like maybe your dream career might be replaced by a sometime in future. But then the ideal thing that you would do over that is that these are my dream job and these are the roles. You know, there's other needs that I would like to meet, and these are the jobs that are available to me right now, which is good in demand, and then kind of find an overlap with like the whole process that you kind of map what you want and what the world needs.

00:31:32:07 - 00:31:53:12

And I may and then find a super imposed image of like, okay, so you might have to sacrifice on something like at the end, like you might find you maybe like you discovered that you want to find. You have a huge need for autonomy and see independence and a career that you could choose is probably becoming like a business person.

00:31:53:14 - 00:32:30:20

But then when you become a businessperson, you kind of like have certain things that you might want to sacrifice, certain skill set that you want to develop, which you might not have at the moment. And then that is your job to kind of hold in those skills and develop them during the process. So yeah, I love that. Yeah, I know for my own life I was handed the the book of, I don't know, 50 different careers you can choose from and I, I didn't think I resonated with any of them and I was really nervous because I was like, okay, I'll just start trying different careers in different fields.

00:32:30:22 - 00:32:55:21

And I had so many different careers, but a lot of them, I only lasted a year or two because it just didn't feel right. So if I sort of you know, if somebody told me early on, what would you do if there were no limitations on yourself, on whatever job you want, then you can start to start to see, okay, what do I like to do?

00:32:55:23 - 00:33:15:01

What do I like to do for fun when I'm not working? What do I put my attention on? What What conversation do I like to have? You know, I'm going with this like the need to course ask those questions. And it really brings out, okay, what do I naturally what does my subconscious mind naturally kind of push me towards and sending me signals.

00:33:15:01 - 00:33:42:23

And when I feel really uplifted and passionate, what are the things I'm doing when that happens? And then if you can tie that into a job like who? Like you're going to be pretty successful because like you touched on, you'll have that like natural energy, you'll feel satisfied, you'll be more present. There's just so many good things and it just seems like more doors open up to possibilities when you know what your natural needs are.

00:33:43:00 - 00:34:03:12

So that's what you might find and you might find something like unique to you. It might not be something that is like accessing the world right now or maybe like exactly that you wanted, but you can create your own career, you know that. That's what I like about like designing your life the way you want, right? Yeah. Yeah.

00:34:03:14 - 00:34:29:20

That can also happen. You might find, like, a new career for yourself, which is. Yeah, when you're sort of given that permission to open your mind into like, looking into where do you think there's a need, like because we all have things where we know like, Oh, I know this is inefficient, I could do this better or I know there's something I can do to improve this, but if we actually went for it and put our effort and energy into that, who knows?

00:34:29:20 - 00:35:01:07

Like Sky's the limit. And if you're thinking there's a need for something or the way that something can be improved, I guarantee you, like hundreds or thousands of people are thinking the same thing. So yeah, it's it's inspiring just to know that you can sort of take it wherever you want to go. It's awesome. Okay, so in your training with integrated attachment theory, where you train with ties, is there any tool within that you learn that really works well with clients as far as career coaching goes?

00:35:01:09 - 00:35:21:19

Yeah, I think that in the beginning when the client is coming to me for the very first of maybe like the first two or three sessions, that's the story. Question And this is most of my clients that I, I think like you kind of naturally gravitate towards a phase. But yeah, so the questioning, the stories helped in the beginning.

00:35:21:19 - 00:35:47:18

Like, you know, when they see that, like, Hey, I want to do this, but like, okay, then I'm helping them to question their own stories. And then later, like in the next maybe like the third or fourth session and maybe they go, I know it's a story. They are like telling me instead of me asking these questions. So that helps in the beginning, like the storytelling or story questioning part, which is the emotional processing tool.

00:35:47:19 - 00:36:15:18

And then later I'd introduce a needs course and Cold Ones is also like, you know, it's kind of like bad that it goes bad. And then I would say like when the storytelling ends that I introduce the core ones, you know, to like questioning that and that helps. And then once they kind of work on some of the cool, you see this major shift in their attitude and the way that the way they talk and everything.

00:36:15:20 - 00:36:42:15

And then I introduce a needs by then they are finding the true version of themselves. That's that's how it's structured, but it obviously changes for each client. But these are the I would do that. The tools that I use with like almost all the clients to discover who they are. Yeah, that's wonderful. So I wanted to shift into like, relationship talk a little bit.

00:36:42:17 - 00:37:04:00

Yeah. What do you think are some of the more sort of common issues that you hear people struggling with and why do you think this is so hard for so many people? Yeah, so even though that's an interesting thing, like most of the clients that have come to me like becomes a career issue. Like, I want I want to fix this problem in my career.

00:37:04:00 - 00:37:25:06

But then the deeper you get into, you know, the conversations about careers, sometimes the root cause, like if something is not working in the relationship that we kind of touch about, like relationships all becomes like a whole package, like life. It does like, you know, it's going to, like, overlap, like your career doesn't affect your relationship and vice versa.

00:37:25:08 - 00:37:48:11

So the most common thing, like maybe it's because most of my clients that I phrase with the boundaries, like speaking up for themselves, you know, they usually set boundaries when like, like after like not setting boundaries or multiple times, then they feel like for the hard boundary, which is not good for the relationship. Also, that's what I see the most.

00:37:48:13 - 00:38:09:03

And also, like they just get like engulfed in the relationship and then like everything else falls apart and then and they feel like, okay, this relationship is not working and this is a reason for everything else. So let me just put it aside. So yeah, that's the pattern I see most. But with my clients, it's not having boundaries.

00:38:09:03 - 00:38:35:05

The boundary is not just for the other person, like even for them. So it's like having that methodology. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Great answer. And then as far as just relationships overall, what would you say to the audience? What is something that's really important to keep a relationship in a healthy place? Like what's something that's an ingredient that needs to be there in order to have a healthy relationship?

00:38:35:07 - 00:39:09:20

Yeah, that's an interest I think I can talk about, like what I do, like in my in my relationship. I think the most beautiful thing about my current relationship is ability to communicate like, you know, whether it's good or bad. Like that's also important. Like you have to talk about what's going good, any relationship and also like certain things that is not working out for you in the beginning, like when you started dating, you know, we had this like monthly check ins, like, you know, will come together, you know, on a weekend like every month.

00:39:09:20 - 00:39:34:00

And then like, what's what's going good? What would you like to change and what more would you like to continue to like? That starts off continue kind of a thing. So I walk into both of us work in the tech industry and there's a lot of project management things that are happening. We kind of implemented like a version of getting online so that the waterfall or the Agile method, it's more agile.

00:39:34:02 - 00:39:51:23

So like, what was he on? Was that somebody you suggested and he was like, Wow, like I'm on board with this? Or is this something that he might have been doing in previous relationships? Like was he open to it right away? So this particular thing about like monthly check ins is something that I suggested. And he was like, Yeah, I mean, let's just do it.

00:39:51:23 - 00:40:12:02

You know, that's amazing. Like now we don't do it, but now it comes like, you don't have to wait for that month to kind of talk about things like, okay, something is not working out. Like, you know, like now then we are able to communicate like, Hey, I would like you to change this, or maybe like, I'm not liking it when you do this.

00:40:12:04 - 00:40:31:21

And and then we come up with a solution that I have to give credit to my partner for that Like every time that it's either me or him, like raising an issue, the next thing that he's thinking about is Nicole can be like, how can we change it? How can how can I change so that it doesn't happen?

00:40:31:21 - 00:41:00:16

Like, you know, so and then we think about, like, solutions instead of like sitting with the problem. Right? Right. And also like, appreciating like, hey, I like what you did for me that day. So I would say the most important thing is communication. And it kind of like when you have good communication that is obviously more transparency, more trust, and more like, you know, you're appreciating both or board love more, you know, affection.

00:41:00:16 - 00:41:26:14

Everything happens when you have good communication, so more understanding, so if I can just give like if I, if I can tell you like, like this is the only thing that you need to do in the relationship, that would be communication. Right. Right. I'm just curious. Such a beautiful process and I know it's very valuable. Is there like a is there does the partner say, hey, it's nice to say what's going well?

00:41:26:14 - 00:41:45:11

Like, that's going to be nice feelings and we're going to have a fun time sharing that is there. Like the partner is saying, listen, when you start sharing the things that are not going well that you're not happy with, I want you to know that whatever you share with me, I'm not going to get angry or I'm not going to reject you or abandon you or make you feel shame.

00:41:45:11 - 00:42:17:05

Like, is there sort of a a vibe or like, is it communicated that this is sort of like a safe sharing space? And what are you share with me? I'd rather hear what's going on for you and then we can work on it rather than you worry that you're going to say something that's going to upset me. Yeah, I think that's the in the beginning, the process of like having that time, you know, And that's also something that, again, that's again, a project management thing, but it's a formal feedback session, right?

00:42:17:07 - 00:42:43:16

So you're expecting like, you know, and you're not telling hear something like you had this horrible pause. That's not what's happening. It's more like, hey, these are the things that are bothering me in this relationship. It's more about me than me blaming you, you know? So that help in the beginning. And there are like incidents like, you know, personally for me, like certain things that you mentioned, I was like, okay, that's not what I am or that's not who I am and that's not what I'm trying to do.

00:42:43:18 - 00:43:09:04

And there are instances where it did feel bad, but the intention of that whatever time was not to blame me to that. But to find solutions. So when you find solutions, you're not really blaming the other person like this is a problem in the relationship. Let's just find solutions. And that's how we trained ourselves. Like right now, because of all that communication happened pretty early in the relationship.

00:43:09:04 - 00:43:32:10

Like now when if something is communicated in real time, I know that this person is not communicating or saying something bad about me orally or this relationship. This is not to criticize me. This is for improvement of the relationship, which is essentially good for me also. So give reset, please. Like now. In the beginning, yeah. There were like in sense of bad.

00:43:32:10 - 00:43:53:00

Okay, I didn't feel good. Okay. Why are you finding this to me? But I think you train yourself enough to be that these. Yeah, for sure. No, that's really lovely. Okay, so I want to ask you a little bit about, like, rituals. Is there anything that you're doing daily that sort of keeps you in a good place, in your job, in your relationship, and just your everyday life?

00:43:53:02 - 00:44:17:00

Any rituals that you're doing every day? I think the everyday ritual, like I try to meditate like everyday in the morning as sometimes I wake up to have a cup of coffee and then like I meditate for like ten, 15 minutes. That's something I've been doing for like a very, very long time. And after that I think like rituals change based on the phase that I'm in.

00:44:17:00 - 00:44:40:18

Like, you know, sometimes, you know, there was a phase when I was doing, you know, a high intensity workout. Like now you get into like rock climbing. So we kind of like need the need for like physical exercises, not just like for your body and for your mind as well, but something we try to do now. Yeah. And then it changes like there was a phase.

00:44:40:18 - 00:45:08:17

Then I go for drives for my own mental health. Mental health. Yeah. But the, the meditation or something which I do every day, I am wonderful. Okay, so we're coming towards the end of today's interview. Just a couple more questions. I was sorry if you could share or habit or strategy with the audience that can help them improve their view of their lives or their relationships with their loved ones.

00:45:08:19 - 00:45:41:16

I would say every single tool that PDS is offering, like the emotional processing tool, the cool ones, reprograming, artist intuition, visualization, the needs, because everything is useful, but it's important to pick the right tool depending on the stage that you have in your healing. Early days, I think the emotional crossing tone is very effective. But once you become really good with your story, questioning your stories and regulating your emotions, you know I mean the cord wounds also like kind of happens bad loading right now.

00:45:41:16 - 00:46:08:10

My favorite tools like when I meet the needs to and I'm doing something okay what does it mean that I'm trying to meet is what I'm asking myself. So, yeah, wonderful. Wonderful. And I know you mentioned to me you might be doing a career switch of your own. Do I know about that? Yes. So right now I work at MIT as a data engineer, and I'm planning to pivot completely into coaching, specifically career coaching.

00:46:08:12 - 00:46:34:08

And I'm planning, you know, to go back to school, get some formal education and continue coaching practice coaching as a side thing. So getting my education and coaching at the same time, yeah, that's like I'm getting full time into coaching. I'm excited for that. Oh yeah, for sure. That is exciting. Okay. And lastly, how can people get in touch with you if they did want to work with you?

00:46:34:08 - 00:47:03:10

And especially in the career space, how can people get a hold of you? Yeah, I do have a website out which is called WW w dot dot com, so you can book an appointment with me either for just one on one career coaching or interpersonal relationship coaching directly from the website. I also have like an Instagram page if you want to connect with me on Instagram that's also available.

00:47:03:12 - 00:47:19:08

Yeah, wonderful. And we'll put those up in the show notes so people can contact you there too. That was wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, your story and just all the lovely things you had to say. It was really informative and I hope you enjoyed the podcast today.