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Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host. Hayes Atkinson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.

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My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected, and find harmony

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fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

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So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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I'm going to talk to you about five things you should never Say to a fearful avoidance. And I will tell you what you can say instead in terms of like just reframing your communications with lands really Well, the very first thing that you don't want to say to if you're avoiding it, is I can't tell you. Let's see if you're asking something, asking something vulnerable, needing more information about something.

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If your whole point center to really need transparency, to make the relationships work. So don't shout them out. Don't say I can't tell you if there's something you don't feel comfortable sharing with a fearful of. Wouldn't even be transparent about that thing and why you don't feel comfortable. So an example would be, let's say you're just getting to know if you're a little boy and it's early and they want to know something about your past rather than just saying, I can't tell you that and just shutting it off right away.

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The fearful avoidance and their trust world will kind of start to spiral a little bit and get really suspicious. And once trust is really broken for a fearful of what they can kind of go cold in their relationships and really pull away. So instead say something like, I'm not ready to share that just yet, because then it feels really vulnerable for me.

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But let's keep getting to know each other and maybe I'll share that in the future. So just be transparent about I feel vulnerable. I feel that that's a little early for me to share that with you. You know, I'm not open to sharing it just yet because I feel embarrassed about it, because I feel nervous about it is share y you have a boundary around something and that will really help the fearful dramatically.

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Like respect the boundary, care for your boundary and leave that alone because people would contend to relate to that. As a general rule, they sometimes don't want to open up too quickly either, and so they'll appreciate and respect that you are saying it that way, but just saying, Oh, I can't tell you you're going to get the feel of avoiding feeling triggered or went cold.

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Number two, anything along the lines of you're not doing enough, you're going to tend to like over compensate. They tend to carry this. I am going to where they are willing to. They'll tend to like over almost like try so hard to be hypervigilant about your feelings and your needs and show up, especially if they really are interested in you romantically in a relationship.

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So if you ever tell them you're not doing it enough, that can make them feel really like undervalued, unseen, unheard, frustrated. And so that can be something that really causes them to shut down. And instead of saying you're not doing X, Y, and Z, try to say, Hey, would love if we could X, Y, Z. It's a really healthy, communicative reframe where you can just say, I need us to do more of X, Y, Z.

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So let's say it's a date night and see you're needing more quality time with your fearful of what you would say. I would love for us to to plan a really fun date this Friday or this Saturday or do something together Sunday afternoon. And so like by just planning very specifically and seeing what you need and making it exciting and light and fun, it really speaks to the fearful avoidant rather than saying you're not spending enough quality time.

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So you can see like the big difference there. Number three, you should X, Y, z. And really this is like you should pay attention to me more, you should care for me more. Anything that's like saying that you need something more from them in some way sometimes, especially if there's like an expectation that's in the dynamic. Any aspects and again, triggers that like wounded the fearful boy and that's where they often feel taken advantage of.

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So anything where you're like, you need to do this, you need to pay for the bills, you need to instead of just saying you need to, because that that language like it's really triggering for the fearful waiting, feeling like, oh, you know, you're expecting so much from me instead saying, Hey, I have a need where X, y, Z, okay, So I have a need to split the bills and really have a go halfway on things I know I paid last time.

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Where you comfortable to be this time? And just like really doing it that way feels like if you've always been considered in the process of communication, which is extremely important, the next thing is saying to if you're a little boy, I can't right now or anything that cuts them off or stonewalls, then fearful forwards really don't like to feel unimportant, like they don't matter, like somebody is annoyed by them or like they're annoying.

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They tend to also be like disrespectful. So if you are brushing off your flow and not just try to be mindful about how you're saying that you need a second to focus or finish on focusing whatever you're doing. So let's say that it's a marriage. Let's say one partner in the marriage says the other. I can't read, I'm busy.

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You know, if your will wouldn't will tend to receive that really painfully. And instead you can say something like, hey, I'm just in the middle of something. I can't focus right now, but I'll be present with you when I'm finished. Okay? So just like making sure you don't brush them off that way can be really important and much better received.

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So doesn't trigger the fearful when they don't go down. Like the storytelling of I'm disrespected, I don't matter. And sometimes I see a lot of people doing that with fearful wouldn't not realize the impact because maybe they had a childhood where that happened a lot. And so they don't think twice about it. But we're careful when it can be really triggering.

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I just want to pop in here and let you know We are doing a seven day free trial to the artist membership. Pass a PDA, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. That means you get access to the four live webinars I do every single week. You can come in, you can ask me questions with your camera on.

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We can chat. You can leave your camera off, if you prefer, or type your questions in the chat. There's lots of opportunities to get your questions answered and on top of that you get access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame, learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward.

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And last but not least, there's also community elements in there. So there's a daily community event, whether it's practicing communication or doing a guided morning routine or a guided reprograming exercise. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. So I would love to see you on the other side.

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There's lots of exciting stuff in there and we have had a 99.7% NPS score, which means we have literally that many people who report being really successful apprize and wanting to recommend us to others. And it was all done anonymously. So I felt really honored that everybody shared that. So thank you to those who did. But yeah, please join me on the other side.

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Come check it out, see if it's a fit for you. I'd love to see you there.

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Before I tell you the fifth thing, if you want to do a deeper dive in this, I have an entire communication script. Of course, it's about 60 different scripts for all the different attachment styles. And like what? How to communicate different things to each of them. Like your needs, your feelings, your expectations, your wounds, your fears, like so many different situational things.

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And it gives you these scripts and the specific re frames that are going to land well with the person of that attachment style. And you can like print off all the scripts. So there's all these scripts in there and I take you through the course and also talk about objections and reframes and things that can come up so it can really help you fine tune your communication.

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And last but not least, number five is you have to do it my way. Anything that's related to like not considering the fearful avoidant part of that is that a lack of consideration is triggering for trust because so much of trust is built upon. Do I feel like you're considering me and my needs and myself as a person and vice versa?

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Consideration equals a core component of trust and building that trust. If I feel like somebody is never going to consider my feelings or my needs in a relationship, I'm not going to trust them. Right? Consideration is so important for fearful avoidance, but also this dynamic of control for who wouldn't tend to respond really poorly to control it triggers a big I am helpless werewolves and they don't like to be controlled.

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So it's like it's my way or the highway with a fearful avoidance instead of, Hey, this is my need, this is something I really need in the relationship. Can we compromise on it? Can we talk about a need? I want to share this with you. If you vulnerably share a need or Hey, I really want to do it this way because I need X-Y-Z.

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If you say it that way, that it has to be done this way. It's going to make a world of difference. Terms of actually getting your need met. If you try to say it has to be done this way and you just try to like push that down, that person, they're going to feel so trigger and frustrated and you're going to get a huge rebellion out of a fearful boy in that specific situation.

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So hopefully this is a helpful start for you, sort of fine tuning your communication and realizing what works with different attachments styles. Let me know in the comments below if you want to see anything else about this. I can definitely do like a follow up series or if you have specific things that you want to dive into or just check out that communication script.

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Of course, if you want to go through so many different things that pop up, I pick like the most common situations and fears and wounds and wrote everything out. So you can use those scripts for like text messages to model after like actual in-person conversations. And just prepare yourself a little bit first and really start seeing the patterns and the information that's there for how each attachment cell receives information communicated to them in a way that makes them open to it and it lands well and it actually works in terms of the relationship so that you can feel seen and heard and understood by your partner.