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Hello and welcome to the Personal Development School Podcast. I'm your host. Hayes Atkinson, and I create regular podcast episodes to teach you about your relationships, attachment style and the subconscious mind.

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My goal of this podcast is to give you tools and awareness you need to thrive in your relationships, feel deeply connected and find harmony

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fulfillment in your relationships and personal life.

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So I hope you tune in here with me each and every week.

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I want to talk to you about five things you should never Say to an anxious attachment style. But there's a really important way of phrasing these conversations that they can be properly received and heard by your anxious partner that won't necessarily trigger them so badly, where then they kind of go into that cycle of feeling almost like they can't hear you.

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It's almost like there's, you know, anxious, preoccupied when they get really triggered. They go to survival mode. And so conversations just aren't going to flow in that same way until they're out of that triggered state. Apps are amazing. They like really tend to care and want to resolve problems, want to hear their partners, really want to be present.

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But when they're really triggered, it's so difficult for them to be. So the very first thing that you don't want to stay in a relationship unless it's well thought out, is that you are very uncertain about the future and this can be your future or your future together with your partner. And rather than saying something like this, because this really triggers their app, first of all, they have an unmet need at that point for like certainty and commitment.

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And secondly, it triggers their abandonment wounds and feelings of not being safe because they feel like their primary attachment figure is pulling away. And if you have uncertainties about the future instead of saying, I don't know about the future or I don't know if we're going to be together in the future or making comments like that, instead take that information and orchestrate it in a way where you say, I am concerned about ex-wife, that in the future, how could we solve for it?

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Or I have uncertainty about where we'll be living in the future. What would we do right to like isolate the specific thing that's concerning you about the future? And rather than just leaving these open ended comments about all I'm not sure about the future. I don't know what the future gets specific and then be solution oriented about it.

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And then the very least you can try to form those solutions. And if nothing fits and maybe you decide it's not the right relationship or it's not going to work, but when you just drop these things in an open ended manner in the middle of a conversation or relationship, it's so difficult and it really weighs a lot on the anxious, preoccupied person.

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And even if it seems to be resolved in the moment, usually peace events are just like repressed because they don't want to have conflict or they don't want to. They go into people pleasing mode, essentially, and then they portray themselves and end up just like storing this stuff and panicking about it later to varying degrees. So really important to communicate carefully that way.


Number two is something that can be really trying for that individual that you don't want to say is something in comparison to somebody else. Anxious, preoccupied individuals. They tend to struggle a little bit with jealousy, but they really struggle with chronic compare more than anything else. And of course, like we have other attachments also can struggle with that a little bit as well but apps more than others as a general rule.

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And so if you are in a relationship and you're like, Oh well, so-and-so has a better job than you or so-and-so, I just really love, you know, they're out for tonight and it's not as much yours, you know, these like passive comments. Sometimes I find that individuals who are in a relationship with an anxious, preoccupied person don't realize how much this really, like hits home in a harmful way and sort of lays this person down because it is conflicting.

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They have to prove themselves to be good enough in order to receive love from their partner. And so when there's this comparison, especially if it's comparing them to somebody else and the other person is being compared more favorably, then it can be really challenging for the individual. Number three, it's really important that if you are somebody who doesn't have feelings that are moving as quickly as the anxious, preoccupied person, but you're in a committed relationship with them that you don't say, Oh, I don't love you back, or I don't feel the same way you do.

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I notice that partners of apps and those apps will develop feelings of love first, and they'll fall in love with their partners first rather than the partner saying, Hey, I'm developing really strong feelings for you, but I'm just not quite on the same page. But I know I'm going to get there. And something that still gives validation, gives reinforcement, and that's a partner.

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I hear this usually in the history of doing many client sessions with apps that the partner would just say like, Oh, I don't feel the same way, or I'm not sure how I feel yet. And again, these open ended ambiguous statements can be so challenging for the anxious, preoccupied person because it makes their mind jump to worst case scenario.

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Conclusion. So rather than being like, Oh, I'm just a step ahead, I just feel more comfortable with love and vulnerability and openness and just developing feelings a little bit faster. Instead, they think like, Oh, you just don't feel the same way. You're not going to feel the same way. And so it's really important that you phrase that in like that really important way as well.

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Assuming you are in a romantic relationship with an app and you're just not quite on the same page yet, but you know that you're developing a lot of feeling progress, a lot of progress in your feelings. That's a really important way of articulating it, because then it won't be received by the person in such a challenging way That then again puts stress on the relationship, increases that person's anxiety, and then, especially if you're an avoidant person, will sort of start getting that vicious cycle, moving up the anxious, avoid trap or both of you start kind of triggering each other back and forth.

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I just want to pop in here and let you know We are doing a seven day free trial to the artist membership. Pass a PDA, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. That means you get access to the four live webinars I do every single week. You can come in, you can ask me questions with your camera on.

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We can chat. You can leave your camera off, if you prefer, or type your questions in the chat. There's lots of opportunities to get your questions answered and on top of that you get access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame, learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward.

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And last but not least, there's also community elements in there. So there's a daily community event, whether it's practicing communication or doing a guided morning routine or a guided reprograming exercise. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. So I would love to see you on the other side.

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There's lots of exciting stuff in there and we have had a 99.7% NPS score, which means we have literally that many people who report being really successful apprize and wanting to recommend us to others. And it was all done anonymously. So I felt really honored that everybody shared that. So thank you to those who did. But yeah, please join me on the other side.

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Come check it out, see if it's a fit for you. I'd love to see you there.

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Number four is if you cancel plans, something you shouldn't say is like, I'm just not going to make it. I'm just not interested. I'm just not going to be there. I just can't hang out. I just need time to myself. A better phrasing of this is I'm not going to make it. I didn't want to see you, but currently I just need x, Y by x, y, z.

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I mean like you explaining why you're canceling and what's going on. I find very often in the anxious avoidant tropical like the the avoided person will just I can't be there. Sorry, can't make it and just sort of leave it like that. And the apps mine just really runs around in circles and circles and circles and they sort of get into a position where they're really fearing like, what does that mean?

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What's going on? And so if you just say something that's a little bit more gentle in terms of explaining why you can't make it and even planning again for the next date or future, then that will be something reinforcing. And number five, if you need space in general and you're just needing that time to yourself, it's important. You don't just say, I need space.

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You have to explain a little bit similar issue number four there, which is like I need space because I'm somebody who needs a little bit more time alone because I'm somebody who needs to recharge with friends, because I'm somebody who needs time with my community, because I'm somebody who needs to take just this opportunity to have independence and autonomy in my life.

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But I still care about a romantic relationship. So number four and five were similar, but different in the sense that one is canceling plans. One thing I need more space in the relationship as a whole. I need more time to myself. And again, both follow those same key principles, which is explain why and then say something positive. A reassurance.

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Granted, this is only if this is the way that you're feeling in the relationship. Of course, if you're like at the end of the relationship and you're thinking about leaving, obviously that's a different conversation. But these are ways of communicating your needs, your opinions, your feelings in the relationship with age is a person that are likely to be best received and if you want to do a deep dive, like really deep dive into this and have scripts that are actually laid out before you, you can check out our communication script, of course, and it goes through all the different attachments, cells and how to state your needs, your triggers, your fears, all sorts of different

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things, how to ask for different important qualities in a relationship or characteristics or things that are missing. There's over 60 different scripts, and it's literally all about how to communicate to your your person of a different attachment style. And it goes through all of these different dynamics and they're laid out before you so you can just practice, you can use them to communicate over text or all sorts of different things.