How To Never Date A Narcissist Again!
 Love, Dating & Relationship Advice

 I'm gonna talk to you a little bit about an exercise that you can use to help yourself reprogram your subconscious mind to be able to leave a narcissistic relationship.

Please check out the previous video I made. It was all about like being able to exit and what the steps are and some really important things to keep in mind. And that first step is sort of to put on that suit of armor and kind of do emergency control over, you know, being able to, to. Maintain that distance from this person because it's gonna be really challenging in the early stages.

And then we wanna go into the next major components here. We wanna talk about how to like really overcome some of these different pain points and how to make sure that our subconscious mind is, is reprogrammed so we will not go back into a situation like this again. I just wanna put this reminder out here, for a lot of you guys who are probably super empathetic, super you know, aware of other people, when we have awareness, what we have to make sure that we don't fall into the trap of is using that awareness, that compassion, that empathy.

 As something that we use to kind of go against ourselves, because sometimes when we really see other people, we really notice what they're feeling, what their experience is like. Sometimes we can justify, oh, well they're just going through our time, or they're just, they went through a lot of trauma, so I should just stay.

And sometimes we fall into that trap. And I just wanna be really, really mindful and, and let you guys know that when you see other people's pain and suffering. you have to see your own pain and suffering equally. So that's like the art of being able to manage relationships effectively, is to be able to see both parties equally.

Take both parties into consideration equally, like, I can see your needs, I can see mine, and if we are seeing somebody else more than we're seeing ourselves and then we're justifying their behavior in a way that hurts ourself, then that can become a really problematic situation long term. So just something really important to keep in mind.

 So with all this being said, here is an exercise I wanna take you through. So that you can really overcome and be able to like move away from this dynamic. Now, what I want you to start by doing, and this is just in relationship to needs because what happens and what gets us so hooked at a subconscious level to the narcissist in a relationship, because that's what happens when people go through this.

 Is that the narcissist tends to represent profoundly unmet needs that we hunger and thirst for. And so when they're met by the narcissist, especially in a very strong degree, the subconscious mind sort of forms this addictive bond and it, it wants to just like latch on and hang on to that because it's like, wow, these needs are being so met that I don't wanna leave the narcissist because then I leave these needs being met behind.

And so what I want you to start by doing is, and we can do this together, Get a pen and paper if this is something you've been through. This may not be in narciss in a romantic relationship. This might be in a workplace dynamic. This might be with a friend that you sort of have this codependent relationship with.

It could be with a family member, could be anything. So, so start by making a list of what this person represents to you. What needs do they really truly meet for you? They keep you going back. They keep you hooked. Especially when your conscious mind is like, hold on, this isn't healthy. And your subconscious mind keeps dragging you back in sort of this addictive way.

So number one, we'll often see that you feel seen by this person, okay? That they make you feel like when you're with them, they can be really present usually. If you actually pay close attention, this really trails off over time. But we get programmed to believe that this person can really, really see us because usually in the love bombing phase, the really early stage of dating where this comes about, you'll see a lot of this dynamic take place.

So this person may make you feel seen, may make you feel heard, special, important cherished, valued, wanted cared for, protected, doted on. And a lot of times I hear things like in different forms from people, like, oh, this person brings my dreams to life, kind of thing. Like, they do all the things that I wanna do, you know, when I wanna do them or if I mention something they like, really show up for it.

These sorts of things. So write yours specifically. What does this person represent to you? And you can do it like in a column, right? So on the way down, vertically and put these different things out. And so what are the major needs this person represents? And in the next column, next to it, go through line by line for all those needs that you wrote out.

And then make a list of how. Well, you would rate yourself in terms of showing up for yourself in the relationship to yourself to meet these needs from one to 10. So for example, how often do you make yourself feel seen? You know, do you see your feelings, your emotions?

Do you care for them? Do you see your boundaries and execute them, like execute on them, like show up for them? Do you see your needs and communicate them and talk about them so you can get heard, right? So like seen and heard, for example. How well do you show up in these areas from one to 10? How often do you make yourself feel important?

 Or do you find yourself often making other people feel more important than you because you're always prioritizing them and deprioritizing yourself and your own needs. How much do you think make yourself feel cherished or encouraged? Do you build yourself up, really care for yourself?

Tell yourself how great you are, and not necessarily in like an arrogant way, but like, Hey, I can do this. I've got this. You know, if you're in a scary situation, do you protect yourself? Do you say, no, this is not appropriate, this is not okay for me. Do you really take a stand on things in the relationship to yourself?

 So in case you haven't noticed, I'm going through the different needs that you put down and score yourself from one to 10. I'm just giving you some examples. Do you make yourself feel doubted on or do you find yourself kind of like always dotting on other people, always kind of looking out for other people, not looking out for yourself in the same way?

And what you usually see is that in this area, you'll get into this vicious cycle because usually you're not really showing up for yourself in a lot of these places to begin with. It's not usually your subconscious comfort zone to do so. Cause often in in childhood, you lost the ability to do some of these things.

So then when somebody comes along that does this, it's like, oh my gosh, my thirst is quenched. Like. All these needs are really being met. And then what it does, and this is where this can become quite insidious in terms of how this works at the subconscious level, is then because you're outta relationship to yourself in these areas, then your subconscious mind over depends on this one person to meet these needs for you, which actually further puts you out of relationship to yourself in these areas because you're like, wow, this person's mean to my needs.

So I am literally going to. Cater to them so much so that I don't lose them, so that these needs keep getting met and this is what the subconscious mind tends to do. In sort of a survivalistic way. Now, what's really important to keep in mind here is that this vicious cycle just disempowers us more and more over time.

And then when the narcissist behavior becomes painful and unhealthy, we tend to rationalize or justify it, right? Because we will rationalize and justify things in order to get our needs met. I wanna give you an example. There is a wonderful book that I highly recommend everybody reads. It's a really easy read.

 Really beautiful book. I read this book a very long time ago now. But this book is called The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. And a lot of you probably read it already or at least read the four agreements or something like that. Now this book talks about this really wonderful analogy and the analogy is about this magical kitchen.

 And the analogy goes something like this. Let's imagine that you have a magical kitchen and you can snap your fingers if any food is created. You want a pizza, you snap your fingers, you have a pizza, you want an ice cream cone, you snap your fingers, you have an ice cream cone, you want a healthy meal, snap your fingers done.

And then let's say somebody comes to your door one day and they bring you a pizza and they say, Hey, I will give you a slice of my pizza. If you do all of these things that I expect you to do, all my chores, my dry cleaning, kiss my feet, whatever it might be, you're gonna be like, No, I'm good cuz I can snap my fingers and get my own pizza right here, like without any stipulations.

 and what that is an analogy for, or what you can think of this as being synonymous too, is like self-love, right? then imagine one day that somebody comes along and you lost your magical kitchen. Your magical kitchen hasn't been working, you don't know what happened. You think it's gone forever.

And then they come along and they come to your door and say, Hey, I'm here. You can have a piece of my pizza and you have to throw all these stipulations and you're starving and your kitchen's not working. You don't even know how to get food cuz you've depended on your kitchen for so long that you don't even know what to do with yourself.

If this person comes along and says that to you, you're probably gonna accept the stipulations because you're starving inside for the pizza. And so the same sort of analogy applies to self-love. It's like if we can love ourselves and fill our own needs, it doesn't have to be perfect, but just at least halfway.

So we're sufficient. And we're in a rooted, grounded, balanced place cuz we can rely on ourselves to meet a lot of these needs in the relationship to how we treat our own feelings, boundaries, emotions, needs, all these different things. Then when somebody comes along, that hurts us in other ways too.

They meet our needs a lot here, but they hurt us too. We objectively can see like, Hey, this isn't okay for me, and we're willing to move away and take space. And when we're starving for something, we're not so likely to do. So we're more likely to put up with the unhealthy behaviors because we're so reliant.

 We need that piece of pizza. And so this is that analogy, right? So what you're doing here in this exercise is, number one, you're making a list. Of all the things this person brings. Number two, you're making a list of how much you show up from one to 10 in these areas with yourself and really write this out.

Like do this cuz you're gonna see like usually we're hitting like a four, a five if that. Sometimes it's like a one or a two in a live area. So we're usually like kind of hungry here. And then notice how much this vicious cycle tends to repeat itself. And then what we wanna do is we wanna break out of it.

So you wanna ask yourself, going back down almost in the third column, how can I start doing these things for myself? How can I make myself feel, seen, heard, special, important, all these different things we talked about. And what are some strategies? And this is a brainstorming exercise. You know, if you ever, by the way, wanna do a deeper dive in this, in our needs course inside p d s, our advanced needs course, it's all about our needs and then how to meet them ourselves and how to communicate them effectively to others so we can get healthy sources in lots of areas.

Really great course for specifically solving this, this step now make a list of how you can get healthy sources here. And then what you wanna do is you wanna get your subconscious mind on board by repeating this once. We can start using repetition, cuz repetition is largely what reprograms the subconscious mind when we can use repetition for about 21 days.

Our subconscious mind will start thinking. We can rely on ourselves. At first. It's gonna feel weird For the first few weeks, we're gonna be like, yeah, but I compliment myself. It doesn't even feel that good. After 21 days or so, you're gonna start feeling a sense of comfort there, where it's not like you're gonna compliment yourself and think you're the best human in the world, but you're gonna compliment yourself and you're gonna be like, yeah, I see that.

You know, maybe you say, I worked hard today, and you're gonna be like, yeah, I feel good about that, and it's gonna be this like thing that lands. And the way you see your boundaries and, and execute them and talk about them and see your needs and meet some, you know, many of your different needs, they'll all start to land with you and your subconscious will build this actual subconscious component of self-reliance, not an intellectualized idea, but actual habits, behaviors, things that feel good for you.

And this is immunity to future dynamics like this. And, and it also helps us to be able to be whole on our own so that we aren't starving, like in that magical kitchen analogy. So this is a really great place to start. And I hope this helps.