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Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host. Hayes Atkinson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.

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My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony

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fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

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So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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I want to talk to you about five things she'd never say to a dismissive, avoidant attachment style. This is assuming that you're fairly early into the romantic relationship. So let's say the first six months, the first year, and it's quite early. So, number one, this is also assuming, by the way, that it dismissive of women has not been working on themselves.

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They're not developing emotional literacy and having deep conversations. This is like a day who's not interested in that stuff like that kind of dynamic. So first thing is, what are you feeling? This is important. Don't like to tap into their feelings, right? We know so much of their personality is about trying to avoid that part of themselves. So when you say to a date like, Oh, what?

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What are you feeling? A really great reframe because, by the way, I'll tell you the reframes for each of these and how to communicate instead. A really great reframe is what are you thinking about X, y, Z, and the more specific you are about it. So like, let's say you're in an argument and let's say the argument is about spending more time together and you're having the conversation kind of heated and you say, Well, what are you feeling that puts the date in an uncomfortable position within themselves because they don't want to tune into themselves the vast majority of the time.

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So a healthier approach is to say, well, what are you thinking about What works in terms of time or what are you thinking in terms of like negotiating, how much time we spend together, What are you thinking in terms of what amount of time would work for you? And then I want to share with you what amount works for me.

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And let's compromise. So you want to get specific and ask for thoughts over feelings. This is speaking more in the DS language the vast majority of the time and just feels less vulnerable as a general rule. Number two, to say to a dismissive point, You're doing this wrong. Okay? So if you get into a position where you're in a romantic partnership and you say you're doing this wrong, you're doing the relationship wrong, you're doing, you know, whatever it is, if there's something that you're doing wrong that lends really painfully for a dismissive of point, they have big wounds around shame and feelings of defensiveness at a deep subconscious level.

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And so rather than saying that healthier reframe is to say, Hey, here's what we could do to improve, right? So let's say they're doing something wrong with communication and texting. Tell them what you need instead with texting rather than saying you're doing this wrong, it will go such a long way. But dismissive wouldn't actually hear you and receive what you're saying and what you're needing rather than shutting down because they feel triggered and shamed and then not being able to really have that information anyways.

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Number three is saying that's embarrassing. Dismiss avoidance, really want to be accepted. They have again, these big shame wounds, the opposite of shame as either pride or acceptance, depending on the situation. And so they want to hear that things are accepted rather than embarrassing somebody by saying that's embarrassing, you can say, Oh, that's funny, that's a funny story.

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Thanks for sharing that. That was probably vulnerable, Like if you can share it that way and if something feels a certain way for you that's not healthy or you don't like something you can say, Oh, you know, thanks for sharing that. If it were me in the situation, I would have rather exploit that. So you can feel state like your boundary or your need or whatever it is relative to what the situation is about.

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But just to say that's embarrassing actually is so difficult for us to process. And I know some of you guys are going to be in here being like, I don't want to walk on eggshells with communication, but I'm putting a series out for all of the different attachment styles when it comes to like things that really trigger them to hear and relationships that we may not be consciously aware of.

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And by recognizing some of these patterns and things and just having like how they reframe is just so we can be mindful and considerate of all of our loved ones and some of their pain points and ones. That's actually part of what healthy interdependency is. I don't mean like bend over backwards and walk on eggshells, but I mean like if there's a few things that, you know, really land poorly, just changing the way you communicate, you can still get your point across.

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But just shift the the strategy you use to really share your point or to communicate.

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I just want to pop in here and let you know We are doing a seven day free trial to the artist membership. Pass a PDA, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. That means you get access to the four live webinars I do every single week. You can come in, you can ask me questions with your camera on.

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We can chat. You can leave your camera off, if you prefer, or type your questions in the chat. There's lots of opportunities to get your questions answered and on top of that you get access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame, learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward.

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And last but not least, there's also community elements in there. So there's a daily community event, whether it's practicing communication or doing a guided morning routine or a guided reprograming exercise. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. So I would love to see you on the other side.

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There's lots of exciting stuff in there and we have had a 99.7% NPS score, which means we have literally that many people who report being really successful apprize and wanting to recommend us to others. And it was all done anonymously. So I felt really honored that everybody shared that. So thank you to those who did. But yeah, please join me on the other side.

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Come check it out, see if it's a fit for you. I'd love to see you there.

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Topic number four that you shouldn't say is tell me everything because visible ones tend to like a little bit of their privacy and they like to open up slowly and they like to know that their privacy can be respected and their freedom and autonomy may and will be respected, usually as systems of when to become more secure and are in longer term relationships, and especially once your relationship has made it beyond the power struggle stage, it tends to be more open about stuff.

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But instead of saying Tell me everything, I ask just for specific details instead when dismissal, once you're telling me everything, they feel like I don't even know what that means. How do I speak in that language? That's overwhelming. That's pressuring, that's invading my privacy. Instead saying, we want to hear more about that. You know, things like that land a lot better.

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And number five is to ask them, what is the future? Here's what I want you to really know from number five is that it is really correct relationally and valuable and perfectly acceptable to ask about if somebody is interested in the future. But a lot of dudes do this thing in their head where they kind of like they really break things down and they don't want to know like the future isn't so open ended.

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They want to talk about specifics about the future. And so when you leave these things like open ended, the day often feels overwhelmed. They don't know how to respond and this is when they shut down. And so rather than saying what is the future, you know, what does the future hold instead? Say things like, do you see yourself wanting to progress in this relationship towards the future together?

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Get specific about it, because if you're more specific about it, the day here is that specific question and then they can answer and they don't feel like it's overwhelming or confusing in this like emotional domain of relationships that they tend to sometimes feel out of sorts within. So getting really specific is important and obviously asking what is our future in like two weeks of dating is different than asking what the future is a few months into dating.

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But I just want to articulate that when I say that it's an appropriate question to ask when you're moving along a relationship and things are getting more serious, but the way you ask it will make a massive impact on how open the door is to really like talking about it. Conversating with you and moving ahead. So I hope this is helpful.

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Thank you so much for being here and for watching.