00:00:00:07 - 00:00:20:03
Thais Gibson
So I want to talk about one of the biggest reasons fearful .avoidant pushed people away when they do. And there tend to be two main categories as to why I push people away. The biggest one is that they get really triggered and so they try to push the person away. That triggered them as a subconscious strategy to push the feelings that they are associating with the person away.

00:00:20:04 - 00:00:41:22
Thais Gibson
So, for example, if somebody is making the fearful wouldn't feel rejected, they might push the person away. That rejected them as a strategy to try to push the feeling of rejection away. Right. If the person's making them feel unsafe, you know, same thing. So so that's the biggest, most common one. But there's a secondary very strong one. But it's about the fact that fearful .avoidant also can struggle to regulate.

00:00:42:05 - 00:01:06:04
Thais Gibson
And when a fearful one is struggling to regulate, what this essentially means is co regulation is this idea or concept that we are able to tweak and change our behavior in a way that coordinates with another partner or another person so that we can basically take each other into consideration and help each other achieve this harmonious emotional state between two parties.

00:01:06:16 - 00:01:30:18
Thais Gibson
Now, co regulation, you might think of a fearful .avoidant and think, hey, if you're well with their amazing a co regulation, they're constantly changing their emotional state and and checking with other people's needs and taking people into consideration. And that is true but co regulation goes both ways and fearful .avoidant are often not allowing themselves to receive co regulation from somebody else.

00:01:30:18 - 00:01:58:24
Thais Gibson
They might be giving that to somebody else, They might be tweaking and changing themselves. But if you have blocks to receiving co regulated behaviors from other people, you're going to eventually feel burned out by them because your energetic exchange is one sided. And you might feel, for example, like being around people is you dumping and giving all of your emotional energy to somebody, but then having difficulty actually receiving that same kind of support and energetic exchange back.

00:01:59:10 - 00:02:28:17
Thais Gibson
So in this video, I want to just unpack how important this concept is and how important it is for fearful .avoidant to learn to co regulate healthily with others and actually receive. And I want to talk about some really key steps to go through four key steps that are absolutely necessary for a fearful avoidant to work through and work on in order to achieve co regulation and thus have this healthy exchange between two parties that allows them to foster securely attached relationships.

00:02:28:17 - 00:03:08:05
Thais Gibson
Because honestly, without co regulation, you're not really having a proper secure relationship. There can be elements of it, but there's definitely really big elements missing. So number one, your people wouldn't have to actually receive from other people. And that means starting by reprograming your fears around receiving fearful .avoidant often fear that if they receive from other people they will be a burden, and then abandoned fearful ones often feel unworthy of receiving from other people and fearful of and often have these major beliefs deep down in their subconscious mind that say, if I rely on other people, I'm going to be left feeling helpless and powerless because they're not going to show up for me.

00:03:08:05 - 00:03:28:15
Thais Gibson
Now, where do you think this comes from? This comes from some kind of past experience that conditioned them with a fearful, avoidant attachment style to begin with and fearful .avoidant as a result of any past traumas, especially traumas to co regulation. They they learn okay co regulation and learning to rely on other people I can't trust. It leaves me feeling helpless and powerless and trapped and I'm unsafe.

00:03:29:02 - 00:04:00:09
Thais Gibson
And so all of these things will really deeply block the fear flowing from properly co regulating on the receiving end. And so this is an extremely important experience because without that what ends up happening is fearful ones pour into their relationships, they don't receive, and so they have to sabotage at some point they have to push somebody away because in pushing somebody away, they allow that space to reregulate themselves since they feel unable to reregulate through co regulation with others.

00:04:00:21 - 00:04:19:20
Thais Gibson
So this really, really powerful concept. So that first step is like learning to receive by learning to rely on other people. And in order to do so, we have to reprogram our fears around what it means to rely on others and to receive. And that can be done through a lot of subconscious reprograming work that can be done through auto suggestion tools or different tools we have inside PDS.

00:04:19:22 - 00:04:44:08
Thais Gibson
The next thing is fearful of what you have to then do a little bit of exposure, work on communicating their needs to other people. They actually have to be able to open up and communicate what they need If somebody is not meeting their needs and that can feel very vulnerable at first. But think of it as like you're, you know, like I live in Canada at most of the year and, you know, you have to shovel your driveway and clear a path, right, to get out if it snows a lot.

00:04:44:08 - 00:05:03:21
Thais Gibson
And the way I like to think of this is by expressing your needs and doing that vulnerable work. You're like shoveling the barriers to coagulation away. So it clears a clean path for you to be able to travel along, right? It's like, okay, once I, I communicate my needs and I remove my fears together, right? I learn you can communicate them.

00:05:03:21 - 00:05:26:10
Thais Gibson
I recondition those old fears, those old stories. I now cleared the path to be able to open up this this. It's not an energetic exchange, but it's a good analogy for it, right? It's this. Well, it is. It's like an exchange of energy in a lot of different forms. Emotional energy, physical energy, Like you might be giving something physically to somebody or receiving physically materials, finances, time from somebody else.

00:05:26:10 - 00:05:45:06
Thais Gibson
All of these things are forms of energetic exchanges, right? So those are the first really, really crucial pieces. Number three is fearful of witness need to learn to regulate their nervous system. Right. And this is something that they have to do on their own first and do a lot of nervous system regulation work. It's actually a huge part of healing attachments style.

00:05:45:18 - 00:06:14:11
Thais Gibson
And then what if an FAA has to do for co regulation is learn to soothe and receive soothing from somebody else when they are in distress. What I often see is that fearful .avoidant, they tend to be really good at soothing through others when it's something that's not actually truly vulnerable to them, like with small things or everyday things, but those really big things that really affect their fearful .avoidant, fearful one tend to feel like they really need space to space to soothe just on their own.

00:06:14:11 - 00:06:37:01
Thais Gibson
But the reality is that's not proper CO regulation. Proper co regulation is that you can do it on your own and you can do it with others and are able and willing to receive either or. It's not like you have this huge leaning one way to what feels most comfortable at a subconscious level. So it's a huge part and in that in doing that vulnerability will feel safer and safer because you're learning to actually soothe through other people.

00:06:37:11 - 00:06:56:09
Thais Gibson
And then last but not least, sort of this bonus one that's really important is that little ones also need to learn that setting boundaries is okay. You know, you're going to hear that and you're going to think, okay, so setting boundaries means regulating on their own. Actually setting boundaries empowers you to co regulate within your interactions. Let me give you an example.

00:06:57:00 - 00:07:13:22
Thais Gibson
If I am a fearful .avoidant. So let's pretend and I have my my husband say, hey, we're going to go and we're going to do this on on Saturday night, we're going to go out, we're going to do this thing together. And if I don't know how to set boundaries and let's say Saturday night comes and I'm just really tired and I just don't feel like going out.

00:07:14:13 - 00:07:32:13
Thais Gibson
You know, proper boundaries mean that I don't have to ice out my husband in order to regulate. I don't have to say, hey, I need time alone all night. I can't hang out with you at all. Instead, small boundaries look like me saying, Hey, I'm not able to go out tonight. I really need time and space to just, like, take it easy and relax.

00:07:32:13 - 00:08:05:04
Thais Gibson
Can we do something together at home? Right. And by communicating that and setting a small boundary within my interaction that allows me to still give and receive with him in a way that suits me for what I need at the time. And so by expressing my truth and my boundaries, I actually empower our time together to still work, and I empower myself to be able to regulate my nervous system, my emotional functioning while in his company without small boundaries, without the ability to do that, we feel like it's all or nothing.

00:08:05:04 - 00:08:26:20
Thais Gibson
We feel like we have to push people away all together in order to regulate at all. And so this is a huge part of becoming securely attached and being able to actually receive from and rely on other people in a regulated form where we allow people to take us into consideration, allow people to meet our needs and things of that like are so important to becoming securely attached.

00:08:27:09 - 00:08:44:03
Thais Gibson
So I hope this makes a lot of sense. You can check out the two courses that will help with this so much. The emotional mastery, belief reprograming course and nervous system regulation course. Also the fearful go and Reprograming course has a lot of these dynamics and elements as you go through it kind of all there together. But I hope this makes a lot of sense.

00:08:44:03 - 00:08:45:09
Thais Gibson
It's a really powerful topic.