00:00:00:22 - 00:00:33:13
Thais Gibson
I'm going to take you through some very common protest behaviours, which really means like coping mechanisms that you use when you're triggered or stressed while in relationships. And if you're in a current romantic relationship, you can sort of reflect on that. And if you're not trying to think of like past romantic relationships and if some of these coping mechanisms, a.k.a. protest behaviors, were common for you, and what you can do is sort of keep a mental tally to see how often you've done these things, or if you found yourself doing some of them, you know how many of the five that we're going to go through show up frequently for you and we're going to

00:00:33:13 - 00:00:52:06
Thais Gibson
talk about how these things are connected to unmet needs. And when you get those needs met, it can actually feel like you don't have to do these things as often or resort to these coping mechanisms or protest behaviors to get your needs met. It's very common for fearful avoidance to feel quite frequently in relationships like Should I stay or should I go?

00:00:52:06 - 00:01:12:07
Thais Gibson
Or to feel like one day they're kind of anxious and they really want more closeness with their partner and they're a kind of anxious about that distance that might be happening. And another day you might find yourself feeling overwhelmed by a partner and really needing to push that partner away. Now, the big reason for this is that fearful avoidance tend to have these kind of competing needs when it comes to relationships.

00:01:12:15 - 00:01:35:10
Thais Gibson
They want closeness, but they also want freedom. And it can feel kind of confusing at times because sometimes when somebody is really close, it feels great. And other times when somebody is really close, it feels really overwhelming, depending on kind of the day, the mood. And also if you're triggered by something in particular. And that flip flopping feeling also has to do with these competing ideas you have about relationships.

00:01:35:15 - 00:02:06:02
Thais Gibson
On one hand, feeling like romantic relationships are an amazing thing, sometimes craving closeness, craving that kind of romantic connection, but other times feeling afraid of it a little bit. If you pay close attention to feeling afraid or operating under the assumption, at least that in the future something will go really wrong, or feeling like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, or believing that you'll get bored and leave the relationship, or somebody else will get bored and leave a relationship or even believing like you can't trust somebody and that people will end up betraying you.

00:02:06:02 - 00:02:32:03
Thais Gibson
So these different kind of competing ideas you have about relationships being good, but also fearing that these things can happen can cause you to not want to get too close to somebody. Because if you believe that getting close to somebody is going to happen and then they're just going to hurt you, then sometimes it can feel scary or unwanted, you know, to actually build that close connection and so, again, this all goes back to the reasons that you might flip flop, like, should I stay or should I go?

00:02:32:03 - 00:02:47:07
Thais Gibson
Or kind of like, hey, come close, come close, And somebody gets close, You're like, No, step back in away. You know? And I don't mean that literally. I mean, like in the context of uncertainty, wanting more closes other days, really wanting to push somebody away and it can feel confusing and draining for you. So that's really number one.

00:02:47:21 - 00:03:07:20
Thais Gibson
Number two, you will find yourself also be in this pattern of over giving in relationships, kind of like pouring into people really trying to like make them happy and show up and be on your best behavior and kind of impress them and win them over and then eventually feeling like, hey, that person's not pouring into the relationship as much back.

00:03:08:08 - 00:03:45:01
Thais Gibson
And at that point you might feel frustrated and get angry and your protest behavior, A coping mechanism may be to express anger, to to sort of have these like more emotionally charged reactions to somebody. And sometimes you'll show them outwardly and sometimes you'll just feel them and really in shut somebody out and stonewall. So again, this second part of behavior is really shutting somebody out and stonewalling, but at its root underneath it is often caused by you kind of over giving or overdoing it in a relationship or when somebody doesn't reciprocate properly, that's what causes you to feel that way and then have to cope that way.

00:03:45:12 - 00:04:14:23
Thais Gibson
Number three, So those people want to test somebody by like pushing somebody away to see if they really care. And you may push somebody away and what you really want them to do is kind of fight for you or show up or really reinforce or let them, you know, let you know that they really do care. And part of that at its core is because sometimes you feel afraid to actually trust and to really open up and let yourself be truly vulnerable and share what you need or share different insecurities that you have.

00:04:15:08 - 00:04:38:01
Thais Gibson
And all those things are actually an important part of deep and lasting bonding in relationships. It's part of what securely attached people do is let people in, share their flaws, share their insecurities, say, Hey, you know, I need more connections sometimes, or, you know, I need you to also show up for me in this way. Sometimes, but often fearful avoidance feel scared to communicate those needs.

00:04:38:01 - 00:04:59:06
Thais Gibson
So instead they'll kind of test people indirectly, right? They'll see like, Hey, if I do pull away, do you care? And is this way of getting that need met for reassurance? Indirectly. And therefore sometimes you may see that you become harsh and critical with your words and then feel really guilty or ashamed about it after. And usually what happens is, again, you've got this like flip flopping happening.

00:04:59:06 - 00:05:31:11
Thais Gibson
You've got these kind of competing fears about relationships and, you know, these fears competing with like love, like you want love and it scares you at the same time. And so that flip flopping happens, you're pouring in. You can sometimes feel taken advantage of and eventually it can lead you to just sort of hit this boiling point where if somebody is not reciprocating, if somebody doesn't understand your needs, if you're kind of scared about what's going on in the relationship or if you feel hurt by something and somebody didn't realize that they hurt you and it hit like an insecurity or something inside of you.

00:05:31:20 - 00:05:46:02
Thais Gibson
So then you try to push it and push it down and then eventually it comes out in a different way. And again, that way tends to be harsh and critical with your words, right? Kind of like, you know, you can have a sharp tongue sometimes when you're hurt and it actually reflects how much you're hurt more than anything else.

00:05:46:02 - 00:06:01:23
Thais Gibson
But it's very valuable to pay attention to. Last but not least, you may find yourself testing people at times to see if you can trust them. You may, you know, double check on an old story you heard or ask a friend about something that they did to see if it actually lined up or, you know, double check things.

00:06:01:23 - 00:06:25:03
Thais Gibson
You may find that you have a little bit of suspicion in relationships at times, not so much as you're starting to date somebody, but once you're really starting to let somebody in and kind of let your guard down, that might be when you see yourself with this coping mechanism or protest behavior the most. So if, as I said, these five things, you find yourself kind of like nodding like, Oh my gosh, that's me, you really resonated with a couple of them on the list.

00:06:25:03 - 00:06:53:21
Thais Gibson
I'm definitely not surprised. These are super textbook fearful, avoid behaviors. And so you might be curious like, why is it that I act like this at times? And what I want you to know is that it's an innocence, right? It's your way of just trying to cope and do the best you can in a relationship. It's your way of trying to, like, get your needs met and feel safe and understand what's going on with a relationship without having to open and be too vulnerable and risk getting rejected or hurt.

00:06:54:06 - 00:07:15:01
Thais Gibson
And so the big needs that these things are connected to our number one, to actually feel safe and to feel like you can trust in a relationship. Deep down, if you pay attention, the testing, the flip flopping, the pushing somebody way to see if they really care. All of these things actually relate back to not being sure if you can trust, not being sure if it's safe to let your guard down.

00:07:15:01 - 00:07:36:02
Thais Gibson
So you're trying to test to see if it's safe and your needs underneath that are a need for safety and trust. Another big thing that's important to you is you often want to see that there's transparency in a relationship because you feel like if you can understand somebody completely that they might be safer to be around. So you'll see that you're often seeking transparency.

00:07:36:14 - 00:08:00:03
Thais Gibson
And another huge need that often is common for you is this need to feel like somebody really does care, like they will accept you, even with flaws. They they want to connect deeply to you. They see you, they care about you for you, they understand you and what you need. And that that's not just going to go away, that that's not something that's just going to fade out or end really quickly.

00:08:00:17 - 00:08:19:02
Thais Gibson
And so sometimes a lot of these mechanisms, these coping mechanisms that you have are just ways of trying to get these needs met in different forms. Like if I'm pushing somebody away or if I'm being harsh with my words because I'm hurt, I'm trying to be safe from that hurt, but I'm also hurt because I was hoping that somebody would show me that they truly care.

00:08:19:02 - 00:08:36:06
Thais Gibson
I was hoping that somebody would pour into the relationship as much as I am because fearful avoidance often pour into relationships a lot. When they really care about somebody, they'll really give their heart and and the shirt off their back to somebody. So I want to just start with talking about this today. There's so much more you can learn.

00:08:36:06 - 00:08:55:08
Thais Gibson
And, you know, if you pay close attention by understanding that these things are related to needs, you'll see how impactful it is to know your needs and relationships and to be able to communicate them in a healthier way. Right. To be able to get those needs met in easier forms than through protest behavior. So I want to leave you with that for today.

00:08:55:08 - 00:09:00:13
Thais Gibson
There's so much more to share and learn, but I hope that resonated with you and I hope you enjoyed this.