00:00:00:00 - 00:00:33:17
Thais Gibson
I'm going to take you through five are really common protest behaviours that are typical for somebody with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. And what you can do is you follow along is keep a mental tally and really just look to see if there's any time that you find yourself having done these things, either in a current relationship, if you're in one right now or in a past relationship, especially under times of pressure or stress in that relationship and you can think of these things would be like your coping skills, the way that you would cope, but that sometimes have negative side effects or other potential negatives that come by using these coping skills.

00:00:33:19 - 00:01:01:16
Thais Gibson
Indirect stonewalling. It's this idea that when you are potentially faced with a conflict or problem that you shut down and you sort of avoid addressing the problem, maybe because you don't like conflict, because it can feel kind of unsafe or uncomfortable, or sometimes because you don't really know how to address it and try to make it better. And so you avoid sort of as a way of avoiding the discomfort or vulnerability associated with having to open up and talk about these different things.

00:01:02:12 - 00:01:30:18
Thais Gibson
Number two is active stonewalling. And this can be when you're feeling frustrated or triggered, it's all that you're just avoiding and kind of shutting down. But sometimes you are shutting somebody out and you may find yourself trying to make a point by speaking with silence. It's like you're trying to show somebody that they're upset and that they're not doing things properly by icing them out, shutting off and sort of dismissing them in that kind of way to show that they have affected you.

00:01:31:05 - 00:01:54:18
Thais Gibson
And, you know, while this is something that people can engage in at times from all different attachments, it's definitely something we see with dismissive avoidance the most. And it tends to actually be a really common coping mechanism for them because dismissal avoidance often communicate more through their actions than they do through their words. Where you may see other attachment styles communicate more through their words by letting somebody know what they're upset about.

00:01:55:02 - 00:02:19:18
Thais Gibson
Dismiss avoidants tend to show somebody when they're upset a little more frequently. Number three is sometimes floor finding when you start feeling too close to somebody. In other words, you may find that you start really focusing in on the negative qualities that they have and use these negative focuses on a partner or a loved one as a way to justify pushing them away.

00:02:20:04 - 00:02:52:04
Thais Gibson
Now you have to be really focused in to to really notice this one. But you may find quite frequently that you highlight the person's flaws. You think a lot about their flaws, you become critical about their flaws. And again, the more you do this, the more you sort of create distance. And really what it is is it's often a subconscious distancing strategy because a lot of dismissive avoidance don't like to be open and vulnerable and then having feelings for somebody actually kind of freaks you out or scares you as a dismissive avoidance.

00:02:52:15 - 00:03:23:18
Thais Gibson
And the way that you'll deal with that is to create distance from those feelings by a flaw finding and creating distance from that person. You may even find it manifest as stories like, Oh, I don't really need this person. I would be fine without them. I would be okay if something bad happened. And rather than talking about the flaws that you see and trying to come up with solution to, let's say for example, you you are focusing in on how somebody late to dates quite frequently rather than addressing it, you just criticize it and you don't talk it out or hash it out or do something productive.

00:03:24:00 - 00:03:51:15
Thais Gibson
So pay attention to that one. Number four, you may find that you when you are feeling frustrated because you tend to hold things in and like we talked about in those earlier components of behavior, because you may find yourself wanting to avoid conflict, not talk about things or speak through your actions and try to shut people out. You may find that you can only kind of do that for so long before eventually, you become passive-aggressive in some form.

00:03:51:15 - 00:04:15:24
Thais Gibson
And really what this means is you may sort of like have these old things you're upset about from a day ago or a few hours ago sort of surface out as being a little passive-aggressive or making like a sort of side comment to somebody about something. And it may have nothing to do with what you're actually upset about right here and now, but about something that was unresolved from a couple of days ago that's kind of now coming out into your communication later on.

00:04:16:10 - 00:04:42:06
Thais Gibson
And even when you do that, you may, if you pay close attention, realize, hey, that wasn't even like intentional. It's not like you consciously thought, Oh, I'm mad about yesterday, I'm going to make a rude comment today or passive-aggressive comment now, but instead, because you felt mad and those feelings were unresolved and they were held in for a while, that eventually came out in a different way, which forms that passive aggressive comment.

00:04:42:06 - 00:05:14:23
Thais Gibson
Or you no way that you describe something or responded to something your partner did now, even though it was from before. And number five, you may find yourself getting into a frame of comparing the current person you're dating to past exes or to how they should be instead, and not even in an imagined version of reality. So even sometimes, you know, comparing to like how the perfect partner would act to that you're going to find in the future or how your ex acted in that situation and your current partner that you're dating shouldn't be acting this way because your ex acted differently.

00:05:15:12 - 00:05:34:11
Thais Gibson
And so so then we call this like the phantom acts. And sometimes it's this idea that the dismissive avoidant again, is a subconscious distancing strategy will focus in on somebody from the past and compare them to somebody they're dating in the present or the imagined version of somebody in the future that you're comparing to somebody in the present.

00:05:34:17 - 00:05:53:22
Thais Gibson
And again, use this as a way to look at kind of their flaws. It sort of goes hand-in-hand with that flaw finding piece we were discussing earlier. And the last thing I'll say is, you know, this isn't necessarily like a coping mechanism or behavior. But one other thing about dismissive avoidance is that dismissive words are often so much more sensitive to criticism than somebody would ever know because they don't really show their feelings too much.

00:05:53:22 - 00:06:17:04
Thais Gibson
Right. You won't outwardly show somebody that something affected you because again, it feels uncomfortable even giving that amount of vulnerability to a partner for them to know that about you. So as we went through these, if you got a tally of these few different behaviors and if you saw yourself resonating with some of the ones we talked about in here, I'm not too surprised as tend to be pretty textbook behavior of the dismissive avoidant.

00:06:17:15 - 00:06:41:13
Thais Gibson
But what I want you to understand is that there's different ways of showing up in this area. So, you know, you're basically responding to things this way when you don't have a better way to meet needs underneath. So if you pay close attention, if your needs were being met by your partner overall, you wouldn't usually have to resort to those behaviors that are all different forms of protective mechanisms.

00:06:41:21 - 00:07:15:17
Thais Gibson
So what are the big needs that these are related to with the dismissive avoidant? Well, number one, dismissive always, really, if you pay close attention, value, safety in relationships, they want to feel like they are safe. And number two, that they are comfortable, dismissive, which tend to fuel a lot of the time quite easily, like they're kind of walking on eggshells with other people and so they avoid or they say, law, fine to push somebody away, or they do all these things basically to be able to withdraw and get back to feelings of safety and comfort that they have when they are more autonomous.

00:07:15:17 - 00:07:37:05
Thais Gibson
And it's a big part of the reason that this avoidance also this huge need for autonomy and freedom, because they feel like when they can't properly deal with conflict or talk things out or hash things out, they tend to feel like, Oh, I feel unsafe and uncomfortable and I want to push people away so I can get back into my safety and comfort zone and just have my freedom to do what I want without stress, without conflict.

00:07:37:13 - 00:07:55:22
Thais Gibson
And this brings me to another really important me dismissal avoidance and to have which is actually to feel understood and supported. And when those needs are met, when they feel safe talking to somebody that they're in a relationship with, where they feel really comfortable with somebody and like somebody unconditionally accepts them, understands them and supports them, then I want you to look at it this way.

00:07:56:05 - 00:08:19:18
Thais Gibson
If we revisit those five behaviors that I mentioned earlier, how much would you still even need those behaviors if your partner met those needs? Right. How often would you have to find to create distance or push somebody way through avoidance or dismiss them or stonewall? You wouldn't have to do that if you felt truly like your needs for safety, comfort, acceptance, understanding, support were really, really much.

00:08:19:18 - 00:08:37:15
Thais Gibson
So This is part of why knowing your needs is one of the most important things you can know in your relationships. And having self-awareness about our needs is so important because when we understand that what we need, what we need is we can then proceed to try to find people who are going to meet those needs. We can share those needs with others.

00:08:37:15 - 00:08:56:16
Thais Gibson
We can be more strategic and intentional about who we date so that we look for people who will meet those needs and we can communicate those needs and see them through. So we can also have those needs met in our relationships, feel more comfortable and more safe, and then be able to open up accordingly. So help us make sense to you.

00:08:56:16 - 00:09:01:20
Thais Gibson
Very valuable stuff to pay attention to definitely has a huge impact on relationships.