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Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host. Hayes Atkinson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.

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My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

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So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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I want to talk about the fearful avoidant attachment style love languages, and I'm going to talk about why they have the specific love languages that they do and the subconscious strategies they're using that love language for to communicate their needs. And I'm also going to tell you one other way that we as individuals tend to give and receive love in our relationships.

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You've probably heard the primary love language correlation that I've seen for the fear of war. When it happens. All our physical touch in quality time are two huge love languages in the romantic relationships. Now I want to talk about the way this presents, and I want you to know that this isn't the only way that we give and receive love.

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This is Dr. Gary Chapman's work. It's phenomenal. I couldn't agree with it more. But it's also not the only way that we give and receive love. We also give and receive love through our personality needs. These things that we identify with as our sense of self, that are part of ourselves, that at the subconscious level and impact our career choices and our behaviors on a daily basis.

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And our emotional response isn't all these different things. And the example of this would be if I have a really high need for personal growth, which I do, then I am likely to give my love to people, to friends, to family, to people that I appreciate through that personality need. Because to me that's how I receive it. And the mind, especially the subconscious level, tends to project from our perception that it tends to go, Oh, this is really useful to me.

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So I should share with everybody will be useful to everybody else. And so, you know, just as an example, when I didn't understand this consciously, I spent a lot of time at Christmas or different holidays throughout the year or just giving gifts to people, giving things that were related to that, you know, buying people tickets to workshop, buying people personal growth books, you know, all these different things and thinking like, oh, this will be so well received and I can't wait for them to read this.

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And often if somebody has a different personality need or a different set of personality needs, it won't necessarily be received that way. And so it's interesting to know that we have to not only be aware of how we give love and work through that and make sure that it can be received by a partner or a loved one if they have a different set of personality needs and also be on the lookout for how we allow ourselves to see and register the way that somebody else might be giving love in a way that we're not necessarily picking up on because it's not in our subset of personal needs.

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So, for example, let's say you have a partner who has a personality need around security, and maybe they're always trying to keep you safe, or maybe they're trying to buckle down on order and structure in the household. And maybe this is their way of like feeling ordered and organized and safe. And maybe they think they're doing this for both of you and maybe you don't see it because maybe that's not in your personality needs.

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And so you might miss the fact that they're loving you that way. So which is an important thing to be aware of. And I will go into the personality that you're providing tend to help because they can differ so much amongst all attachments out of it. So that's where it's a little bit more individualistic, even though there can be certain patterns.

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But the major love languages in terms of physical touch in quality time, the reason for this, the reason that these needs are so important are because these are the things that made the fearful of feel safe. So often. One of your loved one was growing up. Physical touch felt like controllable, like it was some kind of attunement. So their subconscious mind goes, okay, there's positive associations here.

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There's something really vulnerable, really deep. And remember, the fear of avoidant craves, depth and vulnerability because they equate that to safety and transparency, right? Like the more I can be super attuned and super connected, the more predictable my environment becomes. And when a fearful wouldn't often comes from a very unpredictable environment, that can be a really important thing and in quality time as well as bringing those same things about vulnerability, clarity in the interaction and all of those things, even though the fearful usually associates that with the personality need of emotional connection, which is in fact usually one personality me that I see amongst all fearful avoidance or at least like 95%, I can't even

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think of any exceptions off the top of my head, but I want margin for error. So what happens is like they might associate that with emotional connection, but on a deeper level, that emotional connection is also getting a basic human need for safety. Because in early childhood, the subconscious mind knows that, okay, if I lose connection to my caregivers, I'm abandoned by my caregiver.

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I'm not physically safe. I can't survive on the world on my own. When there's unpredictability in the environment, they crave as much connection as possible to reinforce that sense of safety. So the depth of that connection, the transparency, the more they can understand the person, the more they can navigate some of that chaos that's happening around.